I Didn't Know I Was Stupid: Katy Perry To Have Multiple Kids If First Doesn't Hurt

Katy Perry went on Ellen the other day to talk about her new life now that she's married to Russell Fugly Brand. She says that she would love to have children, which she thinks is one of the main reasons why two people marry. "Especially to the person that you marry. You think, that person is going to be a good partner, a good parent," says Perry. Wait a minute. So I'm not supposed to marry someone for money? I don't even want kids. Why the fuck would I want to marry someone that I know is going to be a good parent? I look for other things in a man that will matter later on in life, like a law degree. Who knows what kind of trouble I'll get into in the future. Enough about me. Perry went on to say that she would be glad to have more than one kid so long as the first one doesn't hurt. Talk about a great way to plan things out. Hasn't she seen Knocked Up? I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Has she even talked to another woman?! Of course, it's going to fucking hurt! Giving birth is no fucking downhill bike ride. I hope she also knows that she shouldn't drink while she's pregnant. 

Photo: News 1

Katy Scary: If You're Retarded, You Can Be Katy Perry For Halloween

Halloween is around the corner and I'm actually pretty excited about all the costumes that everyone can have this year. At first, all of the new costume ideas were fine, but the more I find out about these costumes, the more out-of-hand it's becoming. First, there was Lady GaGa, which makes sense because what gay guy doesn't want to be her for a day? Then there was Jersey Shore, which sounds like an okay idea if only the costumes would come with complementary cocaine. Now I just found out that you can be Katy Perry, too. If you've seen her music video for "California Girls" then I'm sorry you had to see her put whip cream cans on her boobs and shoot out icing like her tits just climaxed. Anywho, that is the Katy Perry that everyone can dress up as this year, cupcake tits and all. In all honesty, I don't see how she can encourage people to have cupcake tits when she criticizes Miley Cyrus for dressing too old for her age. Either way, I don't want to be Katy Perry for halloween this year. I'm practically her every day. First of all, everyone tells me "Ur So Gay," every time I get drunk I turn into a lesbian and tell people how "I Kissed A Girl," and I'll never forget being double-teamed after "Waking Up In Vegas." Get on my level, bitch.

Photo: The Cupcake Diary

California Hurls: Katy Perry's Mom Flirts With Her Husband

Katy Perry seems to unimpress me more and more every time I read about her. She took time out of her retarded life to sit down with Glamour UK to talk about the relationship between her husband and her parents. She says at first her parents were skeptical about him, which sounds like Katy has some pretty smart parents. If you've seen Russell Brand's face, you'll agree. Luckily for the couple, Katy's parents learned to love Russell and Katy's mom even flirts with him via email. Gross. I'd rather give a foot massage to Shaq... Right after basketball practice. Katy also says she's looking forward to being married. "I won't be able to get drunk all the time, but I don't want to. I won't be able to waste hours on the internet, but I don't need to..." With that in mind, I don't exactly know what she's looking forward to, but it sounds like Russell might want to think about becoming a Mormon.

Photo: The Vapid

Astro-Not: Katy Perry Sends Husband to Space for Birthday

For Russell Brand's 35th birthday, Katy Perry bought him a ticket to ride the Virgin Galactic space venture for $200,000. First of all, is it just me, or does Brand look way older than 35? Second, I don't like anything with the word virgin in it. Virgin Airlines always charges me too much for carrying luggage; Virgins never know how to be good in bed; and Virgin Margaritas are never fun for anyone. The trip will let Brand go to the Earth's atmosphere and float for 5 minutes in space. To me, that's like having sex with a minute man. If I'm going to be floating in space, I'm going to want a lot more than just 5 minutes. I at least want the chance to be able to use the bathroom and take ecstasy pills up there. Katy hasn't decided if she wants to accompany Brand on the trip. Hopefully Brand will go with her and come back alone.

Photo: Glamour Vanity

Cat Fight: Katy Perry Criticizes Miley Cyrus

In her interview with Life and Style, Katy Perry talks about how she saw Miley Cyrus performing on the Much Music Awards. I didn't even know there was an event called the Much Music Awards. Katy Perry has reason to believe that Miley Cyrus is going to be the next Britney Spears. Well, that's a fat middle finger to Britney Spears' face. We all know Britney had the decency to lose her virginity at 14. When asked if she was mistaking Britney for Lindsay Lohan, Katy says "No, she's definitely headed the Britney route. It's worse. Look at those outfits. It's bad." Katy Perry is obviously an idiot. Everybody knows that Lindsay Lohan is doing a lot worse than Britney has ever done. And I never knew someone could have their future foretold by the way they dress. So what if she's 17? Girls her age are getting pregnant and if you're from Tennessee like Miley Cyrus then you're probably getting married to your cousin Billy Joe. I think Miley Cyrus is in pretty good shape. I love Katy Perry, too, but she's not exactly very conservative when it comes to her being naked in videos or writing songs about kissing girls.

Photo: E Online

A Little Bit Too Much: Lindsay's SCRAM Detects Alcohol

According to Radar Online and Star, Lindsay Lohan's little SCRAM anklet went off Monday morning around 1 a.m. after attending Katy Perry's MTV movie awards after-party at Las Palmas. However, according to Lindsay Lohan's Twitter account, the device didn't go off at all because Lindsay has "been more than I'm compliance &feeling great." I'm not a very good guesser, but I'm going make a shot in the dark and assume Lindsay meant she's in compliance. She also posted the tweet around 2pm yesterday so it is very likely she wrote that when she woke up. As an alcoholic, I drink at all hours of the day, but I have crashed enough house parties to know that if someone is at a social event at 1 in the morning, they are probably drinking some Jesus Juice, too. 

Believe it or not, I like Lindsay Lohan. I want her to get through this as much as her other 2 fans do. A lot of people aren't giving her the credit she deserves. Things take time and already Lindsay has passed 2 drug tests and when the SCRAM bracelet went off, it only detected "a little bit" of alcohol. Baby steps Lindsay. I know it is hard because I recently quit drinking alcohol. Even more recently, I began drinking alcohol again.