Domino-No: Lady Crashes Into A Domino's Store

A lady in New York drove into a Domino's pizza on Thursday while several people were inside, but no one was hurt. The 24-year-old woman was driving an SUV and luckily the patrons and employees inside managed to jump out of the way. I didn't know Spider Man worked at Domino's. The lady claims that she ran into the store because she had mistaken the accelerator for the brake. Who the hell gave her a driver's license? China? If you look at the video you'll see that went all the way through the glass door and even past the front counter. At what point do you realize that the gas isn't the break? What the fuck was going through her head? Was she thinking, "I'm sure I'll end up on a road eventually, right?" The best part of the article is that it says authorities don't know if they should issue her a ticket. A ticket?! How about giving her something she does need! Like some glasses!

Source: WTSP
Video: WTSP

Karate Pig: Dog Owner Runs Into A Kung Fu Guinea Pig

A woman in Slovakia was walking her two dogs to the park and they encountered a kung-fu guinea pig. The dogs noticed the rodent in the grass and approached it out of curiosity but the guinea pig scared them off with multiple spinning kicks and leaps. Clearly this guinea pig has seen Karate Kid too many times. The owner of the dogs said, "Bona started barking and Meggie wanted to sniff it. "I guess it got pretty scared although both dogs are harmless and just wanted to play. But then they got pretty scared when the guinea pig started its kung fu chops." Obviously these dogs are both female dogs because they sound like little bitches. A local wildlife expert says it's probably a runaway or an abandoned house pet. I say this guinea pig needs a horse tranquilizer to calm the eff down. Another wildlife expert said, " It's not the first time we've heard of this. These creatures are usually docile family pets but when they feel threatened they will fight for their lives like any animal that thinks it's been cornered." I understand the self-defense but that doesn't explain why this guinea pig has a black belt. Who the fuck is its owner? Chuck Norris?

Source: WTF News

Photo: Triple M

Elec-Tricks: Researchers Predict Brothels Will Have Robot Sex Workers

Researchers in New Zealand predict that brothels will have robotic prostitutes that will offer clean, guilt-free sex. Isn't that what vibrators and flesh lights are for? The research was done from two students who had to do a thesis on what the sex industry will be like in the year 2050. The report theorized that each brothel will have several blonde and brunette robots, of different races, body types, speaking different languages and offering several different sexual features. I like how they didn't include redhead robots as if they're going to be extinct by the year 2050. The robots would be made of a bacteria-resistant fiber to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and would help put an end to prostitution and human trafficking. So this is good news for men who are getting sick of receiving a blow job with a condom on, but this is bad news for Republicans looking for sex in an airport bathroom. In turn, this would also gain a new respectability for prostitution and men won't feel guilty having sex with a robot if they are in an exclusive relationship. In the end, these robots would become so human-like that humans will end up having sex, falling in love, and maybe even marrying them, the report theorizes.

I for one think this is both a good and bad thing. This is good for the people who can't get anybody in their life to have sex with them or even sit down to have a conversation with them because they're just weird or don't know how to brush their teeth. But what the hell will it be like to break up with a robot? I mean if these robots are going to have emotions, then not only would I not be interested in them in the first place, but I feel like they might get so mad that they'll self-destruct or electrocute you the next time you try to have sex with it. Either way, I feel like people are already having sex with machines. They're called vacuums.

Source: The Herald Sun
Photo: Coed Magazine

Fucking, Austria

There is a city in Austria that is fed up with their town name and resident's are contemplating on changing it. The town is called Fucking. I wish I was kidding about Fucking, but I'm not. Fucking has been a victim of mockery from stolen signs to prank calls. The Fucking locals are fed up with the mockery as it has been nothing but insulting and irritating to all of them. The Fucking mayor says, "The only problem is that we need all of the Fucking residents to agree to the name change. Everyone needs to agree for it to happen." The town received its name from a nobleman named Focko in the 6th century and the spelling was modernized when the 18th century came around. In 2005, the Fucking residents tried to change the name of the town, but there were too many who voted against it.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Wikipedia

There's a hotel in France that allows residents to live the life of a hamster. Residents can check into the hotel, which offers cages as room, haystacks as beds, and a human-sized running wheel. For food, the guests can eat organic hamster grains and get down on their hands and knees to sip water from a spout. The owner of the hotel says the purpose is to help people fulfill a lifelong dream. "The hamster in the world of children is that little cuddly animal. Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small." I would never want to be a hamster. I've never wanted nor had one as a pet when I was younger so I find this hotel to be absolutely ridiculous. The only thing that I'd want to do as a hamster is shit little round balls all over my room so i can later throw them at people who piss me off or don't give me what I want. However, I have had a dog when I was younger and I guess I am trying to be a dog now that I'm older. I just can't stop being a bitch.

Source: Huffington Post

Photo: Telegraph

Sex Nazi: German Woman Arrested For Forcing Man To Do Her Several Times

A woman in Germany has been arrested for sexual assault and illegal restraint after she forced a man to have sex with her several times and still refusing to let him leave. They met at a bar and she took him back to her apartment so she can ride his little frankfurter. Turns out she wanted more than just a little taste of his chicken schnitzel because on several occasions he tried to leave but she kept wanting more. Either this guy is really good at sex or this lady is a real sex Nazi. The guy continued to put his German sausage in her two little hamburg buns because he felt that if he obeyed her orders a few more times he could finally leave. However, she continued to demand more sex so he fled to the balcony and called the police for help. When the police arrived they arrested on the spot and the lady tried to get the officers to penetrate her, but was not successful. I don't see what this lady did wrong. She's a perfectly normal human being trying to satisfy a perfectly normal desire to get double-teamed by a couple of cops. I'd be lying if I said I haven't fantasized about it either but when the going gets tough, the tough gets a dildo.

Source: Telegraph
Photo: Loving You Archive

Step On The Grass: Study Shows Weed Smokers Are Safer Drivers

4autoinsurancequote.org has noticed a correlation between marijuana users and safe driving. The study shows that those driving while under the influence of marijuana will drive slower, which in turn makes them drive safer. There was also another study that showed a drop in traffic accidents in states that legalized marijuana, California being one of them. That study says that most people who are high on marijuana feel that they are going 80 miles per hour when they are actually going 30 miles per hour, while alcohol has the inverse effect. So now if they pull Snoop Dogg over, its obvious that the cops are racist. I don't know why the article says it's safe for drivers to go at 30 miles per hour. 30 miles per hour is too slow. I don't have my license, but I know that if I was high and driving, I would be going a lot faster than 30 miles per hour because I'm probably in a hurry to get to the nearest Taco Bell.

Source: SF Gate
Photo: Toke of the Town

Please Don't Stop The Music: Mom Bites Daughter For Stopping Rihanna CD

Robyn Harr of Florida is under arrest for battery domestic violence after she bit her daughter for removing a Rihanna CD from the CD player. That's when the mom yelled, "Please Don't Stop The Music!" The 17-year-old girl says her mother was drunk and verbally abusive the whole day. That's what you get for being a daughter in Florida. The mother was also playing loud music all day and refused to lower the volume. When the daughter removed the CD from the CD player, her mother bit her on the leg. Harr claims her daughter attacked her first, but investigators say the leg bit appeared inconsistent with the daughter biting the mother. Obviously these investigators haven't seen the bite marks that Chris Brown gave Rihanna. The article also mentions a quote from Harr's mother saying she has a drinking problem and needs to get help. This girl sounds like a lot of fun if you ask me. I don't think she should be a parent, but that's something that her and I have in common. I'd love to have her over my house. We can play Rihanna songs all night, guzzle down a cheap bottle of rum, have sex, and regret it all in the morning. 

Source: TC Palm

Photo: Daily Mail

Super Felon Sweep: Man Commits 11 Felonies in 9 Hours

William Todd was taking a road trip somewhere and had a layover in Nashville where he managed to commit 11 felonies in 9 hours. Around 3am he broke into a local business where he stole a Taser, a revolver, and a shotgun.  Next, he shot the place up, stole a t-shirt, and lit the place on fire. God forbid, he leaves the place without a t-shirt. From there he held four people at gunpoint, pistol whipped one of them, Tased another one, and stole all of their money and credit cards. Then, he stole a taxi cab and spent the money he just stole at a downtown Wal-Mart. For those of you who don't know Wal-Mart is like the fucking Saks Fifth Avenue of the Midwest.

After that, things began to get gross. He broke into a law office, ransacked it, and took a dump on a desk, using law degrees as toilet paper. Next, he went to the hotel next door where he went door to door pretending to be a female housekeeper. Finally, after a Canadian couple answered him, he robbed them of $600 and he left to another room to go shave his head completely.

From there, he escaped with the stolen cab but crashed into a parking garage. However, he managed to steal another one after he threatened a driver with a knife and kicked him out. Next, he drove to the mall where he tried to hide in a vat of water, but cops were able to find him and arrested him on the spot.

I'm pretty sure someone needs to give him a Guinness World Record. 11 felonies in 9 hours is something that takes a lot of time and cocaine. I expect this from Florida, but this guy is actually a wanted man in Kentucky. However, this guy should of went somewhere besides a shopping mall or a law office. He should've went to a place where the police can't catch him. Like Mexico.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Daily Mail

Pissed Off: Man Arrested For Peeing On His Coworkers' Seats

A man in Iowa is under arrest for peeing on the seats of his female coworkers for the past five months. He would select his victims by going through the database of worker profiles and choosing the attractive ones only. Then, he would go into the workplace outside of the hours of operation and pee all over the seats. After several complaints were made, the company set up surveillance cameras and caught the man yellow-handed. The damage to the chairs amounted to around $4,500. First of all, this is fucking gross. Now these ladies have to start using toilet seat covers in the bathroom AND at their desk. Second, what the hell kind of chairs are these people sitting on that damage amounts to $4,500? A chair with that kind of price better give me back rubs and make me food during my meal break.

Source: Huffingto Post
Photo: Huffington Post

In Heat: Girl Slaps Boyfriend For Not Having Sex With Her

A woman in Florida is under arrest for punching her boyfriend in the face because he would not have sex with her. The woman's father heard something in the house they all live in and when he went to go check out what was wrong he found his daughter repeatedly slapping her boyfriend in the face. The father called the cops and the boyfriend told officers that the fight started when he called his girlfriend ugly and refused to sleep with her. The girlfriend claims that the man slapped and choked her first, but cops didn't believe her because her story changed several times. This girl is retarded. She needs to invest in a vibrator, or at least a decent-sized zucchini. She could have easily walked down the street to the nearest 7-11 and bought a couple bananas AND eat them when no one is looking. However, I don't know who's more stupid: the girl for wasting her time fighting a guy who won't have sex with her or the guy for dating someone who he knows is ugly.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Daily Mail

Flappin' Gums: Lady Tries To Hide Drugs In Her Dentures

Theres DeMarco of Florida is under arrest for possession of a controlled substance and tampering with evidence after a cop found her trying to hide drugs in her dentures. She was originally pulled over for having a loud muffler for which she received a written warning. According to the office, DeMarco and her passenger, Mary E. Winchell, seemed very nervous so he decided to search the car. I'm sure they weren't nervous, but just high on crack. While the officer was searching the car, DeMarco kept walking away from the car to throw crack in the grass and wedge other drugs inside her dentures. Finally, the officer found a pain killer pill in the passenger's seat and arrested Winchell on the spot. Being the good friend that she is, Winchell then decided to tell the officer that DeMarco was throwing crack away in the grass and hiding drugs in her fake teeth. DeMarco was then confronted by the officer so she decided to swallow the pills she had in her mouth. I like the way this woman thinks. She's basically saying if I'm going to jail, I might as well have a damn good time getting there. However, she is 56, so I'm sure swallowing pills is how she lost her teeth in the first place.

Source: Bradenton
Photo: NLM-NIH

Baby Hand Bag: Woman Caught Driving With Newborn In Her Purse

A lady in the US Virgin Islands is under arrest after a police officer pulled her over and found a newborn zipped up in her purse in the passenger's seat. After pulling her over, the officer asked for the woman's license and heard a baby crying but didn't see a baby. That's when the officer searched the car and found the baby after he unzipped the purse. The lady says she was driving the baby girl to a doctor because she hadn't received prenatal care and was only born a week ago. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to have a baby. You have to drive it to the hospital all the time. You can't drink while you're pregnant. You can't take them to the bar until they get a fake I.D. And now you can't put them in your purse? Honestly, I didn't see anything wrong with what this lady was doing with this baby until I finally realized, she could have just put the baby in the trunk.

Source: WTF News
Photo: Aisha Music

McDouble Trouble: Lady Sells Her Body For Two Cheeseburgers

A woman in Florida is under arrest for attempting to prostitute herself for two McDoubles and $40 as a tip. An undercover cop invited the woman into his car and she told him that the fee for her sexual favors was two McDoubles. Obviously this lady is smart because she knows that McDoubles are the same thing as double cheese burgers, except they only cost a dollar. Sounds like she received a mighty fine education. You go, girl. The cop purchased the two burgers, which came out to $2.75 and parked in a vacant lot to meet up with the alleged prostitute. As soon as she arrived to the car, cops arrested her on charges of prostitution. However, the article never mentioned who got to eat the two McDoubles. Here's the deal: you have a lady selling sex for less than three bucks. That's like the dollar menu of prostitutes. How fugly do you have to be to charge $2.75 for a sexual favor. I would have at least thrown in some fries and since it's McDonald's a McFlurry wouldn't really hurt anybody either. What a McDumbass.

Photo: Word Press
Source: Huffington Post

Junk In The Trunk: Women Arrested For Giving Illegal Butt Injections

Kimberly Smedley from Georgia is under arrest for giving illegal butt injections to clients all over the East Coast. She had clients in Baltimore, D.C., Detroit, Philadelphia and New York City who paid around $1600 for the toxic silicone injections. She would inject her clients with substances that were used for metal or plastic lubrication, furniture or automotive polishes, or an additive for paint and coatings. She even hired someone as a security guard to make sure the coast is clear while Smedley would perform the procedure in a hotel room. The procedure involved her injecting a client's butt ten times with what she claimed to be "medical-grade silicone." Then she would plug the holes with cotton balls and super glue. I can sit her and talk about how stupid this lady is for injecting people with lube and paint coating, but even stupider are the clients she had. At what point are these people not realizing that something isn't right here? The part when she told you to meet you at Motel 6? Or the part where she stopped the bleeding with Elmer's glue? And how the fuck did they find out about this lady in the first place? Craigslist? The Pennysaver? I can't say I blame these ladies for wanting cheap butt implants. I want a bigger ass just as much as the next bottom, but I've come to learn that if it sounds to good to be true, it probably is. Unfortunately I found that out after I got my sex change. 

Source: Huffington Post

Photo: Huffington Post

Paulie Wants A Cracked Head: Owner Hopes Thieves Are Annoyed With Stolen Parrot

A man in England hopes the thieves who stole his parrot will return it from being annoyed by her singing songs from the band Queen. Not only did the thieves steal the guy's parrot, but they stole his Playstation 3, as well. The owner, Malcolm Booth, doesn't really care about the Playstation 3, but he just wants his bird back because it was like family to him. Booth is almost positive they will get sick of Chico singing songs, like "Bohemian Rhapsody," "We Are The Champions," and "Killer Queen." He says, "I'm a great fan of Queen and am used to Chico squawking and whistling their tunes but I'm not sure its everyone's cup of tea. I don't think the people who have her will appreciate her squawking 'Scaramouche', 'Galileo' and 'I'm just a poor boy' at them all the time. In fact I think it will drive them up the wall." I have two things to say. One, why is the parrot's name Chico if she's a girl? And two, I don't know about the thieves, but if I was annoyed with a parrot reciting Queen lyrics, I would beat the shit out of it. If I stole a parrot, it better hope that it can recite Kathy Griffin's stand up shows. I can't stand birds. They wake me up in the morning, they take a dump on me, and one of them even swooped towards me and hit me in the head. Lucky for it, I didn't have a shotgun. Lucky for me, I had breadcrumbs. Dipped in bleach. 

Source: UPI

Photo: Pawn Nation

Sausage Party: Woman Attacks Man For Lack of Sausages at 7-11

A woman has been arrested for losing her mind at a 7-11 after she found out that there were no fully heated hot dogs available. The officer who arrested her said he arrived to the woman throwing an item at the store clerk and attempted to climb over the counter. When the officer entered the store, he arrested her on the spot and put her in the back of the police car where she tried to kick the windows open. The cop decided to pepper spray so that she would become more submissive. I don't think I have to tell you guys that she was drunk, but the officer said her speech was slurred, her eyes were bloodshot, and she smelled like alcohol. If she didn't smell like alcohol, then the other two symptoms would have meant that she was high on marijuana. I don't really know what's wrong with this lady. Everyone knows that when you're drunk and hungry, the best place to go is Taco Bell.

Source: NJ
Photo: The Inquisitr

Serenity Is Key: Man Rages Over Losing House Keys

A man in New Zealand is under arrest after throwing a rampage which resulted from him not being able to find his house keys. It started off with him smashing windows and yelling abusive things. From there, he went to his mother's house where he started strangling the family's pet goat and smashed his head into a wall. Although the goat didn't suffer any major harm, there was no word as to whether the wall is okay or not. After the goat, the guy went after his sister by throwing a glass at her and punching her. His grandmother tried to get him to stop by spraying oven cleaner on him. That's when the cops came and arrested him and asked him why he smelled so good. Just kidding. But seriously, he's arrested. Obviously this guy has some issues going on inside of his head. If I lost my house keys, I would have at least punched my grandmother, too.

Source: Big Pond News
Photo: Big Pond News

Pregnancy Is The New STI: Men Can Have Pregnancy Symptoms

I was reading an article on OMG Facts and found out that men can go through Sympathetic Pregnancy Syndrome, where they experience the same symptoms of pregnancy while their partner is pregnant. I don't know why they call it Sympathetic Pregnancy Syndrome. They should call it Aaw-Son-of-a-Bitch Syndrome. It typically happens when the woman is in her third month and as her symptoms worsen, so does the male's. Symptoms include: weight gain, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and even morning sickness. I've never had a pregnant partner, but I have had all these symptoms before. It's called a hangover. 

Source: OMG Facts

Photo: The Beauty Brains

Private Parts: Counselor Convicted of Molestation In Children's Home

Victor Salazar of Santa Ana is convicted of molesting children between the ages of 14 and 15 at the children's home where he worked. This is probably the fifth article I've read about a counselor molesting children so apparently counselors are the new Catholic priests. The Florence Crittenden Home, which is in Fullerton, caters to children who have parents outside of the country either because they came to the U.S. alone or their parents were deported. So right after they lose their parents, the children can lose their virginity, too. Salazar molested three boys in his office where they were able to call their parents in South America. Officials say Salazar assaulted them while they were on the phone. That is so sad. These kids can't even talk to their parents without getting poked in the face.

Source: LA Times
Photo: OC Register

Takin' Some 'Chuters: Four Daredevils Bass Jump Skyscraper To Avoid Bar Bill

Police in Melbourne, Australia are looking for four men who ditched a bar bill by parachuting 800 feet from the Rialto building. Not only did they have the parachutes hidden under their business suits, but they also had a get away car waiting for them at the bottom when they landed. This is ridiculous. Doesn't anybody dine and dash anymore? The owner of the restaurant said the four daredevils each ordered a Negroni, locked the balcony doors behind them, and jumped off. He also added, "They had cameras on their helmets so I'm sure we'll all see it on YouTube soon. I hope they are caught - they need to pay their bill." I hope they don't get caught. As much as I'd hate to admit it, these four guys pulled off a pretty cool stunt. However, I still think it's stupid. I would never risk my life for a drink. I would actually risk my life for 17 drinks.

Source: WTF News

Photo: The Daily Mirror

Let Freedom Ring: Woman Dumps Drums For Statue Of Liberty

Amanda Whitaker of the UK has dumped her drum set to be with the new love of her life, The Statue of Liberty. She first fell in love with the monument when one of her friends posted a picture of it online. I hope she doesn't have a Facebook friend with a stamp collection. That can turn into a really sticky situation. Whitaker says, "She is my long-distance lover and I am blown away by how stunning she is." This lady is crazy. How can the Statue of Liberty be her lover if the Statue of Liberty doesn't even love? If I were her I would definitely give those drums a call. The article says that she's visited the monument a few times, but has had settle for a look-alike shrine in her home not only because of the distance but also because she believes too many other people are in love with the real statue. News flash: nobody is in love with the Statue of Liberty but you! People climb up to the top of it, but no ones going down on her. Tourists will literally get inside her head, but she's not giving head to anyone. Apparently she has a disorder called objectum sexuality where she creates emotional connections with inanimate objects. I didn't know this was an actual disorder, but now that I do, I think I may have it, too. I'm in love with Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supremes!

Source: Huffington Post

Photo:Viator

What A Doll: Couple Obsessed With Collecting Sex Dolls

There's a show on TLC called "My Crazy Obsession" and this week they showed a couple who has an obsession with collecting sex dolls. The husband claims that they are for display only, saying, “To me it’s purely a collection. I’ve never made love or had sex with a doll at all---that’s not what I do.” The wife didn't have any comments, so I'm going to take that as a "Yes, I'm having sex with the dolls." Their collection is apparently worth over $150,000. The amount of money they spent on their silicone doll collection is about the same amount of money they could've spent on silicone breast implants for the wife so she can finally get some attention from her husband. They've collected over 240 dolls and have a strange way of storing them, too. The husband says, "We put some of them in coffins, because it’s a nice secure box to put them in." Somebody should put him in a coffin. I don't understand the point of purchasing a sex doll if your not having sex with it. That's like tipping a stripper just to tell her that her nipples really brings out her eyes.

Source:Examiner

Photo: Drunken Stepfather

Pop N Stop: Man Sues Movie Theater For Overpriced Popcorn

Justin Thompson of Michigan is suing an AMC movie theater for making their prices too high on popcorn, candy, and drinks. Thompson claims that the amount to pay for movie snacks have resulted in price gouging. For those of you who don't know, price gouging is basically monopolizing or when a company makes their prices so high on purpose because they know there is no other competitor. If there is only one movie theater where you live, that's a pretty good sign that you need a change of scenery. I'm talking to you, Alaska residents. Thompson usually brings his own food to the theater until he finally saw a sign that said patrons can no longer bring outside food into the theater. This caused Mr. Thompson to throw a little hissyfit and sue the company to force them and the theaters around them to lower their prices. This guys needs to smoke some weed and calm the hell down. Hasn't he ever heard of sneaking food in? This guy needs to get a girlfriend so he can actually take a girl out to dinner after a movie and when he wants to be cheap he can just put food into her vagina like they do in women's prison.

Source: Yahoo
Photo: My Abbys Attic

If You Can't Take The Heat: Man Beats Mother For Using His Hot Sauce

A man and his girlfriend were arrested for beating up the boy's mother after she used his hot sauce without permission. It's so nice to see family's coming together for Mexican night. After his mother used the hot sauce, Christopher Phillips put held his mother in a choke hold and broke her glasses in the process. After that, he went to the other room to tell his girlfriend what just happened and then she began yelling at Phillips' mother. From there, both of them began attacking the mother, leaving her with two smacks to the face and cut lip. The mother tried to leave but her son wouldn't give her the keys to her car so she decided to leave on foot. She walked to her husband's workplace where they called the cops and told them the story. I'm sure this is no surprise, but this happened in Florida. I don't know why someone would get so worked up over hot sauce unless it contained hallucinogenics. Either way, the moral of the story is: don't touch another man's hot sauce.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: The Perfect Pantry

Another Year, Another Story: Happy Birthday To Me

Almost every day I find myself having stories to tell my friends and I can't thank anyone else buy my best friend, vodka. For those of you who don't know, my birthday was yesterday so obviously I decided to party a little bit harder than usual. It was pretty much a 5 day party. Anywho, I don't remember which night it was, but while going home, I had an interesting ride home with a little cab driver named Johannes.

It started off normal where I began making small talk and asking questions like, "How has your night been?" or "Have you ever tried heroine?" The conversation went from one topic to the other where he finally told me he was almost done with his shift. So I asked, "Are you going home to your wife?" He said no and that he didn't have one. I asked if he had a girlfriend and he said no again. I asked if he was gay and after a moment of silence he said yes.

From that point on I decided to go bold and start rubbing his thigh. Not only was I slightly horny from being a little less drunk than usual, but I was also looking for a free cab ride. The thigh-rubbing didn't seem to bother him so I continued to do it until he reached my house.

As soon as we got to my house I gave him a hug and thanked him for the ride. After we separated from the hug, I decided to go in for a kiss hoping he wouldn't ask me to stop. He didn't. We made out for what seemed to be two minutes and I asked him, "Am I getting a free ride tonight? It's my birthday." He told me no and he still made me pay. I was pissed. Not only did he make me pay, but after he printed out the receipt he had the nerve to ask me, "Are you gonna leave me a tip?" Are you effing kidding me? Hell no I'm not leaving a tip. He didn't even give me his tip!

Booked At School: 11-year-old Gets Arrested For Bad Manners

An 11-year-old girl in Colorado was arrested at her middle school after she being disobedient, rude, and argumentative. Good thing I didn't go to school in Colorado because I would be arrested every day. According to the report, the student was walking to her locker to get a sweater and the assistant principal came up to her to talk to her during her lunch period. The student walked away mid-sentence saying, "I don't have time for this." School officials sent her to a counselor and after those efforts failed, the campus officer took her to a juvenile facility called "The Link." I don't see what the problem is. If it's lunch time, I'm sure she had a basketball player or two she had to meet up with so they can play zipper bumping behind the bleachers. Besides, they didn't have to arrest her. I'm sure a simple after-school detention would have done the trick. But the thing that bugs me the most is the juvenile hall. Why is it called The Link? Is it just me or does that sound like a dating site where people go to pretend to be someone they're not?

Source: Lurker Faqs
Photo: Gold Coast

What A Steal: Man Robs Girl Then Asks Her On A Date

A man named John Jardini has been arrested for robbery and assault after he stole $60 from a girl after she got off the bus. At this point, most normal robbers would leave their victims alone, but instead, Jardini decided to call the girl twice to ask her out on a date. Talk about romantic... Police attempted to catch the robber through tracing the phone calls but were actually able to catch him after he assaulted the same girl a second time and her mother outside of a grocery store. Rob me once, shame on you. Rob me twice, that's just silly. This guy obviously didn't think things through. He robbed a girl who only had $60. If she's getting off of the bus, that's probably all she has. Let's just hope he got the mother's number, too, from the second assault.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Aarons

Full Of Crap: Toilets at University of Chicago Are Exploding

A dormitory hall at the University of Chicago has bathrooms with very unsanitary conditions, water outages, and exploding toilets. I've seen toilets with unsanitary conditions and water outages because I made the mistake of having Indian food for dinner one night. However, I've never heard of exploding toilets. A freshman at the university named Michelle Rodriguez said, "In a 24-hour period, the plumbing exploded twice, and exploded with such force and severity that a toilet bowl … shattered, throwing porcelain shards across the bathroom." I wish I was there to see that. This gives a whole new meaning to the term, "dropping a bomb." Rodriguez went on to say that the explosion left "pieces of someone else's excrement on my hair, my face, my lips." I don't know about you guys, but I think this is hilarious. That is also probably the worst time to run out of toilet paper.

Source: UPI

Photo: Stangzine

Artificial Death: Lady Climbs Out Of Her Coffin Before Her Funeral

A woman in China managed to climb out of her coffin six days after her neighbors thought she was dead. She was actually unconscious from tripping and hitting her head, which happened two weeks before her neighbors found her.  The neighbor who found her was going on his daily visit to give her breakfast and saw her motionless in her bed. If she tripped and hit her head, how the fuck did she land on her bed? And if she did land on her bed, what the fuck does she use for pillows? Bamboo? After finding her lifeless on the bed, her neighbor shook her as hard as he could and gave her CPR, but her body responded to nothing. The neighbors went so far as to lay her in a coffin and hold a wake for her friends and family to give their condolences. However, the day before the funeral, the neighbors saw that the coffin was empty and found the lady cooking in her kitchen. One doctor says she was probably suffering an artificial death where someone's body is still warm, but they have no breath. What if Whitney Houston was suffering an artificial death? She'd probably be banging on that coffin screaming, "Bobbay!" Either way, let's all congratulate Whitney on being sober for 25 days.

Source: WTF News
Photo: WTF News

Detox: Lindsay Says She's Clean And Sober

Lindsay went on the "Today" show to tell Matt Lauer that she's ready to get her act together and that she "won't let anyone down." Even though firecrotch denied having substance abuse problems the last time she was on the NBC show, she claims she's sick of the Hollywood party scene. She says, "I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because I felt tempted, just because it was just the same thing that it always was before. And it just wasn’t fun for me. I’ve become more of a homebody. And I like that.” That's not true. She didn't just become a homebody. She was under house arrest. Either way, I'm still hoping that she proves everyone wrong. I've been waiting for her to make her comeback for the longest time. Hopefully she knows that in order to make a comeback, she has to actually come back. 

Source: Gossip Cop

Photo: Yuku

Drinking For Two: Snooki Is About Three Months Pregnant

According to multiple media outlets, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is three months pregnant with Jionni Lavalle's kid. I hope that baby likes Margaritas. Snooki said that she didn't want to announce her pregnancy until she was three months pregnant because she didn't want to jinx anything. Why the hell would she wait three months? It's called a pregnancy test. Either way, Mtv is allegedly going through a crisis because Snooki and her costar JWoww were supposed to have a spinoff show. Jwoww told Us Weekly that the spinoff was supposed to show a different side of the two party girls. She says, "We want it to be different than Jersey Shore, so it's not always going to be at the club, drinking and partying. You guys know we can drink, you know we can party." And Snooki said about the reality show, "You've only seen the party side of us. You haven't seen this side of us, which is sober and normal." Uum.. Yes, I have. All they do is go tanning. But I don't see why MTV is throwing such a hissyfitt about Snooki getting pregnant. They can just make another show called Sunburned and Pregnant.

Source: The Province
Photo: The Washington Post

Head Shot: Sienfeld Actor Fails At Suicide Attempt

Daniel Von Bargen, some guy who's been on Sienfeld, Malcolm In the Middle, and Always Sunny In Philadelphia was hospitalized on Wednesday after he tried to commit suicide by shooting himself in the temple. I don't know how someone could mess this up, but he couldn't open his left eye after shooting himself so I'm guessing he shot it at a bad angle. After shooting himself, Von Bargen called 911 and said, "I shot myself in the head and I need help." I'm sure the 911 operator was like, "No shit..." Apparently he's also diabetic and was scheduled for a hospital visit on Monday where he could have potentially had a few toes amputated. He said, "I was supposed to go to the hospital today and I didn't want to." I'd hate to break it to him, but shooting himself in the head isn't going to keep him from going to the hospital either. I find that there's worse things in life than getting your toes amputated. If he really didn't want to go to the hospital to get his toes cut off then he should have them off instead of his left eye.

Source: GMA Network

Photo: Peliculas Afondo

On A Serious Note: The Difference Between Being Young And Old

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was telling him how I wanted to die young. He was a little shocked and concerned for me because when I said this he assumed that I meant I didn't want to live past my 40s. That's not what I meant at all. I definitely want to live as many years as I can. I don't want to die tomorrow, but I don't want to live forever if I can't do everything that I'm doing now. To me being old is a lifestyle. You buy a house, you don't stay up past 8pm, and you stop driving at night. I don't want to have that kind of a lifestyle. I want to be young forever. It's not about partying, and being able to tolerate a hangover. It's about being active, independent, and seeking discovery. So when I say I want to die young, that doesn't mean I want to die in my twenties. I want to die at an age where I can read my own words, drive my own car at night, and wipe my own ass. 

Dear Diarrhea: The Time I Saw Trey Songz

So if you didn't know before, I work at a movie theater and I can pretty much get away with a lot of things. I come drunk, high, or if my coworkers are lucky, both. The only reason I can get away with all of the stuff that I do is because it's pretty much the theater that no one knows about. We only have 9 theaters and we usually get all the movies that senior citizens want to watch. However, this past Monday, Trey Songz came into our theater to watch Safe House at 10:10. My 15-minute break was supposed to be at 9:30 and I thought there might be a slight chance of meeting him while I wasn't working. However, my 15 minutes were up and I had to return to selling tickets at the box office. My boss let me know early on that he wouldn't have to buy a ticket and that he would walk straight in. Sure enough while I was at the box office he walks straight buy into a hallway. I tried to get a picture, but it didn't work out since he wasn't even facing my direction.

Soonafter Mr. Songz walks into the movie theater my manager asked me if I could help the publicist take his food to him inside the theater. Obviously I said yes, but my manager didn't understand me because I basically lost my mind a little bit. I followed Mr. Songz's publicist inside the movie theater with a box of nachos on top of two pizza boxes on top of a tray. I was so nervous that I swore I was going to drop the box of nachos all over Trey's lap and would attempt to wipe it off as an excuse to touch his crotch. Luckily, that didn't happen. I was walking up the stairs and there he was. I looked at him straight in the eye and attempted to hand him his food. Unfortunately, his publicist rained on my gay parade when she told me to give it to the bodyguard. I was pissed. However, Mr. Songz did give me eye contact for a split second and in that split second I felt fireworks. Something magical happened both in my body. Mostly below the belt. I can die happy now. 

WTF Shorts: Drunk Man Intrudes Home And Plays Piano

A man in Canada is under arrest for intruding someone's home, playing the piano, and using a skateboard just outside the house. One of the residents was upstairs at the time and she suddenly heard the piano playing. She went downstairs to see the inebriated intruder playing the instrument and when he saw her he began making racial epithets at her. Police soonafter arrived and arrested him on the spot. I think the only person to blame here is Canada. Now you know why we lock our doors.

A couple in North Carolina who met at a Wal-Mart decided it was a good idea to have their wedding at the store in the layaway section. I guess it makes sense to have the altar there since that was probably also on layaway. The groom says they met when the bride was a cashier at the same Wal-Mart and he repeatedly went to the store to see her. I don't know about you guys but I'm starting to have a little trouble knowing where romantic ends and creepy begins. Where did they have their honeymoon? The parking lot?

A man in Florida was taken to a hospital after he ingested a liquid that he claimed to be poison. He drank the alleged poison because the jury found him guilty for bringing a gun into a courthouse and attempting to kill himself. He tried to kill himself with the gun because he wasn't happy with a previous child support case. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he attempted to kill himself because he didn't want custody of his kids. Florida needs to step up their game. Why is a man going into a courthouse with something lethal for the second time? Obviously security isn't doing their job. If he really wanted to kill himself, I think he should attend his next court date with something that will actually kill him. Like a bath.

As an alcoholic, I have not obtained my driver's license because I care about my community. Granted, there are times when I wish I could have a car because the drive thru at Taco Bell actually requires you to have one. Trust me, I've tried. Either way, I still like to stay updated on the latest laws and I ran into an article that listed the six strangest driving laws in California. Number 1 said no woman is allowed to drive while wearing a bathrobe. So Britney Spears can't drive with a bathrobe, but she can still flash her vagina if she's in her car. Number 5 says no one is allowed to pour salt on the road in Hermosa Beach, CA. I don't know if legislators know this, but sand is actually sea salt. I'll allow everyone to think about that for a minute. Number 6 says any car without a driver is not allowed to go over 60 mph. That would explain why Charlie Sheen never got arrested for driving his cars off the road. Allegedly... However, a couple of them actually made sense to me, like number 2, which says no one is allowed to plant crops on a road in Chico, California. I've never been to Chico but the last thing I want is Google Maps to tell me to turn left and drive into the middle of a god damn corn field. Number 3, which says no one is allowed to dry their car with used underwear, also made sense because that's just gross. I don't know why anyone would do that unless they were prejudice against towels or in a hurry to join a wet panties contest.

Source: Cosmo BC
Photo: Patpoh

Big Words, Little People: Rosie O'Donnell In Trouble For Having A Fear Of Little People

On her very own talk show called The Rosie Show (clever title, by the way), Rosie O'Donnell admitted to having a fear of little people while interviewing her guest, Chelsea Handler. Handler also has her own talk show called Chelsea Lately and is actually the opposite of O'Donnell in that she has an obsession with little people. One would easily find that out by watching her show who starrs her dwarf assistant, Chuy Bravo. On her show, O'Donnell confesses, "I'm a little ashamed about it [but] I have a mild fear or anxiety around little people. The problem with me is I can't put the two things together. This is an adult person, a little person...it's so hard for me." Apparently that confession didn't go very well with an organization called The Little People of America. Now isn't that just the cutest thing you ever saw? The spokesman for LPA, Leah Smith, felt that O'Donnells statement was insulting and supplementary to "fear-based attitudes." As for Chelsea Handler, Smith regarded her statements as less problematic since she was comparing little people to children. After being asked if she has ever had sex with a dwarf, Handler answered, "No... That would be child abuse -- I would never do that!" Before I put my two sense in, I suggest you guys watch the video that I posted above and then come back to this exact spot. After watching the video, it sounds like Rosie O'Donnell meant no harm. If she did, that's because she's a comedian. She's not meant to be taken seriously. It's not like she said, "I gave a midget a dollar the other day. He looked a little short." Or, "A midget told me he wasn't happy so I asked him, "Then which of the seven dwarves are you?" These little people really need to grow up....

Source: Huffington Post

Video: Huffington Post

Seal Later: Seal Seen Without Wedding Ring After Saying He'll Never Take It Off

I was reading up on some TMZ and found out that Heidi Klum and Seal had a divorce. When the eff did they get married? Anywho, Seal went on Ellen saying he didn't want to remove his wedding ring because "It's a token of how I feel about this woman" and "It feels really comfortable on my hand." Ugh... Why would you wear a ring that only reminds you of the woman who divorced you? And then he adds that it's comfortable? Double ugh... I wake up every morning not wanting to take off my pajamas because they're comfortable, but do you see me keeping them on forever? Sometimes... Either way, TMZ also caught Seal not only with his wedding ring off, but with neon yellow finger nails, too. Now his fingers look like bumble bees. As for Ms. Klum, she divorced Seal because of his temper and was seen without him last Sunday at the Golden Globes. TMZ also said the last time they filmed Seal and Klum together, they asked Klum what the key is to a successful marriage and she didn't answer the question. I don't speak Heidi Klum, but I'm sure her answer was something like, "I'll let you know when I have one."

Source: TMZ

Photo: TMZ

Clooney Tunes: George Clooney Is Sleeepy, Lonely, and Too Drunk

According to The Hollywood Reporter, George Clooney's life may not be all that it's cracked up to be. As Gossip Cop likes to put it, "his life is disturbingly like" mine. The article mentions how he feels lonely, lives in the wrong side of the Hollywood Hills, and watches The Soup and Jersey Shore like everyone else. I have seen The Soup a couple of times, but I've never seen the Jersey Shore in fear that I may catch an STD or skin cancer. Anywho, he admits to THR that he does all the movies that he wants, but at a much lower paycheck than other big names in Hollywood. Maybe if he actually accepted higher paychecks then he could probably afford to live in the right side of the Hollywood Hills. Either way I'm sure he's making more money than I can ever spend anyway. In spite of his success, he still has trouble sleeping. Obviously, he doesn't know what marijuana is. His final problem is drinking. However, I don't know how many times I have to tell people this. Drinking is not the problem. It is the solution. I believe something magical can happen when someone is drunk at 2am and still manages to make it home. Clooney says, "I drink at times too much. I do enjoy drinking, and there have been times in my life when it’s crossed the line from being fun to having to drink late at night for absolutely no reason. So what I do is, I stop.” Apparently, Clooney hasn't had a cocktail since New Years, which is what I read after finding out that he has a drinking problem. Obviously my hopes were shut down. I can't agree with this guy on anything. When he talks about marriage he says, "I don't even think about it, really." Never mind. I can agree with him on one thing.

Source: Gossip Cop

Photo: The Uni Blog

Baby Stories: Find Out Some Random Mini Stories Of The Week

I'm starting a new segment on my news section where I give a few random, smaller stories. Stories that are all over my Twitter news feed, but actually make very little impact on my life or yours, as do most of my stories. Anywho, so apparently Shakira was attacked by a Sea Lion while vacationing in South Africa. She says the sea lion might have confused her shiny blackberry for a fish. The sea mammal growled at her and tried to attack her but luckily her brother, Super Tony, came to the rescue. She later took some pictures with some penguins who she found to be a lot friendlier. I'm guessing she also found out that rocks are hard.... I don't know whether to smile at her or roll my eyes. Let's just hope sea lions aren't higher on the food chain than She-Wolves.

Also a story I hardly care about is how horny Adele is. In an interview, she talked about the pros and cons about being her boyfriend. Some of the cons are that she loves drama and she can change moods in seconds. Some of the pros are that she's funny, a good cook, and always down for sex. That's what I'm talkin' about. I guess if I was funny and a good cook I'd be a good girlfriend, too, instead of a good slut. She also confessed that her celebrity crush is Alec Baldwin. Not that he's ugly, but I was expecting someone else, like Nicole Kidman. I don't consider her particularly beautiful, but I just figured Adele would like her since she smokes so much and Kidman is pale and shaped like a true Virginia Slim.

Tareq Salahi is suing Neal Schon for ruining his marriage with his estranged wife, Michaele Salahi, the house wife of D.C. that crashed the white house. Salahi is suing Schon for $50 million saying, "his penis ruined my marriage." I think Salahi is being dumb. Schon was doing Michaele a favor by throwing her a boner. It sounds like Tareq's penis is the problem because if it was any good, Michaele would have never left. 

Getting Around: My Latest Tip On Staying Healthy

Like many Americans I suffer through something called weight fluctuation. I am very active. I go to the gym, swim, play tennis, volleyball, and for the most part eat some decently healthy meals on a daily basis. However, I am also a heavy drinker and party animal. I usually exercise all week long and by the time Friday comes along I'm down to 172. However, I go to my school gym which isn't open on weekends so all I do is party without exercise all weekend long. If you guys are guessing that my latest tip on staying healthy has anything to do with drugs, you're wrong. It's a good guess, but still wrong. It involves sex and jogging. I've been known to work well under a reward system when I do things good, but I've never found anything rewarding about jogging. Until now. As most of you know, like many other gay men, I use a smart phone app called Grindr where I can chat and meet up with gay men in my area. What I'll do is look for a man on Grindr to meet up with. After we plan a time to meet up, I'll run to his house, do the nasty, and run back. Yes, running back is a little more difficult. Not because I am drained from the sex, but because I am a bottom and I tend to run as if I need to go number two after intercourse. However, it is definitely something that works for me since running to Taco Bell wasn't giving me back the results I wanted. If you guys are also struggling from weight fluctutation then I highly recommend using a similar routine. Your reward doesn't have to be sex, but if it is, please be safe.

Photo: Shiny Shiny

Dear Diary: Today is Valentine's Day and I'm Single. Again.

Today was the 22nd year that I've celebrated Valentine's Day while being single. Yes, I am 22. Believe it or not I've managed to keep a few guys from coming back to me on a second date, but that's probably because they hadn't seen how much I drink yet. I'm not going to sit her and complain about how I hate being single because I don't. I'm also not going to sit here and tell you how I hold my head up high and celebrate National Single's Awareness Day because I also don't. Nothing is more sad than lying to yourself that your happy with being single. So instead of both of these two holidays that I never understood (probably because I have no friends or lovers) I celebrate National Slut Day. Where instead of embracing love and friendship, I embrace lust and friends with benefits. Instead of eating chocolates or getting flowers, I ride chocolate men and watch them deflower me. I'm not here to put down a lifestyle of love and friendship, but to help others recognize a lifestyle that they can better understand. I'm not going to lie. There are times when I wish I had a boyfriend to wake up to because I, too, suffer from morning wood on a daily basis. However, you will never hear me complaining how I wish I had someone to hold or how I feel so lonely. Some think I live a sad life, but there's nothing sad about it. It's called happy hour, dumb ass.

Photo: Babble

Bunny Brawl: Hugh Hefner's Son Beats 2011 Playmate of the Year

TMZ has reported that 2011's Playboy Playmate of the Year, Claire Sinclaire, has filed a restraining order against Hugh Hefner's son, Marston, after beating her up following an argument. I don't know why Marston would beat up Sinclaire. He should really be beating up his father for giving him such a silly name. She told TMZ through a video interview that the restraining order last 5 days, but police officers told TMZ the restraining order lasts for 3. I'm going to take the police's word for this one since most bunnies can only count to however many Viagra pills Hugh needs to take to become erect. Police found several injuries on Sinclaire's body and apparently she's more than okay since she took to Twitter to say, "There’s two types of pain in the world – pain that hurts you, and pain that makes you stronger. All of your positivity is giving me strength." I'm actually surprised she didn't include three types of pain and talk about the one that's part of a window. 

Source: Gossip Cop & TMZ

Photo: Today Entertainment MSNBC

Life Savers: Woman's Record-Setting Boobs Saved Her LIfe

A woman is alive after she experienced a car crash, wrapping her vehicle around a tree, but escaped any serious injury thanks to her size 38KKK breasts. Sheyla Hershey says the airbags to her Ford Mustang didn't go off, but who need 'em when you got a pair inside your blouse? She was on her way to pick up her husband from a Super Bowl party in her hometown of Houston, Texas. Apparently, everything is bigger in Texas. Hershey says, "My implants saved my life, my breasts are very sore and I have some scratches on them but I know I would have been badly hurt without them because they are very close to the steering wheel." Hershey claims that she lost control of her car so I'm guessing her boobs were also close to eyes, as well. She also told Radar Online that she was taking drugs for depression and a bipolar disorder, which confuses me because I thought women get implants be happy. She was also taking vicodin and painkillers for the back pain that her breasts have been causing her. I'm not Asian, but I can definitely do the math here and conclude that those breasts are probably bringing more pain than pleasure. I love boobies just as much as the next guy, but I don't need them to be the size of medicine balls to enjoy them. 

Source: NY Daily News

Photo: NY Daily News

Tea'd Off: Lady Arrested For Pouring Ice Tea On Father In "Self-Defense"

Just when you thought Florida was starting to act like Paris Hilton and finally keep her big feet out of the news, she has to go ahead and let her cracked-out self into the streets again. In a little town called Port St. Lucie, Jacqueline Collins was making some iced tea while her father was watching the Super Bowl. Apparently, they got into an argument over what Collins' son had for lunch. Collins' father gave her son a meal that she didn't agree with and her father snapped back and told her not to order him around. One pitcher and seventeen ice cubes later, Collins poured ice tea all over her father and he called the police. Collins claims she poured the ice tea in self-defense, but she was still arrested on a misdemeanor battery charge. This lady is stupid. Her father is 79 years old. If she has to defend herself from a 79-year-old man, then I recommend she keep her ice tea in the pitcher where it belongs. I can sort of understand where this woman is coming from. There have been lots of times where I've wanted to pour ice tea all over my father. He never drank ice tea much so it probably would've been substituted with Budweiser or my stepmom's tears. But obviously I would never do that because he always has to ask me something annoying while he whips me with a belt, like, "Why you do that?" or "You think it's funny?" Yes, dad. I think pulling down my classmate's pants in the lunch line is hilarious.

Source: TC Palm
Photo: Shutter Stock

Red Neck Alert: Miranda Lambert Lashes Out On Chris Brown Over Twitter

For those of you who don't know, the Grammy's aired not too long ago and apparently Chris Brown was given two performance spots on the whole production. Miranda Lambert was one of the people who wasn't too happy seeing Brown performing at Sunday's event. She took to Twitter to tell her fans, "“Chris Brown twice? I don’t get it. He beat on a girl…” She needs to calm down. I wasn't there when Brown beat Rihanna for whatever reason, but Rihanna does where a necklace with the C word on it, which I both love her more for that and have to question if she had it coming. Either way, Rihanna is over it and even praises him on some of his success on her Twitter page. If Rihanna's over it, I don't understand why Miranda Lambert has to step Chris Brown's twinkle toes with her little Texas cowboy boots. For the record, I'm team Chris Brown on this one. Not because I rarely like blondes and have a history of seducing black men. And no, not because it's a lot more fun to dance to hip hop than to country while under the influence of narcotics. But because I like Chris Brown's style. When I tell my man to beat it up, I mean beat it up.

Source: Gossip Cop

Photo: En Terra

I Have Nothing: Whitney Houston Found Dead In Hotel Room.

According to multiple TMZ articles, Whitney Houston was found dead in room 434 at the Beverly Hills Hilton while bathing before a party on Saturday evening. Her aunt, Mary Jones, was the one who found Whitney's body submerged in the bath tub. She immediately called 911 and tried to give her CPR. However, the paramedics came and their efforts were also unsuccessful. They pronounced her dead at 3:55pm and according to the autopsy, the cause of death may have been from Houston mixing alcohol with prescription drugs. Among the prescription drugs was Xanax, which is used to treat depression and anxiety. Xanax mixed with alcohol can cause a severe sedation and could be why Houston was found asleep in the bath tub. I'm not going to make any of the obvious jokes her because that wouldn't be fair for Ms. Crack Is Whack. All I can say is... I've officially checked into the heartbreak hotel. I wanna dance with somebody, but I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing. It's not right, but it's okay. Because my love is your love. And he makes me feel like a million dollar bill. I will take things step by step because I am every woman. I learned from the best, Whitney. I will always love you.

Source: TMZ
Photo: EurWeb

Dry Humping, Zipper Bumping: Daniel Radcliffe Confesses About Hooking Up With Fans

We've all seen him wave around that stupid little branch that magically emits fire and harnesses electricity. Now we get to see him as a mature young adult outside of Harry Potter movies and inside a new thriller called Woman In Black. Yes, boys and girls, I'm talking about Daniel Radcliffe. According to the Daily Mirror, Radcliffe confesses to having one-night stands with Harry Potter groupies. He says, "I was always very nervous about the groupie thing. I like to like somebody before I sleep with them. You know, you’re going to have to talk to them afterwards, even if it is a one-night stand." That's stupid. I've had my fair share of one-night stands and I've never had to talk to some of them if I didn't want to, but that's probably because my hands can't talk. Radcliffe continues to talk about how he always knew the person he would hook up with outside from having a few drinks. This is usually the part where I commend my subject for drinking, but unfortunately Radcliffe no longer suffers from alcoholism like I do. And because of this, I cannot be friends with him or his uncircumcised penis. 

Source: OK Magazine

Photo: Planet Radio City

Going Both Ways: Snooki Considers Herself Bisexual

In an interview with the Huffington Post, Snooki admitted that she considers herself to be a bisexual. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but more power to ya, girl. Although she's been intimate with a girl before, she would never settle down with one. She says, “I would never be with a girl because I like… penis." She sounds like me when I'm drunk. I love penis just as much as the next gay, but when my blood alcohol content is past the legal limit, there's a good chance I'm going to tongue rape a girl. That doesn't make me bisexual. That makes me desperate. I don't think Snooki is bisexual. I believe people who are bisexual are attracted, have sex, and are willing to settle down with someone of both sexes. Kinda like Oprah. 

Source: Gossip Cop

Photo: Sunne

Time-Out: Parents Get Criminal Charges For Bringing Kids Late To School

Parents in Loudoun County, Virginia are receiving criminal charges for constantly bringing their children tardy to class. The county's public schools claim they are looking out for the children arguing that late arrivals disrupt other children who are ready to learn. I don't know what's more stupid: The fact that someone can be a criminal for making their kid late to class every day or that kids are ready to learn. Kids are never ready to learn. The only thing students look forward to in school is lunch and recess. One parent said if they criminalized every parent who brought their child late to school, the court houses would be full. Mark Denicore, a parent who was summoned by a Virginia court after repeatedly bringing their child late to school, says, "We are the first to admit we are not perfect and our kids are not perfect, but we are doing our very best and don't think in this case it should be criminal charges.” Aww... Mr. Denicore must live very far if he's late all the time, right? "We definitely don't have the traffic excuse that some people have,” says Denicore. He actually lives about a two-minute drive away. But they obviously must be doing something important in the morning, right? Denicore says there are more important things to teach children besides being on time, such as eating a healthy breakfast or tying their own shoes. I guess those are good things to teach your children but how about we save that for after school? If I was teaching my child anything before 11 in the morning it would be how to use the snooze button.

Source: MSNBC

Photo: Vals Teacher

Turning You Over: Court Rules Prop 8 To Be Unconstitutional

A court has overturned the ban on gay marriage in California. Again. This can't really be all good news since I now have no more excuses not to get married in my favorite state in America. I shouldn't have a problem, however, if I decide to keep my mouth open. The court says Prop 8 is unconstitutional, ruling, "Proposition 8 served no purpose, and had no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California." Well, what the hell did they think was it's purpose before? Have you ever seen a lesbian go on a second date? That's when they move in together! Men are different. I'm not saying none of them want to get married, but I'm sure some of them were voting yes so they don't have to get tied down to their boyfriends and retire in Palm Springs.

Source: Hollywood Reporter

Photo: Hunk Du Jour

What A Waist: Romanian Model Has A 20-inch Waist

Thanks to the DListed.com, I have now seen a woman with a 20-inch waist. Her name is Ioana Spangenberg and she's a Romanian model living in Germany. She says at age 13 her waist was 15 inches and some people were able to put their hands around her waist and still have room. For those of you who don't know, having a 15 inch waist is like the size of Oprah's ankles. She also says being bigger meant you came from a wealthy family causing no one to be interested in dating her. I think I speak for everyone who isn't interested in dating her when I say, it's not the money the guys were worried about. I'm sure they just didn't want to have sex with something shaped like a Chinese yo-yo. However, she says it wasn't until her husband Jan posted pictures of her on the internet and received positive feedback that Spangenberg felt beautiful. She still wants to gain weight but all of the frankfurters in Germany aren't helping. If she really needs some tips on how to gain weight, I can help her out since I do it all the time. It's called blacking out.

Source: D Listed
Photo: Pop on the Pop

Black-Listed: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Block Their Kids From Googling Them

According to an article by People, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have their names blocked on all of their children's computers to prevent them from looking them up on any search engine. I think a more logical subject to block from their computers is how to run away from home. I can sort of understand where these two are coming from because I'd hate for my kid to come up and ask me, "Mommy, did you really make out with your brother?" or "Daddy, what's a homewrecker?" The article goes on to say that Pitt claims he and Jolie are not searching for themselves either saying, "We don't even notice all the noise." What noise? The only noise that those two are making is adopting a kid from a third-world country. The article also mentions Pitt's thoughts on being 50 in about 2 years. He says, "I love becoming an older man. Your thoughts get clearer." Hugh Hefner said the same thing, but instead of thoughts getting clearer, he said Viagra bottles. Pitt also says he wants to get married because it means more to their kids. Since when have they ever thought about what their kids wanted? Angelina Jolie took Pax to Iraq for his birthday. I'm sure all he really wanted was a slice of pizza at Chuck E. Cheese and play Super Mario Kart with his melting pot siblings.

Source: People Magazine

Photo: Favim