As an alcoholic, I have not obtained my driver's license because I care about my community. Granted, there are times when I wish I could have a car because the drive thru at Taco Bell actually requires you to have one. Trust me, I've tried. Either way, I still like to stay updated on the latest laws and I ran into an article that listed the six strangest driving laws in California. Number 1 said no woman is allowed to drive while wearing a bathrobe. So Britney Spears can't drive with a bathrobe, but she can still flash her vagina if she's in her car. Number 5 says no one is allowed to pour salt on the road in Hermosa Beach, CA. I don't know if legislators know this, but sand is actually sea salt. I'll allow everyone to think about that for a minute. Number 6 says any car without a driver is not allowed to go over 60 mph. That would explain why Charlie Sheen never got arrested for driving his cars off the road. Allegedly... However, a couple of them actually made sense to me, like number 2, which says no one is allowed to plant crops on a road in Chico, California. I've never been to Chico but the last thing I want is Google Maps to tell me to turn left and drive into the middle of a god damn corn field. Number 3, which says no one is allowed to dry their car with used underwear, also made sense because that's just gross. I don't know why anyone would do that unless they were prejudice against towels or in a hurry to join a wet panties contest.

Source: Cosmo BC
Photo: Patpoh

Bar Brawl, Eh?: Mr. LaBeouf Gets Into Bar Fights In Canada

A video has been released all over the internet of Shia LeBeouf getting into a street fight with, what appears to be, Zach Galifianakis' stunt double. An eyewitness told a Canadian radio station that the altercation began inside a bar where LaBeouf and fatty started arguing. Security officers kicked the two out and fat ass decided to pummel LaBeouf. Friends of the Transformers star pulled him away from the fight and convinced him to walk away. Apparently, this isn't the first time Shia has been in trouble with alcohol. He's had a DUI, a drunk episode at Walgreens, and other bar fights. This only proves my theory that once a Disney star, always a trainwreck. Britney Spears shaved her head, Lindsay Lohan gets more dates with a judge than the camera man of Judge Judy, and Miley Cyrus was born in Tennessee.

I feel like I'm writing a story about myself. I'm not the cleanest dish on the rack but, believe it or not, I've learned from a few of my mistakes. There's a pretty good chance that shit needs to change when you wake up every Sunday morning saying, "Has anyone seen my left shoe or my front teeth?" I'm talkin' to you Charlie Sheen.

Video: D Listed (Courtesy of TMZ)

Annoying Ass: Kim Kardashian Voted Most Annoying Celebrity

Kim Kardashian has been voted the most annoying celebrity of 2011 according to a poll done by Parade and Yahoo! OMG! I believe that Kim Kardashian is annoying, but I wouldn't believe she was the most annoying if Yahoo! said it. Everyone knows Google knows everything. If you don't know the answer to a question, nobody says Yahoo! it.

Apparently, Parade does an annual pop culture poll and this year Kardashian won most annoying with 29% of the votes. In second place came Charlie Sheen with 27%, Snooki in third with 21%, and the last three were Lindsay Lohan, Donald Trump, and Brad Womack. I'm pretty sure Brad Womack was also recognized in the poll most unknown celebrity. I couldn't even find him on Google.

Photo: The Hurt Locker

Return To Sender: Craig Ferguson Receives A Death Threat

Someone sent Craig Ferguson, host of The Late Late Show on CBS, a death threat letter by putting a white substance in an envelope and sending it to his studio. It turns out that substance wasn't toxic or even dangerous so we can rule out the substance from being anthrax or laundry detergent for Hugh Hefner's crab-infested bath robe. Although the substance wasn't life threatening, there was an attached letter that threatened Ferguson's life. Two people who came into contact with the substance had to be quarantined and police believe the letter came from Europe. If it came from France we can rule out deodorant since nobody in that country uses it.

Another incident happened at the Dancing With The Stars studio last November. Though police never made a connection, a source claims a death threat was made for Bristol Palin while she was on the CBS reality competition. It turned out someone sent talcum powder in an attempt to make it look like anthrax. I wouldn't be surprised if CBS was sending the wrong substances to the wrong departments when they actually meant to send cocaine to Charlie Sheen.

Photo: The SOP

Lowe Blow: Rob Lowe Talks About Charlie Sheen

In the newest issue of Vanity Fair, Rob Lowe talks about his childhood and work life with Charlie Sheen. He also promotes his new book Stories I Only Tell My Friends: an Autobiography, which sucks for all of the people who told him some of their deepest secrets. He says that him and Sheen used to compete on who did a better job at work and apparently Charlie always won "by a nose." I'm assuming that's because Sheen used his nose more than Lowe did. He goes on to say that Sheen's home was much better than that of his modest parents. In it, Lowe says, was "never-ending Häagen-Dazs, brand-new BMWs, a lagoon pool with underwater tunnels, and a lit, professional-grade basketball half-court.” I'm sure times have changed as Sheen's current home is filled with never-ending drug cocktails, brand-new porn stars, a murky pool with underwater STDs, and a lit pipe full of crystal meth.

Photo: Huffington Post

Dirty Talk: Capri Anderson Speaks About Her Night With Sheen.... Finally...

About 9238429 days after her little date night with Charlie Sheen, Capri Anderson finally tells everybody what exactly happened that night to Us Weekly. Obviously, if Us Weekly is the first one to get this interview there's a pretty good chance that not too many people care. But I digress... Anderson says that at the beginning of the night Sheen wasn't shy about blurting out expletives and racial slurs, which means Charlie has the Mel Gibson syndrome when he drinks. Anderson adds that she realized she was in a bad situation when Sheen began to put his hands around her throat. Well, I'm glad she was smart enough to figure it out. The worst part is that she's a porn star. She acts like she's never had a couple hands and black ding-a-lings around her throat before. She also says, "It's not right to hurt people. It's not right to scare people. It's not right to carry on with such disregard for the people around you." Well, that's what you get for going out with Charlie Sheen.

Photo: NY Daily News

No Shots Part Deux: Charlie Sheen Stays Sober

This past weekend, crazy drunk ass Charlie Sheen partied at the Playboy Mansion and was "totally sober" according to Ron Jeremy who also attended the party. First of all, we all know people never seem that drunk when we're drunk. Second, anyone who goes to rehab has a high tolerance of alcohol, so the amount of alcohol Sheen had could be from 0 to 'just enough to get me laid.' According to Jeremy, Sheen was in a good mood and he laughed and smiled throughout the night. We can at least conclude he was on something, if it wasn't alcohol. Either way, it's good to know that Charlie wasn't trying to stab anyone in the neck or anything, but either way, the only people who needed to be drinking alcohol were the people who had to look at Ron Jeremy.

Photo: Rumor Addict