Dirrty Girl: Nude Photos of Christina Aguilera Leak

It always pisses me off when I have to hear about nude celebrity photos because one, it's almost always a female showing off her landing strip and two, when it's a man he has to show off his small, flaccid penis (Brett Favre). Unfortunately this time, it had to be Christina Aguilera. If only her body was as beautiful as her voice. And don't ask me why she has bruises on her right knee, but hopefully I'm hoping its for the same reason I usually end up with bruises on my knees after a productive day at happy hour. Anywho, so Aguilera is claiming that the photos were meant to be seen by her stylist only and a hacker somehow got into her stylist's account and leaked the photos. I totally do the same thing and send some of my nude photos to my stylist, as well. His name is Mr. List. Craig's List. I don't know if the hacker story is true or not, but my guess is the hacker is probably the stylist himself. People are starting to ask questions and have reason to believe that this incident is happening pretty close to her recent divorce and the release of her new movie Burlesque. According to Popeater, the photos were taken around the time she filmed her music video for her single "Not Myself Tonight." I don't know what her plan is with the photos, but if it's to publicize her movie I'm not going to let it work for me. By the way, everyone should go see Burlesque now in theaters.

Photo: Hollywood Life

Dirty Talk: Capri Anderson Speaks About Her Night With Sheen.... Finally...

About 9238429 days after her little date night with Charlie Sheen, Capri Anderson finally tells everybody what exactly happened that night to Us Weekly. Obviously, if Us Weekly is the first one to get this interview there's a pretty good chance that not too many people care. But I digress... Anderson says that at the beginning of the night Sheen wasn't shy about blurting out expletives and racial slurs, which means Charlie has the Mel Gibson syndrome when he drinks. Anderson adds that she realized she was in a bad situation when Sheen began to put his hands around her throat. Well, I'm glad she was smart enough to figure it out. The worst part is that she's a porn star. She acts like she's never had a couple hands and black ding-a-lings around her throat before. She also says, "It's not right to hurt people. It's not right to scare people. It's not right to carry on with such disregard for the people around you." Well, that's what you get for going out with Charlie Sheen.

Photo: NY Daily News

Congratulations, It's A Soulja Boy!: Soulja Boy Denies Impregnating Girl

My source for this blog is BET entertainment blog, which for the record needs to post more blogs because black drama is my favorite. If they could post as many stories as TMZ or as many stupid things to talk about as OK! magazine, it would make my job a lot easier. My blog could use the help. Anywho, I read an article about Soulja Boy and how he's having drama with some girl named Kat Stacks, which by the way is the same name as my friend from LA. My friend from LA is also a hooker. Earlier this year, Ms. Stacks posted a video of Soulja Boy allegedly snorting cocaine and now she's spreading rumors saying she's carrying Soulja Boy's baby. Of course, Soulja Boy is denying that he impregnated Stacks, which isn't surprising because no rapper would admit to impregnating a woman. In an interview with DJ Drama, Soulja Boy mentions how the allegations have given him 4 times the ass he was getting beforehand. Looks like he's going to start doing 4 times the denying.

Photo: DJ Lights Out

Tiki Gets Torched: Tiki Barber Makes Too Many Bad Decisions

Tiki Barber is a former NFL football player and current sexy black man. I was a little turned off to find out that he has a wife who is pregnant with his child. However, I kept my chin up not because I wanted to see the positive but I literally had to keep my chin up so I can keep reading his story. I later found out that he left his knocked-up wife for a lady in her early twenties who was an intern at his job. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Not only did he lose his wife, he also lost his job. He keeps getting hotter and hotter. More recently, he was seen at a charity for kids that hosted a carnival where he would have had the opportunity to bring his kids along. Instead, he chose to bring the intern mistress. I'm not big on romance but I think I just found my soul mate. I love a man who makes mistakes because it's gonna take a real man to make the mistake of getting involved with me.

Photo: Angry Black Lady

Doing Lines: The Jackson 5 To Do A Clothing Line

 The 5 mentally-ill Jackson brothers are planning to launch a line to pay tribute to Michael Jackson's fashion sense and to remember their lives as the Jackson 5. If they're going to make clothes to remember the times when they were the Jackson 5, I'm assuming the t-shirts will be decorated with whip lashes on the back. The name of the clothing line is going to be J5 so obviously these brothers really know how to get creative. I would've liked it to be called "Jesus Juice" and show tiny alcohol stains near the t-shirt collars or "Beat it" and have hand prints on the crotch part of the pants. The T-shirts prices range from $22-$58 and the designs will change every three-and-a-half months, which happens to fall on the same day that Joe Jackson attempts to sue a doctor for money. Either way it's a shame that Michael couldn't have been a part of this clothing line. I'm sure he would have been responsible for making the youth sizes. I'm sure he has a couple samples left in his closet. Uh-oh...

Photo: Baller Wives

Don't Take A Picture, You'll Last Longer: Staring Makes Men Live Longer

According to OMG Facts!, if men stare at a woman's breast long enough, he will live longer. There was a study in Germany where 500 men volunteered to see the effects of men staring at a woman's assets. They asked one half of the men to stare at breasts and the other half not to. "The researchers noted that the men who stared at the breasts of females on a regular basis exhibited lower blood pressure

, slower resting pulse rates and lesser episodes of coronary artery disease." The researchers also concluded that a man staring at a woman's breast for 10 minutes brings the same outcome of 30 minutes of aerobic exercise. Now, it's no big secret that Caesar Teaser is a twinkle-toed-flaming homosexual, but this idea works exactly the same for gay men, as well. It turns out that any sexual excitement results in health benefits overall. According to the researchers, staring for 3 min a day will decrease the likelihood of having a stroke by half and can lengthen an average man's life span up to 4 to 5 years. Also, the researchers recommend staring for 10 min a day to get that half-hour of exercise. No wonder I'm such a lazy bitch. Now while you excuse me, I'm going to go to Google images and search 'LL Cool J.'

Photo: Top Fat Loss Trainer

Stalker Vol. 2: Uma Thurman Gets More Calls From Her Stalker

There's a man named Jack Jordan who apparently has an obsession with Uma Thurman. Kill Bill is definitely one of my favorite movies, but let's not get carried away here. Jordan called twice last week asking where Thurman was and demanded to have a chat with her. I suppose it's worth a try... However, this isn't the first time he's done this. In fact, he's violating his probation of refraining from contacting Thurman until 2012. The first time he was arrested was back in 2007 and at that point he had been stalking her for 2 years. He was arrested right outside of her Greenwich Village apartment, which is also in the same area where Richard Gere's stalker was arrested. Apparently, Greenwich Village attracts them the best and that's why every celebrity needs to be like everyone else in Hollywood and live in L.A.

Photo: Top 39

Demi Lo-Vanish: Lovato Leaves Tour To Seek Medical Treatment

I was on Twitter looking up all of my gossip sites and a bunch of them were on my feed saying something along the lines of "Demi Lovato Quits Tour, Enters Treatment." Of course I was disappointed to find out she wasn't doing drugs. I wouldn't hate her for doing drugs. In fact, I'd understand. If I was surrounded by 3 boys who said they didn't want to have sex with me, I'd be texting George Michael for some ecstasy. It turns out the girl withdrew from her tour to seek medical attention for other problems while she was in Peru, which obviously means she didn't get a chance to try the grilled chicken they have there. Her rep says "Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek help. She is doing just that. She regrets not being able to finish her tour, but is looking forward to getting back to work in the near future." In 'Demi Lovato' I think that means, "I'm a horny bitch with needs and don't want to resort to all of the uncircumcized Peruvians here." Her rep continues to say the reason Lovato sought treatment in the first place was because of "emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time." Again, I don't speak 'Demi' but I'm guessing the "emotional" issues involve breaking up with the Jonas queer she dated and the "physical issues" are the lack of intercourse. However, a 'close source' told People  "She was bullied in school. She fought through eating disorders and has struggled with cutting. …" which sounds like every girl in high school. We all get made fun of from time to time, we all enjoy McDonald's more than we should, and who the hell doesn't cut in high school? I know I never wanted to wait in those long ass lunch lines. 

Photo: The Daily Fill

Under the Influence: Jon Stewart Voted 'Most Influential Man'

Askmen.com did a poll asking who the most influential man is and listed the top 49. Honestly, I don't think anyone is more deserving of #1 than Jon Stewart, except for Nelly since he's black and we all know I love black men. But I think it's fine that Stewart made #1 since most men don't look at black rappers the way I do. However, one black rapper who I think doesn't deserve a spot is Kanye West, who got #5. Whoever is influenced by Mr. West might want to reevaluate their priorities. I'm glad Stephen Colbert made the list, but I definitely think he deserves a spot higher than #11. Maybe #10.5. My chocolate president, Barack Obama, made #21, which I'm very surprised because I had a feeling there would be a lot of dumb men who wouldn't vote him on the list and put other stupid men, such as Allen Iverson or Madonna. My favorite man on the list is Steve Slater. He's the guy who gave a fat middle finger to Jet Blue when he decided to leave the plane after saying 'enough is enough, girlfriend!' He made the #48 spot. I'm sure you're all wondering who made last place and I have to say no one deserves this spot more than Russell Brand because I'm sure AskMen.com ran out of male celebrities to put on the list.

Photo: News Real Blog

Carni-Whore: Pam Anderson Poses for PETA Campaign

PETA is launching a campaign to start getting people to go veagan, which I think is really stupid. Don't get me wrong. I love animals, but I love to eat them, too. I understand that they have good intentions, but sometimes you gotta say no. First of all, animals die. I'm going to eat them one way or another. Secondly, vegans fart too much. Not to say that I don't fart. In fact, I enjoy a few releases here and there because they're funny. However, like everything else, too much of anything is not good. Anywho, so they got Pam Anderson to pose for their campaign in a bikini. I didn't see that one coming... They divided her and her fake body into meat portions, labeling the breast, the legs, the rump, etc. all to encourage people stop eating meat. Okay so I'm not very smart, but I'm guessing the target audience for the ad are men and manly lesbians. I don't know about you guys but they're sexualizing meat. If men and manly lesbians want Pam Anderson and Pam Anderson is representing meat in the ad, it's only going to make men and manly lesbians want meat even more. I know damn well if they had a picture of LL Cool J in his underwear, I'm going to want all the meat in the world, including his.

Photo: Heat World

Who's Da (F-)Bomb?: Cat Deeley Swears On Live TV (Hi 5)

               

Anyone who knows me knows I love the "F" word, and if you know me really well then you know that what I love even more is to perform it. Watch this video of Cat Deeley host live TV and drop the F-bomb. It's beautiful.

Tru Blood: "I Love New York 2" Contestant Sentenced For Murder Charges

Do you guys remember that guy on VH1's "I Love New York 2" who was nicknamed 'Milliown'? Me either. You think I would because he's black, but I guess I wasn't watching the show. I was probably too busy maintaining my self-respect. Well the guy's real name is Jamal Rashead Trulove and after hearing that, I'm not going to lie, he sounds a little bit hotter. Anywho, he apparently has been sentenced for murdering some fool in Sunnyvale, CA. If you don't know where that is, it's about an hour south of San Francisco. Not only does he sound like my type, but he was under my brown little nose and probably under the sights of my brown little eye, too. The only reason why police confirmed Trulove as the killer was because an eyewitness recognized him on the TV show. Trulove shot his victim 3 times in the back and 6 times in the head. I climaxed after reading that part of the report but was disappointed to find out that the shooting involved a gun.

Photo: E! Online

Katy Scary: If You're Retarded, You Can Be Katy Perry For Halloween

Halloween is around the corner and I'm actually pretty excited about all the costumes that everyone can have this year. At first, all of the new costume ideas were fine, but the more I find out about these costumes, the more out-of-hand it's becoming. First, there was Lady GaGa, which makes sense because what gay guy doesn't want to be her for a day? Then there was Jersey Shore, which sounds like an okay idea if only the costumes would come with complementary cocaine. Now I just found out that you can be Katy Perry, too. If you've seen her music video for "California Girls" then I'm sorry you had to see her put whip cream cans on her boobs and shoot out icing like her tits just climaxed. Anywho, that is the Katy Perry that everyone can dress up as this year, cupcake tits and all. In all honesty, I don't see how she can encourage people to have cupcake tits when she criticizes Miley Cyrus for dressing too old for her age. Either way, I don't want to be Katy Perry for halloween this year. I'm practically her every day. First of all, everyone tells me "Ur So Gay," every time I get drunk I turn into a lesbian and tell people how "I Kissed A Girl," and I'll never forget being double-teamed after "Waking Up In Vegas." Get on my level, bitch.

Photo: The Cupcake Diary

Money Out The Banks: Mother of a "Sex Addict" Sues Tyra Banks

A mother is suing Tyra Banks for allowing her 15-year-old daughter to be on her show without parental consent. The daughter, Jewel Ciera Washington, went online and saw that the show was looking for "sex addicts" and responded to the ad. The show contacted her on her cell phone where she was picked up from her Georgia home, flew to New York, and stayed in a hotel all without her mom knowing. I don't know how she managed to get away, but I sure could have used a few tips from her when I was in middle school. According to Heat World, Jewel returned home to an angry family and group of friends. She obviously needs to find a new group of friends because I would have been the first one to give her a hi 5. The lawsuit also says she has never been diagnosed as a sex addict and the main concern is the breach to the girl's privacy because the show was "undoubtedly watched by sexual deviants, perverts and pedophiles alike." That is so stupid. The "Tyra Banks Show" is a daytime talk show. Everyone knows pedophiles are in their cars parked in front of a middle school during that hour. Right, Michael Jackson? Uh-oh...

Photo: For Ladies, By Ladies

Leave Me A-Lohan: Michael Lohan Wants to Get Drunk To See Lindsay

I don't know what it is about the Lohans being in the news all the time, but for some reason I can't get away from them. It's always Lindsay doing this and snorting that, but when she's behaving herself like a good little redhead, her father, Michael Lohan always has to come out of his commando cage and get the attention. When he's not doing anything, then we can all depend on Lindsay's mother, Dina Lohan, to talk shit about Michael or get kicked out of ice cream parlors. Either way, by the laws of physics, for every Lohan that is in hiding, there is an equal and stupider Lohan in the tabloids.

Lindsay has been in a rehab clinic in some town in California for a bit and Michael has been trying to visit her. He went to visit her last Thursday but was rejected by security after they told him visiting hours were over. Then, he went another time asking if he was on some sort of blacklist, which he wasn't, and asked to be apart of the family counseling that Lindsay has to participate in. Now, he's claiming he's going to make one more visit and if Lindsay refused to see him, he's going to deliberately get drunk and request admission into the same clinic as her. Talk about a bright idea. What a sacrifice it must be to become drunk again. I don't understand where he's getting these ideas. I don't think he understands that nobody, including Lindsay, really wants to see his face. Including rehab clinics.

Photo: The Inquisitr

Taking Deaths: T.I. Talks Man Out of Suicide

T.I., one of my many chocolate bunny favorites, was listening to Ryan Cameron's V103 radio show based in Atlanta and heard there was a man on top of their building who wanted to jump off. When T.I. heard the news, he called the radio station and asked if there was anything he could do to prevent the man from jumping off the 22-story building. I, as the jumper, could have came up with some pretty creative ideas for T.I. Cameron asked T.I. to come over where he made a video saying "Nothing is that bad. Nothing in life is worth taking your life. I'm here to help you. Please come down to talk to me." Had I seen that video, I would've been in the lobby in a minute. Naked.

Aside from saving lives, T.I. is due in court this Friday to face the music about violating his probation by getting arrested for drug possession. If only I was the judge that had the responsibility of sentencing T.I. I would open my heart, open my legs, and sentence him to the same work-release program as Montana Fishburne.

Photo: BET

Can You Pay My Bills?: Melissa Etheridge Isn't Feeding Her Ex-Wife

So I guess Melissa Etheridge married and divorced some lunatic named Tammy Lynn Michaels and obviously she sounds like a hot mess. Etheridge filed for separation and joint custody of their twins. At the same time, Michaels wanted financial support from Etheridge, but Etheridge's lawyer is rejecting the idea. Then, Michaels decided to try to take action in her own hands and file for her own divorce and ask for FULL custody of the twins. Her first mistake is filing for full custody when she's also asking Etheridge to support her. Why the hell would she ask for support of her damn twins when she can't even support herself? Second mistake: she filed for divorce as a married couple when her and Etheridge were not even married. They shared a domestic partnership. After that, Michaels' and her lawyer are complaining that Etheridge left Michaels and their twins with only $4. Michaels' lawyer continues to say Etheridge is not treating Michaels like a wife. I'm guessing that's because they're getting a divorce. However, Etheridge's lawyer says Etheridge is paying ten of thousands of dollars in monthly expenses for Michaels, which I believe because it sounds like she's the only one with all the money. The best part is Michaels' dumb ass asked for Etheridge to pay for her legal fees. Luckily, the court ruled that Etheridge has been paying for food, housing, school and all the other necessities that Michaels and the twins need to live.

There's something that obviously needs to be said here. I don't care who you are, whether you're a celebrity, or a celebrity's ex-wife, or just a stupid mistress, you need to learn how to make your own money. I hate when dumb asses, like Michaels or Michael Douglass' ex-wife, complain that they aren't getting enough money. Make your own damn money. Either that or close your legs or stop having kids or else you're going to end up like Octomom.

Photo: TMZ

Screamo: David Arquette and Courtney Cox Separate [oh no...]

Everybody's crying about the separation between Courteney Cox and David Arquette. I go on Twitter today and it's all over my news feed. Even OK! magazine found out about it so obviously it got everywhere. To be honest, I don't see what the big frickin' deal is. First of all, I hate when people get all happy over celebrity couples and get all sad when they break up. Second, I don't think anyone really cared that the two got together in the first place so I don't know why everyone's making a big deal now. They released a stupid statement about their divorce and I'm just going to copy and paste because I didn't feel like reading all of it nor do I want to paraphrase it. "We have agreed to a trial separation that dates back for some time. The reason for this separation is to better understand ourselves and the qualities we need in a partner and for our marriage, [...] We remain best friends and responsible parents to our daughter and we still love each other deeply. As we go though this process we are determined to use kindness and understanding to get through this together. We are comfortable with the boundaries that we have established for each other during this separation and we hope that our friends, family, fans and the media also show us respect, dignity, understanding and love at this time as well," If you ask me, it sounds like a rehearsed speech. Either way, I don't see the point of a separation. I'd rather get straight to the point and get a divorce so I can have sex with new people already and not feel bad about it. One surprising part about this story is that Arquette has already been getting close with someone while there is no news of Cox [lmao] seeing someone. According to TMZ, Arquette has been getting intimate with Jasmine Waltz who is famous for punching Lindsay Lohan on her birthday. People are getting famous for the stupidest shit these days. I'm disappointed because I thought Cox would be the first one to be seeing someone else, like one of the Jonas brothers or Justin Bieber.

Photo: The Bosh

Teen Dummy: "Teen Mom"'s Amber Portwood Is Dating a Sex Offender

Amber Portwood of MTV's Teen Mom has been having a couple of issues with the media lately. Recently, her and her baby daddy, Gary Shirley, are having their relationship put under investigation by Child Protective Services because of domestic abuse. Apparently, there was an episode where Amber can be seen hitting Gary several times in front of their daughter, Leah. Welcome to life. The footage also shows Amber yelling and Gary not fighting back. The yelling part I can understand, but Gary not fighting back seems a little strange to me. Either way, Amber moved on to bigger (or in this case, smaller) and better things and found someone new. She met a new man named Chris Hossman at the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart. How romantic. However, recent news reports are revealing that Hossman was convicted for child molesting on March 21, 2005 and released October 6, 2006. First of all, this was 5 years ago that this happened. There's no reports saying that Hossman did the crime a second time. Better yet, he seems more sane than most people I know giving people jesus juice and hanging their kids off of balconies. Second, if it was 5 years ago, that means Hossman who is now 27 was 22 at the time. I get the feeling that "child molesting" was probably him dating a 16-year-old girl. Guys his age in Indiana never date girls their own age. Give him a break. Either way, this is the reason why I never go on dates anymore. I don't care about your past. I don't care about your future. The first thing I want to know is: are you good in bed? If you take a look at Amber's ex-boyfriend and Hossman, then she's probably taking a step in the right direction.

Photo: Babble

Trick or Meat: Dress As Lady GaGa or Jersey Shore For Halloween

Party City, the company that sells stupid costumes every year for Halloween made some pretty ridiculous costumes this year. Of course they kept it classic by keeping some of the same costumes, such as the slutty cop, the slutty nurse, and the slutty vampire, but this year they added a couple of pretty good ones. First off, you can dress as a cast member from Jersey Shore, but only Pauly D, Snooki, or the Situation. I don't know if there are anymore cast members. Hopefully this comes with complementary drugs and alcohol. If so, then I'm definitely interested in being Pauly D. or the Situation this year. I would like to be Snooki, but I doubt that costume will come with any cocaine or ecstasy. If you've seen Snooki's waist line recently, you'll understand. Aside from them you can also be Lady GaGa this year. Trick-or-treaters can choose from Pokerface Lady GaGa, Telephone Lady GaGa, or VMA performance Lady GaGa. I was a little disappointed to find out that the meat dress wasn't an option. I was hoping I could two birds with one stone by getting a costume and food for the barbecue in one place. After looking at the Party City website, it says that the Lady GaGa outfits are only available for women. However, I have no doubt that there will be more gay men tucking in their penises pretending to be Lady GaGa then there will women. I'm sure lots of female college students are going to be buying lots of costumes for their gay friends this year. Whether I have a costume or not, I know this year I'm going to be the Lady GaGa that got drunk and only remembered to put on half of her outfit at a baseball game.

Photo: Party City

Frank Farter: I Just Found Out My German Roommate Farts A Lot

I was on Twitter today and one of the people that I follow is OMG Facts. It's a website that tells people a bunch of shocking facts like a woman who had sex with 919 men in 12 hours to stupid shit like pyramids used to be white. Either way, I saw a fact that said the average farts about 14 times a day. Now I consider myself someone who farts more than the average person, but I never imagined myself farting 14 times every day. Then again, who's counting? The report also said if you want to cut down on farting eat less diary products and fatty food. This would explain a lot since cereal is the only thing I know how to cook and I spend half my paychecks on McDonald's. Either way, I've been thinking a lot about this and it made me realize how my German roommate, Sabine, must fart more than I do. The bitch eats nothing but apples, carrots, and ice cream. She goes to McDonald's more than I do, buying two ice cream cones per visit, and deep throats them like a champ. At the same time, she's always stealing my roommate's ice cream. The only reason I know this is because she texts me like every other day saying "sorry I ate your ice cream. I'll buy you a new one." She knows that I have sex all the time and one of the best texts I got from her read, "Sry i finished ur ice cream again.hope u are not angr.y u will get a new one of coursd.have good sex!" P.S. I'm not retarded, that is the exactly what the text message looked like. I told Adam, the owner of the ice cream, that she texts me thinking it's mine, but I haven't told her that it isn't mine. This allows me to steal ice cream and still blame it on Sabine. Either way, it made me come to the conclusion that this German bitch must be a real Frank-Farter. Now I've also figured out who's been leaving Hershey Squirts on the tiolet.

Photo: Milda Vigelyte Facebook

Overprotected: Mel Gibson Keeps Bodyguard Away From Daughter

After reading some TMZ news, I found out that Mel Gibson is worried about his daughter Lucia because Oksana's bodyguard is a felon who has a past of firearm abuse. Luckily, Lucia hasn't even turned 1 yet because it'd be pretty tough to choose to be babysat by a felon or someone who gets drunk and calls you a cunt all day. The bodyguard, Kristian Otto Herzog, has apparently been making decisions for Oksana when it comes to the court case for the custody of Lucia. Herzog has been the reason why Oksana has changed lawyers so many times. So far I don't see what the problem is. Also, Herzog has been arrested twice for impersonating a police officer. The first time, Herzog pursued two men around Hollywood and accused them of cutting him off, all while possessing a loaded semiautomatic firearm. The second time, he followed a woman out of a grocery store, made her pull over with his fake police car, and asked her a series of personal questions. If you guys ask me, he sounds like someone I want on my team if I wanted to a pull a prank on someone. Obviously this guy must be a lot more fun than Mel.

Photo: E! Online

Dozen Make Sense: "Raising Sextuplets" Couple Splits

There's a show on WEtv called raising sextuplets where, you guessed it, a couple raises sextuplets. Talk about a clever title and apparently the father is a hot mess, Mel Gibson status. Bryan Masche, the father of the six little animals, was arrested for raising Cain, which is basically computer hacking so obviously he must have been that one kid who survived middle school with scars and bruises. When the cops came to arrest him, he was also charged with resisting arrest and domestic violence against his wife, Jenny, and her father. My favorite part of the report is when Bryan threatened his father-in-law by saying he was going to "flatten" him. I've never heard of such a threat, but I think it's great. I can imagine Bryan saying this while he pushes back his reading glasses and pulls up his pants to his nipples. Either way, I don't know what is wrong with people these days. Women are pulling kids out of their vagina, 6 to 8 at a time, and putting them under the worst rearing conditions. Kate Gosselin is a complete bitch and Octomom is half-retard. Now you got this couple with a father who is probably Mel Gibson's long-lost twin. This is the reason why I choose not to have kids. I'm doing the world a favor. You're welcome.

Photo: E! Online

Undress Or Roofless: Octomom Refuses Porn To Pay Foreclosure

Nadya Suleman aka Octomom aka stupid bitch who decided to have 14 babies for no reason is apparently behind on her monthly payments for her home. Amer Haddadin, the man who sold the house to Octomom and her dad, originally gave her a deadline to pay her bills by March 23rd, but her lawyer convinced Haddadin to extend it to October 9th. After hearing news that Octomom might lose her house, Steven Hirsch, the president of a porn company called Vivid Entertainment, wrote her a letter offering to pay her bills IF.... she did a porn tape. Sounds like a win-win situation to me. However, Nadya Sule-dumbass says "I'll do whatever I can... as long as I'm fully clothed." Talk about boring. She doesn't want to do a sex tape and she didn't even get penetrated by some guy when any of her children were conceived. I don't know what it is she has against sex, but I'm guessing no one wants to have sex with her. So instead of doing one sex tape to pay off her home, this past weekend she decided to make money by doing something else: having a yard sale. What a bright idea... I don't know why she doesn't just go for the sex tape. She's about to lose her home, she lost her dignity a long time ago, and by now, after giving birth to 14 little rascals, I'm sure she's lost her vagina, too.

Photo: Extra!

It's A Rap: Lyfe Jennings Retires After Going To Jail

Lyfe Jennings is going to jail for 3 and a half years for illegally owning a firegun, like most of his rapper friends, along with other mistakes he's made in the past. Apparently he fired the weapon in public and tried to flee the police. My favorite part is when the report talks about trespassing. He kicked down the front door of his baby mama's house, also where his 2 kids live, fired a few rounds out into the street, and let the cops chase him around some random city in Georgia. It makes me love black men that much more. He went to twitter where he says thank you to everyone who has given him a chance and claims it will be his last tweet. He also declared his retirement, but either way, he's going to jail for 3 years and everyone will probably have forgotten who he is by the time he gets out. Then on his twitter, he writes "I would like to think that I've changed lives by changing my own, tho I can't be sure..." I'd like to reassure him that he has. This is the kinda man I wanna take home to mama. I don't know if I can say the same for his ex-girlfriend.

Photo: The Boom Box

Prison Break-Down: Prisoner To Sue Kardashians For Emotional Distress

I've just heard news about a prisoner at the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections who wants to sue the Kardashians because their show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, has made him go crazy. He claims that he was forced to watch the show, which I don't know how that happens unless your cellmate threatens to rape you. Even then, that sounds like a win-win situation to me. The guy's name is D.J. Goodson so obviously he won't get very far in life and he claims to be put under through emotional distress because he witnessed domestic abuse, like when Kim had her celebrity boxing match, emotional abuse, like when Kourtney and Scott argue about their stupid relationship, and racism, when Kim refers to black babies as baby doll. First of all, racism is the most retarded thing he can claim. Kim and Khloe have been doing all sorts of black men a favor by having sex with them all. Second, what the fuck is a little bitch crying over two people arguing on TV doing in prison? How the hell did he get there in the first place? Jaywalking? Thirdly, I don't know how the hell he was forced to watch the show. There's plenty to do in prison. Trust me. I've been arrested. Time flies when you drop the soap.

Photo: Khloe Kardashian Dot Net

Don't Ask, Don't Care: Nicki Minaj Is Being Celibate "By Choice"

Nicki Minaj is one interesting cat that I just can't seem to put my finger on. She makes very interesting music and what I like about it most is that it's always different. Nothing is ever the same with her. Anywho, her music suggests a lot of sexual connotations of having sex with both men and women. Apparently the press is making a big deal about her talking about doing sexual acts with women and she's getting sick of it. She says, "When I rap, it’s just an extension of how I speak, and that’s how I talk. If you don’t like it, don’t listen. I’m also not going to explain something just because I said it in a rap. Take what you want from it. [In the press] I didn’t say [I don't like women]. I said I don’t have sex with women. I don’t have sex with men right now either. If [bisexual is] what they wanna call me, then fine." After going on Google Translation and putting in this excerpt from "Nicki Minaj" to "English" I found out that she's saying, "men don't wanna sleep with me, so I tried girls to get more attention, so now I'm going to hide my sexuality so the media keeps following me." She continues to go on saying that she's celibate and encourages all  of her "young barbies to do the same." Looks like I'm no longer following her on Twitter anymore.

Photo: Tha Dog House

American Idiot: Idol Executives Think Someone Is Downplaying The Show

I feel like nobody wants to be an American Idol judge anymore since people keep leaving and people I've never heard of keep joining. I don't know about you guys but it's been quite a toenail-biting experience waiting for someone to tell me who the newest judge is going to be. According to Popeater, the newest judge on American Idol is going to be... wait for it... Jennifer Lopez. I don't know how they managed to get her on the panel, but I'm assuming it had a lot to do with information on how to be more talented. However, executives of the show believe someone is trying to sabatoge the show, as if Paula Abdul hasn't done enough of that. Executives say someone is deliberately making up stories about how demanding Lopez is. I don't know if anyone is making up these rumors to destroy the show, but what I do know is that Lopez is demanding. One magazine editor who worked with her says, "When we shot her for a cover, her list of demands were crazy. She needed an all white room scented with Jo Malone candles. She insisted on having a banquet of food -- that she never touched -- and even had the nerve to ask for a specific type of private plane." As if that wasn't bad enough, another article says when she performed in Monaco, she had another trying list of demands. It included a helicopter, a speedboat, and a champagne fridge. Now a champagne fridge is totally fine by me, but I don't know why she needs a helicopter and a speedboat. Who the F*** does she think she is? James Bond? The worst on the list, however, was a pair of $3,000 diamond encrusted headphones to drown out the noise of the motor when onboard the motor boat. I don't know who told her that she needs to spend $3,000 to drown out some noise but I'm sure a simple pair of $10 head phones from Wal-Mart would've been fine. I'm sure Marc Anthony uses them to drown out the noise of J.Lo's voice.

Photo: Music Box Mix

No Rebound: Nobody Wants Allen Iverson On Their Team

Everyone knows that basketball is a huge part of my life (JAJAJAJA!!!) so it was quite a shock for me when I found out about Allen Iverson's little dilemma. To be honest, I don't know much about the guy, but I do know he quit two teams last season and has a reputation of being a ball hog. I decided to investigate this even further so I decided to source the best of the best and her name is Rose Lopez-Miranda, aka my mother. She says Allen "Cryverson" Iverson is always bitching and thinks he's the best player out there. I don't know if this is true because I can't tell any of the players apart. They're all tall, dark, and fuckable to me. Except that chinese one.... sorry Asia. Now that nobody wants to call Iverson, his plans are to take his game to China. Talk about a drama queen. If my sources are correct then I don't feel sorry for the guy at all. Nobody ever liked a quitter. Nobody ever like an arrogant ball hog unless you're the guy who tea-bagged me last weekend. However, I do know how he feels because when I was in middle school, I was never called on to be on someone's team in basketball during P.E. period. I knew I should've been practicing something outside of jump rope and hoola hoops.

Photo: LA Late News

Spank You: Lady GaGa Gives Beyonce Matching Whip and Lingerie

This past weekend was Beyonce's birthday where she spent time with her man, Jay-Z, at the Eminem concert since he had to perform. Talk about a memorable birthday. Lady GaGa was also at the concert where she surprised Beyonce by decorating Jay-Z's dressing room with balloons, which is pretty weird for GaGa because I thought she would decorate it with something more creative like wigs or disco sticks. Either way, GaGa sang to Beyonce and opened up a bottle of champagne. As a gift, she gave Beyonce matching diamond studded lingerie and a whip. You've been a very bad girl, GaGa. Hopefully Beyonce uses it in her next video so we can see her wearing something besides a leotard. 

Photo: NY Daily News

Washington D.C. Cup: Michaele Salahi May Pose For Playboy

There's rumors spreading around about a housewife of Washington D.C., Michaele Salahi, who is preparing for a photo shoot with Playboy later this month. When I heard about this toenail-biting rumor, I knew I had to put this under further investigation. Therefore, I decided to turn to two of my most reliable sources: TMZ and In Touch Weekly. In Touch has an exclusive interview with Salahi where she admitted having interest in plastic surgery. She says, "Definitely. I would love to do a whole lot of Botox and maybe get collagen, too. I also think it would be great to have boobs. I'm a B [cup], so I'd get a C. I'm all for anything you can do to make yourself look and feel better." I think a more appropriate operation would involve a guillotine.


This article naturally sparked a lot of plausible rumors, which is where the tabloids came in. TMZ reported that Salahi is going under the knife for a Playboy photo shoot later this month. How original. I don't know what it is with reality TV stars doing x-rated projects, but you'd think they'd realize by now that it isn't getting them anywhere. The source didn't want TMZ to release their name, but I'm going to guess it was probably Salahi's just-as-much-of-a-fame-whore husband, Tareq Salahi. If they really wanted to make some money, I think they should do what my friend Michael Jackson did and make a movie called This Is It.


Photo: Examiner

Leave Me Stallone: Sylvester Stallone's House Has An Intruder

So apparently there was an idiot who climbed a few fences to get to Sylvester Stallone's house to show the celebrity his martial arts moves. Talk about ambitious. The guy in question, Damon T. Dana, says he even knocked out a pit bull with a left hook. I don't know if he did that or not, but if he did, he sounds like a problem. I'm sure PETA is pissed. Dana says he moved from Germany to L.A. and trespassed Stallone's property so he can personally prove to the star that he can be an action star, too. I say give it to him. Stallone looks like the type a guy who has a mine field as a front yard and a tracking device in all of his kids rectums. At least he saved himself the embarrassment of auditioning for America's Got Talent. The best part is that when Dana finally made it to Stallone's front yard he spent hours exercising and practicing his martial arts moves until police arrested him. This guy obviously has way too much energy. He may have some substances that I could buy from him.

Photo: Jaunted

Cry Me A River: Joan Rivers Complains About 'Dancing With the Stars'

Joan Rivers loves to bitch. She is the host of some fashion show where she bitches about how bad people look. She's always getting plastic surgery on her 90-year-old face, so I'm assuming she bitches about that all day, too. Now she's bitching about how she wants to compete with Dancing With the Stars but ABC hasn't given her an invitation. "They've never asked me, so they can go f--k themselves!" What a way to win them over... However, she says she doesn't want to do it because she thinks she's good at dancing. I couldn't agree more. "I would do it for the exercise," she said. "Making yourself dance everyday for six hours a day I think would be so great." I don't think you need ABC to get some exercise. Here's an idea: take some ecstasy and attend an after-hours club. I hear the moon is opening a new one. She should go check it out.

Photo: Gambling 911

Canon Bawl: Nick Canon Babbles About Wife's Rumors

Nick Cannon had the opportunity to attend the US Open's Arthur Ashe Kids Day recently and talked to reporters about his boring life. First of all, he's a real party animal for attending. I'm going to be so jealous when he gets invited to all the pizza parties that I get kicked out of. Second, we don't really want to hear anything he has to say unless it has to do with people bagging on his wife. But of course, he doesn't get the hint so he talked about how he loves kids and how he is "a big kid." Tell us something we don't know. Standing next to Mariah doesn't make you look any more mature. He also talks about having kids, which I feel like is something that shouldn't happen for him until he's not a minor anymore. I can see him fighting with his kids over race cars and barbie jeeps. Finally, he talks about people downplaying his wife and says that everyone just keep saying the same thing for two years. I'm guessing that's probably because Mariah's waist line has been the same for two years.

Photo: Pop on the Pop

The Perfect Situation: The Situation Promotes a Vodka With Protein!

I have just found out about the best invention since grilled cheese sandwiches: Devotion Vodka. It's a type of vodka that contains a clear protein called Casein. Why the fuck hasn't anyone thought of this before? Alcohol is known to be a major degradation of muscle build-up, but now with devotion you can still build muscle and drink alcohol. However, you must be on some sort of weight training program. If you drink this and you're not really looking to build muscle you'll end up like Regina George when she found out about those Creatin Bars. And who better to promote the product then Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. I just wanna be in a room alone with him and a bottle of whip cream... and I don't even like whip cream...

Photo: Mtv

Bill O'Really?: Bill O'Reilly Criticizes Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber

Bill O'Reilly has been quite a steamy little teapot lately. After hearing Jennifer Aniston say women don't need to wait around for a man to have a baby, O'Reilly said Aniston is "being destructive to society." I don't understand his reasoning but that's probably because my idea of being destructive to society is being sober. Now O'Reilly is criticizing Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber after seeing a photo shoot the two stars did. The theme of the photo shoot was The Graduate, a movie where this young guy hooks up with this hot cougar. How clever of them to use Kim and Justin. I don't know what Billy Boy has against the shoot. He must be some sort of a repressed homosexual. I say repressed because as a homosexual, I think the shoot is the best idea since a buffet. One of the panelists on the O'Reilly factor argued that every 16 year old boy dreams of taking pictures with Kimmy K. Unless you're that one kid in middle school who played with jump ropes instead of basketballs. Their dream probably involved extra time in the locker room. However, it also wasn't a dream for bitch ass Bill either. He says "I think it's gross." Obviously, him and I have two different definitions of 'gross.' Gross for Bill: Kim and Justin pictures. Gross for Caesar Teaser: turkey necks. "I wanted to be a baseball player [when I was 16]," Bill said. "I didn't want to hang around with Kim Kardashian...I had a baseball bat and a ball and [a pair of] ice skates! That's what I was doing." Hey Bill, even flamers like me think Ice Skating is gay and if baseball was your sport of choice then I only have one question: pitcher or catcher? Looks like you're just like some of your other fellow Republicans in America who hide their homosexuality by hiring male prostitutes and use glory holes in public bathrooms.

Photo: Counter Light's Peculiar

Hit It D-Jay: Jay Mariotti Arrested for Domestic Violence

Wife-beating seems to be a recurring theme in Hollywood lately. Jay Mariotti, some guy I've never heard of, was arrested in LA for domestic violence at around 4:30am Sunday monring. Unfortunately there are not too many details of the arrest, which is pretty sad because I wanted to rate him on a scale of Ranae Shrider to Ike Turner. Google them. Lucky for Mariotti he was released on bail for a pretty penny of $50,000 Sunday afternoon. I'm guessing there's something in the Santa Monica waters because there's been men in Hollywood going after the wives with knives or punching out their teeth. Obviously there must be another recurring theme in Hollywood: women in L.A. are becoming more annoying.

Photo: Dead Spin

Heidi N Seek: Heidi Hasn't Responded to the Release of Her Sex Tape

Unfortunately, I have to talk more shit about stupid Spencer and Heidi. Just when you thought it was over, something new comes up. Why can't they be like Paris Hilton and just go away? According to TMZ, it all started when Spencer claimed he has footage of the two doing the dirty deed. Gross. Then he started trying to look for a deal and went to Steve Hirsch who is associated with Vivid Enertainment, the company that also released the sex tapes of Kim Kardashian and Montana Fishburne. I'm guessing it's probably the only porn movie production studio. Heidi and Spencer met up at a hotel in Costa Rica where Heidi thought Spencer was going to give her the two dogs they share when he actually wanted to give Heidi an ultimatum: do another reality show or have the sex tape released. Talk about drama... I don't know why they had to meet in Costa Rica for that when they both live in the same area. It's not like the paparazzi are all over them. Either way, Spencer says he'll release the tape if she doesn't agree and he also says "I'm a wild sexual freak and I love sex." I wonder what his right hand has to say about that. Now, his asking price for the tape with Vivid is 5 million big ones. Hirsch says it's a reasonable price, but that's probably because he hasn't seen the tape yet. Now he's going around telling the media how he's always wanted to be a porn star and he wants his sex tape to make more than Kim Kardashian's, which seems to be sort of an inspiration. Sounds a lot like my friend Montana. I don't know why everyone wants to be like Kim Kardashian. No one is ever going to be like her. She is naturally beautiful with an elephant for an ass. We already know Heidi got a new everything and Spencer just looks like a starving Wolverine. As for Montana Fishburne, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut because I heard she was in jail for beating the shit out of another woman.  Let's have lunch, girl!

Photo: Smosh

Special Words: Jen Aniston is Criticized for Saying 'Retard'

For some reason people cannot find a way to stop hating on Jennifer Aniston. After saying that her new movie Switch tells the audience women don't need a man to have a baby since they can do it on their own, Anniston heard some criticizing words from Bill O'Reilly. He said, "She's throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that hey, you don't need a guy, you don't need a dad. That's destructive to our society." Bill O'Reilly is obviously an idiot. Everyone knows kids grow up just as fine without a father. We all know Suri Cruise is going to be successful and look at her parents. Both Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have a vagina. Either way Aniston responded to the criticism saying she's not encouraging youngsters to go out and have kids, but that women can go out and have a baby before meeting the Bill O'Reilly in their life. Jen - 1; Bill - 0.

Now Jennifer Aniston is getting grilled for saying 'Retard' on Regis and Kelly. The Special Olympics, the CEO of Arc, and Peter Bern all basically expressed how upset they are. I don't know who the last two are so if I were Aniston, I wouldn't really care. People keep complaining about using the word 'retard' and how it puts down a certain group of people, but believe it or not, they are always going to be put down. People keep replacing these words with euphemisms, which in turn become the next word that stigmatize that same group of people. It may disappear for a while, but it'll always come back. Kinda like herpes. Also see: Paris Hilton's vagina.

Photo: The Inquisitr

Cuss Study: Tripp Finally Gets His Custody Hours

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have finally made a settlement on the custody of their child. Like every other case I hear about, the mother gets primary custody of the child, which I'm sure was a tough decision for the judge, since they both have vaginas. Levi is allowed visitation on Saturdays between 9am to 4pm and on Wednesdays from 12pm to 6pm. I don't know how they came up with those hours. It seems like they just put a bunch of days and hours on a wheel and spin it like it's Wheel of Fortune. The agreement also prohibits any parent from talking badly about the other parent in front of the child, Tripp. Nor can any person talk badly about the other family in front of him. In other words, neither parent nor anybody associated with them cannot put down the other parent in front of Tripp. I have a feeling that part of the agreement is going to be much harder for Levi than Bristol. Thank god for earmuffs.

Photo: Babble Australia

California Hurls: Katy Perry's Mom Flirts With Her Husband

Katy Perry seems to unimpress me more and more every time I read about her. She took time out of her retarded life to sit down with Glamour UK to talk about the relationship between her husband and her parents. She says at first her parents were skeptical about him, which sounds like Katy has some pretty smart parents. If you've seen Russell Brand's face, you'll agree. Luckily for the couple, Katy's parents learned to love Russell and Katy's mom even flirts with him via email. Gross. I'd rather give a foot massage to Shaq... Right after basketball practice. Katy also says she's looking forward to being married. "I won't be able to get drunk all the time, but I don't want to. I won't be able to waste hours on the internet, but I don't need to..." With that in mind, I don't exactly know what she's looking forward to, but it sounds like Russell might want to think about becoming a Mormon.

Photo: The Vapid

No She Di'int!: Fantasia Says She's Not A Homewrecker

Paula Cook of North Carolina is filing for custody of her two kids because she claims that her man, Antwuan Cook, had an affair with Fantasia, who won season 3 of American Idol. There's been all this fuss about Antwuan [I don't really see the point of spelling his name with a 'u' in it...] leaving Paula shortly after he started hanging out with Fantasia. In her complaint, Paula says that Antwuan and Fantasia have a sex tape, which will prove they had an affair together. Fantasia's representatives have made statements saying that she wasn't involved in the affair. Obviously, we have to ask ourselves two questions here that would put an end to all of this. 1. Who the hell would admit to having an affair? and 2. Who the hell would want to sleep with Fantasia?

Photo: Pop on the Pop

No Shots Part Deux: Charlie Sheen Stays Sober

This past weekend, crazy drunk ass Charlie Sheen partied at the Playboy Mansion and was "totally sober" according to Ron Jeremy who also attended the party. First of all, we all know people never seem that drunk when we're drunk. Second, anyone who goes to rehab has a high tolerance of alcohol, so the amount of alcohol Sheen had could be from 0 to 'just enough to get me laid.' According to Jeremy, Sheen was in a good mood and he laughed and smiled throughout the night. We can at least conclude he was on something, if it wasn't alcohol. Either way, it's good to know that Charlie wasn't trying to stab anyone in the neck or anything, but either way, the only people who needed to be drinking alcohol were the people who had to look at Ron Jeremy.

Photo: Rumor Addict

Carey Less: Drew Carey Loses 80 Pounds

Last Wednesday night, Drew Carey went to a party in LA where everyone saw the results of his weight loss. He refrained from eating any carbs since the beginning of the year and lost 80 pounds, which is around the weight of Kim Kardashian's ass. He says, "No bread at all. No pizza, nothing. No corn, no beans, no starches of any kind." I think that's a diet I could follow since he didn't say 'no vodka.' One of the benefits to the weight loss is that he's no longer diabetic, but he says "I got tired of being fat on camera." I'm glad he didn't say he wanted to lose weight to get healthier, because I feel like most people are losing weight to improve their looks. The only problem is: I don't think Drew looks any better.

Photo: Huffington Post

Where Have All The Oldies Gone?: Old People Go Missing In Japan.

Japan isn't exactly the best place to live right now if you're older than 100 years old. Last week, Tokyo police found a mummified man who all of Japan thought was the oldest man in that nation. They thought he was 111 years old, but he had been dead for 30 years. The best part is police tried to find his family to investigate whether or not they were taking money from his account after receiving a pension. The older the berry, the sweeter the check. Then, this week, a woman who turned 113 was also declared missing after local authorities went to her apartment and found out that she never lived there. In addition, there have been more reports of people over the age of 100 who have gone missing and/or their family members don't know what happened to them. My guess is that they've all died... 30 years ago. Apparently, Japan is the best place to live if you want to get rid of your grandparents. Since October of last year, there were 41,000 residents over the age of 100 in Japan. I'm thinking that number is going to go down as soon as they find out how many people have been missing for half of their lives.

Photo: Piscatorial Pursuits

Kim-moron: Kimora Lee Has a Yard Sale

This past weekend, Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee held a yard sale at the old house they used to share in New Jersey. I guess putting everything up on eBay was too difficult for them to do. The items ranged from a $200,000 Versace bed to $3 mugs. They have also sold the house for around $13.9 million. I bet the only things that weren't even touched by customers were the things in Kimora's and Russell's closets, which were ironically full of Baby Phat and Phat Farm clothing.

Much to my disbelief, Kimora actually donated much of the proceeds to charity. If she's getting $40,000 a month in child support from Russell, she damn well better be giving the money away. The worst part about the child support deal is that Russell said ""I am reading these stories today about how a judge ordered me to pay Kimora $40,000 a month in child support and I want to make something very clear. Nothing was ordered, it was given. My kids have a fabulous life; they are exposed to a broad range of artistic and scholastic educational programs and I’m very happy to contribute to that." So he's basically giving Kimora that much money to spend on their daughter's education. Both of them are assholes. Kimora is an asshole for accepting that much money when she is perfectly capable of making her own money, and Russell is an asshole for spending the money on something stupid, like an education. My mom always enrolled me into a public school and I turned out just fine, didn't I?

Photo: B.E.T.

Bear-y Sneaky: A Bear is a Serial Intruder

There's a black bear in Billings, Montana that may have been involved in over 21 late night break-ins over the past 3 weeks, give or take. The bear will usually break-in through screen doors or screened windows and rummage through refrigerators and freezers to find food. This bear sounds very smart. It almost sounds like a human is dressing in a bear costume and breaking in people's houses for food. Either that, or people are so retarded that they think a screen door is going to keep them safe from everything outside.

In the bear's latest intrusion, he broke into the house of Marek Rosin at around 1:30AM and attacked a supreme pizza in the freezer. Rosin says "He was about four feet from me with his head in the freezer munching on a pizza... It was almost comical if it wouldn't have been that close." I don't know if comical is the word I would use to describe being 4 feet from a black bear. You know what is comical? The fact that the bear also taught Rosin how you have to microwave a pizza before eating it.

Photo: The Privatopia Papers Blog

For Your Nympho: Montana Fishburne Is All About Sex

Montana Fishburne, daughter of CSI star Laurence Fishburne, is under a contract with Vivid Entertainment where she's made a porn movie set to release August 10th, which is definitely up our butts and around the corner. Porn has always been a dream for Fishburne and she believes it isn't a big deal. Comfortable with her body and sexuality, she says this could be the stepping-stone for her career just like Kim Kardashian's sex tape was for hers. Let's just hope she's right and doesn't end up like Paris Hilton or that one housewife from New Jersey. Though she admits she was nervous at first, she says she is fine doing porn since she "has a lot of at-home experience." She sounds like a lot of fun if you ask me.

Fishburne moved out of her father's house at the age of 18 so she can basically do what she wants, which i'm guessing is to make porn videos. However, some of her father's friends tried to prevent the release of the tape by buying all of the copies from Vivid Entertainment. By the time they tried to make the deal, though, the tapes were released to the retailers. That was a close one.

Fishburne reveals that her father isn't happy with her career choices, but she hopes that in time, he will be happy with whatever she pursues and hopefully one day he will be proud of her. I think lots of fathers can be proud of their daughters doing porn so they can attend dinner parties and say things like "well, my daughter holds the world record of the furthest squirt ejaculation," or "my daughter can discharge 10 golf balls from her vagina in 7 seconds."

The best part about this whole drama is the discovery of Fishburne's arrest last year for prostitution. I have got to party with her. She is still on probation for prostitution where the charges were dropped and she escaped jail to participate in a work-alternative program. I'm guessing her work-alternative is now doing porn. If that's not an alternative, then I don't know what is.

Photo: What's On XIA Men?

Mosquitoes Suck: Lady Catches 4 Million Mosquitoes

There was a competition in Taiwan where participants had to catch the most mosquitoes in a month. One lady caught around 4 million mosquitoes, which was more than double of the person who won second place. She received recognition as a Guinness World Record holder as the world's leading killer of the bug. Mosquitoes were a problem for spreading malaria and are now a major factor in spreading dengue fever. The good news is that this lady is killing a lot of annoying mosquitoes. The bad news is that she's allowing the multiplication of bad drivers.

Photo: Top News

Astro-Not: Katy Perry Sends Husband to Space for Birthday

For Russell Brand's 35th birthday, Katy Perry bought him a ticket to ride the Virgin Galactic space venture for $200,000. First of all, is it just me, or does Brand look way older than 35? Second, I don't like anything with the word virgin in it. Virgin Airlines always charges me too much for carrying luggage; Virgins never know how to be good in bed; and Virgin Margaritas are never fun for anyone. The trip will let Brand go to the Earth's atmosphere and float for 5 minutes in space. To me, that's like having sex with a minute man. If I'm going to be floating in space, I'm going to want a lot more than just 5 minutes. I at least want the chance to be able to use the bathroom and take ecstasy pills up there. Katy hasn't decided if she wants to accompany Brand on the trip. Hopefully Brand will go with her and come back alone.

Photo: Glamour Vanity