Miss DUI: 2010s Miss USA Arrested For Drunk Driving

Michigan Police have arrested Rima Fakih, Miss USA 2010, for driving drunk Saturday morning. Cops first found her speeding and swerving through Detroit traffic and decided to pull her over. According to the police report, Fakih introduced herself as Miss USA. I wonder if she used that high-pitched voice that they all use saying, "Rima Fakih. Detroit, Michigaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" When cops asked her to blow through the breathalyzer, her blood-alcohol content was 0.2 which is two-and-a-half times the legal limit. Cops also found a half-empty bottle of wine behind the driver's seat so obviously this girl is a classy ass bitch. She sounds like two tons of fun if you ask me. However, I don't condone drinking and driving. People need to be as responsible as I am and have a slice or two at the pizza place that's open after the bars close. And then fall asleep in the restroom until the janitor find you at 6am.

Photo: Damn Cool Pictures

How-Weird: Terrence Howard Says Wife Lies About Him Threatening Her

Terrence Howard's wife, Michelle Howard, has filed a restraining order on him after claiming that Terrence threatened to kill her. Allegedly, the spouse abuse started seven days after they got married. I think what Ms. Howard needs to ask herself is, "Could I be annoying the shit out of him?" Just recently, Ms. Howard says Mr. Howard, "slugged me across my face and neck" and threatened to throw her off a balcony. I don't know what would motivate someone to do that, but I'm surprised thoughts like these haven't been running through Kris Humphries head. Ms. Howard also alleges that throughout her marriage with Mr. Howard that he: smacked her in the face, chipped her tooth with his wedding ring, throwing her down to the ground in a parking lot, telling her, "I'll hit a woman quicker than I'd hit a man," saying, "If you tell anyone about my personal business, I will kill you and no one will ever know, and screaming, "Bitch, walk home. That's my car, I pay for it." These are some alarming quotes, but I must say, if Terrence Howard does pay for that car, then he's right. That is his car.

Mr. Howard has responded with more legal files saying that all the allegations are false and that the only reason she's fabricating these lies is because she is threatening to release exploitative material. Such material includes Mr. Howard singing in the shower naked. In all seriousness, she'd make a hell of a lot of money off me from that video alone. Lucky for Mr. Howard, I'm only a student with an alcohol addiction and fetish for spaghetti. 

Photo: Black Web Portal

Trans-Fixed: Transgender Woman Sues Khloe Kardashian For Assaulting Her

A transgender woman is filing a lawsuit against Khloe Kardashian for an altercation they shared back in 2009. It's now the end of 2011 so I'm guessing Khloe beat the memory out this tranny. The victim goes by the name Chantal Spears, but is also known as Ronald S. Spears. The article doesn't say whether she dresses up in man form as Ronald McDonald, but that would be an interesting twist. Either way, in Khloe's defense, I'm sure her mother taught him not to hit a woman, but I'd be confused, too. However, the court documents claim that Spears was attacked by ten other people along with Kardashian amazon according to TheWrap. I'm sure Khloe counts as five people. The whole altercation allegedly started in front of nightclub called Playhouse in Hollywood after Spears told Kardashian's husband, Lamar Odom, that he's too young to be married. Whether that's true or not, he certainly isn't to black to be married to Khloe.

Photo: Daily Mail

Bald-Lose: Alec Baldwin Kicked Off American Airlines Flight

Alec Baldwin has made the news again and this time it's about him getting kicked off of an American Airlines flight. The "30 Rock" star took to Twitter to inform his followers that, ""Flight attendant on American reamed me out 4 playing WORDS W FRIENDS while we sat at the gate, not moving." I wonder if he called the flight attendant's manager and left a nasty voicemail. The flight was delayed an hour, which would have made me mad if alcohol wasn't being served. According to Twitter's trending topics, only two people reported seeing Baldwin get kicked off so obviously it sounds like it wasn't worth the wait. I honestly don't see what the problem is. If a flight attendant asked me to put my phone away, I'd comply. And like every other smart person I'd take it back out when no one was looking. Apparently, Baldwin isn't the quickest cheetah in the jungle.

Photo: Crispy Hundos

Alley Cat: Rescuers Spend 12 hours To Save A Toy

There was a missing pregnant cat in the UK that villagers thought was trapped inside of a bin. The cat was first caught missing when it ran away after it was going to be adopted into a new home. About three days passed and villagers heard meowing from a clothes bin. However, they could not look into the bin because it was locked shut. They called the fire department and the RSPCA to open the bin, but both of them failed. Is this a clothes bin or a god damn vault? Finally, they decided to drive the bin to a specialist engineering firm where they were able to open it with saws. The villagers dug through the items to retrieve the cat only to find out that it was a squeaky toy. Moral of the story: cats are not worth rescuing.

Photo: Hawaii Life

Pot Suit: Bob Marley's Family Sues His Half Brother

Bob Marley's widow is suing Marley's half-brother for using the family name on various products. According to TMZ, she filed the lawsuit along with her nine kids, which seems pretty ridiculous. They might end up on Judge Judy, but it sounds like they're aiming for Family Feud. According to the lawsuit, the half-brother, Richard Booker, used the family name to sell fish products, such as fish, fish and chips, and fish mousse. First off, what the hell is fish mousse? That sounds worse than Belvedere's salmon-flavored vodka. Second off, this Booker character isn't very creative because if I was selling fish products and trying to pimp out Bob Marley's name with them, my trademark name would be Fish-K-Bob. Tell me that doesn't have a ring to it, though.

Photo: Flickr

Cool Cat: Kitten Survives A Washing Machine Spin Cycle

A cat has survived going through a washing machine spin cycle after veterinarians were able to get out all of the water it had in its lungs. The owner of the cat was doing a normal day of laundry day texting some friends when she realized her pet wasn't around. Something in her gut told her that she may have left it in the washer and when she went to the kitchen, she saw her cat through the washing machine glass door. Apparently, the cat somehow managed to jump inside the washer while the door was open. She didn't know whether to call the police or the firefighters so she went outside to go scream for help. I'm guessing that bright idea also came from her gut. The article didn't say how she got the kitten out of the washer, but she managed to drive the little shit to a local vet where they rescued her. The article did say, however, that now that the feline is back at home it continues to jump back into the washer. I don't know about you guys, but the cat sounds suicidal. Either that or it must have one hell of annoying owner. The cat was only 8 weeks old when the incident happened and is said to have been rescued after it was found in a box on the street along with its brothers and sisters. If this happened in the first 8 weeks of my life and I remembered it, I would probably take my chances in a washing machine, too.

Photo: The Daily Telegraph

Breaking And Decorating: Man Breaks Into House And Decorates

A man has been arrested for breaking into a house and putting up Christmas decorations. Before putting up the decorations, he lit a candle and turned on the TV. WHIO-TV reported that he was high on bath salts and I have reported that I may now have found a new drug of choice. The man got caught when an 11-year-old boy who lives there entered the house and found him sitting on the couch. The burglar was caught carrying a pocket knife, but the 11-year-old boy said he was very well-mannered when he found him in his house. The mother of the 11-year-old boy says he told her son, "'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'll get my things and go." I don't see what the problem is. Not only does this guy sound super nice, but he sounds like a damn good time. I've been known to get a little too messy when consuming high volumes of alcohol. I'm thinking about putting a pinch of bath salts around the rims of my margaritas to help calm me down. 

Photo: Wikipedia

Pulling Out: Michael Jackson's Death Bed No Longer Up For Auction

TMZ has reported that Michael Jackson's death bed will no longer be up for auction because the Jackson Estate asked the auction house, Julien's Auction's, to remove it from the list. It was supposed to be part of a list of merchandise in the Holmby Hills mansion where Jackson lived while awaiting to start his tour titled "This Is It." Ironically, that was also his favorite phrase when given a dose of anesthesia. Julien's Auctions says the mattresses were never for up for bidding since they were part of the evidence for Conrad Murray's trial. However, everything else is still going to be part of the auction. The one that stands out the most is the mirror Jackson used in his "inner sanctum," which is the room where only he was allowed to enter. Yeah, right. I'm bet there's still a little boy hidden underneath his bed or inside his closet, intoxicated from all of the Jesus Juice.

Photo: Blogger

PETA Cries... Again: PETA Bashing Nintendo For Super Mario Wearing Fur

PETA is making another complaint to someone who they claim is sending the message that it's okay to wear fur. This someone is Super Mario. Apparently Nintendo has released a game called Super Mario 3D Land, where Super Mario can power up and change costumes into a Tanooki suit. PETA is making sure everyone knows that a Tanooki suit is no joke. In fact, they made a whole website called Mario Kills Tanooki where anyone can play a game as a Tanuki chasing Mario to get his skin back. On the website, there is some text that reads, "Tanooki may be just a 'suit' in Mario games, but in real life, tanuki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur. By wearing Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it's OK to wear fur." Listen up, PETA. Tanuki fur may be a real thing to wear to the opera on the weekends, but Super Mario is not a real fucking person. If anything, you're sending the wrong messages because everyone knows a Tanuki can't fucking run if it's been skinned alive. 

Photo: Kotaku

TSA-hole: Jwoww Blasting TSA For Extra Security Search

Jwoww from the Jersey Shore went on a little twitter temper tantrum after the TSA treated her with what she felt like as "criminal" behavior. She says “Fargo ND airport just treated me like a criminal.. Holy sh*t! Travel 2x a week and never went thru what I did here. Has anyone got ‘randomly selected’ while walking on a plane and asked to ‘come with them’ to be additionally searched? I wasn’t randomly selected cuz I saw the tsa there pointing at me while I was getting a coffee 15 min prior."

The TSA responded to the event by saying, “As part of TSA’s layered approach to security, passengers may be subject to various random screening measures at the checkpoint or the gate. In this case, a number of passengers were randomly selected according to a pre-set protocol for gate screening prior to boarding an aircraft. This particular screening protocol consisted of a simple swab of passenger’s hands and did not include a pat down or additional screening of carry-on items.”

Jwoww also tweeted, "I’ve been patted down a bunch n don’t mind but after I’m getting on a plane seems odd and deliberate to me. Hate when people abuse authority.” First of all, abuse is not an extra swab test. It's what you do to alcohol every night. I'm tired of celebrities blaming airports for their problems. It's called someone doing their job. Then again, why would she know that? The only one she's ever had was with her boobs. 

Photo: SF Local Guides

Von Dumb: Kat Von D Claims Jesse Cheated With 19 Women

Kat Von D wrote a blog discussing an encounter she had with what she claims to be the 19th women that Jesse James cheated on her with during their relationship. She admits to being wrong saying, "Sure, its easy to tell someone, 'I told you so' especially if you're criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love. I know I deserve a big fat 'I told you so,' from everyone, and wish I didn't have to say, 'You all were more right than you'll ever know' but you were." She is also tired of being compared to Michelle "Bombshell" McGee saying, "Yes, I am pretty tired of getting mistaken for the girl who everyone believes to have broken up Jesse and Sandra's marriage, just because I have black hair and tattoos like that other gal. That does get a quite annoying at times, and it would be nice to not be associated with her, but that's trivial in the grand scheme of things." I don't know who is mistaking Kat Von D for that bombshell slut, but whoever they are hopefully they read Von D's blog. Then, they can realize that Kat Von D is the one who knows how to read and write, while McGee is the one who writes on her face. 

Photo: Leaky Faucet

Off The Wall: Woman Drives Through Wall During Driving Test

A woman in Southern China failed her driving test after she drove through a wall. I'm hoping it's not the Great Wall. She didn't have any major injuries and nobody was on the other side of the wall when she went through. The better question is 'is that wall okay?' She had mistaken the accelerator for the break and left the car half way in and half way out of an alley. She says, "I don't know what happened. I was parking very carefully and the car just took off." I know what happened. You're Asian. Wouldn't it be an interesting twist if she ran over another little girl? I know I'm a monster and I proudly admit that. Anywho, how hard was she pressing the gas to go through a damn brick wall? Didn't she realize it wasn't the break when she heard the engine revving? I've never been in a car accident in my life (knock on woody), but I have been hit by a car while I was writing my scooter. I don't think I have to say what race the driver was. 

Photo: Web Orange

Top Down: Topless Female Driver Causes Car Accidents

There is a woman in Australia who is driving around topless and erratically and may be causing traffic accidents. One of the accidents she may have caused is a three car collision, while another driver says the girl gone wild hit his car and fled the scene. That would be the first time I heard a man complain about a hit and run. Police have not yet started looking for the driver because they have not yet received a formal complaint. The woman was said to have been driving a 1991 Mitsubishi Magna. I don't see anything wrong with this. This girl sounds like two tons of fun, if you ask me. More like two tits of fun. We don't even know if she even did anything wrong. We need to consider all possibilities here first. Number one, maybe she is nudist who happens to be Asian. Number two, are any of the drivers in the traffic accidents Asian?

Photo: Photobucket

I Didn't Know I Was Stupid: Katy Perry To Have Multiple Kids If First Doesn't Hurt

Katy Perry went on Ellen the other day to talk about her new life now that she's married to Russell Fugly Brand. She says that she would love to have children, which she thinks is one of the main reasons why two people marry. "Especially to the person that you marry. You think, that person is going to be a good partner, a good parent," says Perry. Wait a minute. So I'm not supposed to marry someone for money? I don't even want kids. Why the fuck would I want to marry someone that I know is going to be a good parent? I look for other things in a man that will matter later on in life, like a law degree. Who knows what kind of trouble I'll get into in the future. Enough about me. Perry went on to say that she would be glad to have more than one kid so long as the first one doesn't hurt. Talk about a great way to plan things out. Hasn't she seen Knocked Up? I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Has she even talked to another woman?! Of course, it's going to fucking hurt! Giving birth is no fucking downhill bike ride. I hope she also knows that she shouldn't drink while she's pregnant. 

Photo: News 1

Three's A Crowd: Man Loses It After Trying To Have A Threesome

A Florida man is arrested for attacking two women after he tried to engage in a threesome with both of them on Sunday. One of the women, his wife, said that the man, Jorge Daniel Silva, started acting up when she and the other woman began kissing. After he became so angry, the two women tried to lock themselves in a bedroom, but Silva still managed to break through. From there, he grabbed a TV, swung it at his wife twice, and dropped it on her. The other woman tried to get intervene, but with every attempt, Silva would punch her. Silva then grabbed a second TV and threw it at his wife.

According to Silva's side of the story, his wife attacked him after she kissed the other woman. He admitted to being jealous after the women wouldn't let him in on the action and claims that he thought they were having sex when they locked themselves in the bedroom. This is exactly why I hate threesomes. There's always one person that has to be left out and I'd hate for it to be me. I don't want to compete for a penis because it's not even enjoyable anymore. It's more like a phone conversation that keeps being put on hold.

Photo: Guyism

Doggy Bark: Pitbull Disses Lindsay Lohan Over Lawsuit

Pitbull is criticizing Lindsay Lohan for suing him in a New York Court even though she's lived in California for over seven years. He continues to say that her never ending list of legal troubles will only keep her in California for longer than she wants. Because of all these legal issues, Pitbull believes the lawsuit should not be pursued in California. If you haven't heard Lindsay Lohan is suing Pitbull for defamatory lyrics he included in the single "Give Me Everything." In it he talks about Lindsay Lohan referencing her jail time, saying, "I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan." Lindsay  claims “condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements” in the lyrics are “destined to do irreparable harm to [her].” You know what else is harmful to her career? Getting a DUI, violating probation, stealing a necklace, and missing your community service appointments. If anything, Pitbull is keeping her current. She should be honored. If she really wanted to look out for her image, maybe she should change her last name to something better, like Manson.

Photo: 17

On The Nose: Voter Claims Poll Worker Bit His Nose

Police are investigating an incident that happened early this afternoon when a man allegedly tried to bite another man's nose off. The incident happened outside of a church, so apparently I've been missing out on some great entertainment on Sunday mornings. It all started when the victim, Greg Flanagan, saw a man and a woman arguing because the woman was standing too close to the man. I'm guessing he didn't want cooties. Flanagan became involved in the situation, angering the man and causing him to grip Flanagan around the neck, head butt him between the eyes, and attempt to bite his nose off. This guy sounds like a UFC fighter. Police have made no arrests even though The Cuyahoga County Board of Elections have confirmed that an incident did occur. I don't know why arrests weren't made if they know an incident happened, but what's more confusing is when did Mike Tyson become so political?

Photo: Treatment for TMJ

I Now Pronounce You Brother And Sister: Engaged Couple Find Out They're Related

The good news is a couple in South Africa are engaged and are expecting to have a child next month. The bad news is that they found out they are brother and sister. The couple had been dating for five years after they met in college and didn't find out until they wanted to meet each other's parents. It turns out their parents separated when they were both very young because the mother cheated on the father. The father raised the son and the mother raised the daughter, which is probably good because there probably would have been two separate stories about parents marrying their children. Neither of them knew they had a sibling, but they sure sound conceited. They probably liked each other because they couldn't stop saying, "Man, you look a lot like me. Mmm mmm mmm!" There's got to be obvious signs. Didn't they realize they have the same last South African last name?

Photo: Motifake

Dine and Dash: Kim Kardashian Bails On Paid Australia Appearance

Kim Kardashian has decided to pull out from a paid appearance in Australia to deal with her divorce with Kris Humprhies. She's pulling out of a divorce, pulling out of an appearance, and unless she's taking birth control, she probably told Kris to pull out, too. It's so unlike her to give up work to deal with her life. My money says she's probably going to do a divorce special on her stupid show. She said in a statement “I am very disappointed that I am unable to attend the Swisse marquee but I hope to come back and work with the Swisse team at another point in time." The funny part is that before that, she also said about the Australian appearance that she "didn’t want to bail" and wanted to “stick to my commitment.” I bet Kris is reading this report saying, "That's what she told me, too!" I'm not surprised these two are getting divorced. I wasn't expecting them to last that long either. I sort of treated them like hot pockets in a microwave: I see them in the spotlight together knowing it's going to end in 3... 2... 1...

Photo: The Fab Life

Baby Daddy: Did Justin Bieber Impregnate One Of His Fans?

Mariah Yeater is suing Justin Bieber claiming that he impregnated her after they had sex from a night where she attended one of his concerts. Yeater says they met on October of 2010 where a security guard asked her if she wanted to meet the Biebs. She said yes and said Bieber found a place where they could be alone -- a bathroom. So romantic... Yeater says, from that point on, Bieber's personality changed and he began touching her and repeated that he wanted to "fuck the shit out of" her. She claims that she asked him to put on a condom, but he refused because "it was his first time and he wanted to feel everything." She continues to say that she was on top of the shelf with her legs around him while he was on top of her and the intercourse only lasted around 30 seconds.

Bieber is denying that any of this ever happened, but if someone said I only lasted 30 seconds, I'd say it was a lie, too. I know this rumor is false because A) the report came from Star magazine and B) everyone knows Justin Bieber doesn't need to go to a bathroom to be alone with a girl. If he really wanted to have sex with a girl, he'd take her to his race car bed. The best way to find out if the baby is actually his is by either 1) seeing if the baby has a lesbian haircut or 2) attending the Maury show. It can't be so bad if the kid turns out to be his. As soon as Bieber's outgrown any of his clothes, he can just hand it on to his kid. They can probably even play the same video games or Transformer action figures.

Photo: Ology

Fuel To Fire-Crotch: Lindsay Lohan Is Going To Jail. Part 5.

Judge Stephanie Sautner has sentenced Lindsay Lohan to jail for 30 days and also gave Lohan a full week to surrender due to her unfinished photo shoot with playboy. So the good news is Ali and Dina can spend quality family time with Lindsay, but the bad news is Lindsay is going to be on Playboy. According to TMZ, Lindsay probably won't even stay incarcerated the full 30 days due to jail overcrowding and may only serve about 20% of the sentence, which is 6 days. I wouldn't be surprised if she did get out early. I also wouldn't be surprised if she went back to jail 12 hours later after being released just like her father. What would surprise me is the day Lindsay Lohan can finally say, "Maybe I should just go to bed."

Sautner also ordered monthly court dates in which she is to submit progress reports of how far along she is with her community service and psychotherapy counselling. If Lohan violates this contract, Sautner will sentence her to 270 days in jail. Lohan is also ineligible for early release or house arrest and will be paired with a "no-nonsense" probation officer. I don't know why it took them until her fifth jail sentence to say, "Hmm maybe we should be a little bit more hard on her."

Photo: Hollywood Dame

Red Alert: Lindsay Lohan To Pose Nude For Playboy

Lindsay Lohan is posing nude for Playboy and according to a source close to the mens' magazine, she will be showing her "boobs, ass, and vag." Now we can finally solve the mystery of "Is Lindsay a fire crotch?" I don't know why Playboy chose Lindsay Lohan to pose for the magazine. Lindsay Lohan isn't someone I find masturbation-worthy. What the fuck are all the men going to do when they buy the issue? Play dot-to-dot on Lindsay's face? The worst part about this story is that sister, Ali Lohan, and mother, Dina Lohan, were there to accompany fire crotch at the photo shoot. Some people invite their families to watch them act or sing. The Lohan's invite each other to watch them get naked. This is borderline creepy. We've all seen that photo of Lindsay and Dina making out. I can only imagine what thoughts were running through Dina's head as soon Lindsay got naked. One thing's for sure: Dina's going to enter the bathroom with a copy and come out smoking a cigarette.

Photo: Hollywood Tuna

Lo-Hands Up: Michael Lohan Gets Arrested Hours After Release

Michael Lohan is back in the news again. Apparently, he got arrested after his ex-girlfriend, Kate Major, called police regarding a domestic violence situation. Lohan was ordered not to communicate with Major in any way, however, 12 hours after being released he called her and police came after him. Lohan tried to escape the police after a dramatic chase. Lohan jumped from a 3 story balcony, hid in some bushes, then attempted to escape on foot. This guy needs to take Bruce Willis' spot on Die Hard. I don't know who can run away on foot after injuring his foot froma 34-foot jump, but I have two questions for Lohan. What was he on? And can I have some? The cops took Lohan to the hospital to monitor his injured foot before throwing him back in jail. Sadly, this isn't the first domestic violence issue Lohan has had with Major. I don't know who's dumber. Major for giving Lohan another chance or me for giving a shit about this story.

Photo: Pop on the Pop

In The Ass: Man Has Sex With Donkey, Thought It Was A Woman

A man in Zimbabwe has made a laughing stock out of himself after he told a court he had no idea he had sex with a donkey because he thought it was a woman. He says, "I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid $20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey." I don't know who to feel sorry for. The prostitute who only got $20 for having sex with a man or the donkey who got paid nothing to have sex with the man. Police found the man having sex with the donkey in his front yard around 4am with the donkey tied around the neck to a tree and lying on the ground. It sounds like the donkey didn't have anything against it, so what's the problem? 

Photo: I Chabod The Glory Has Departed

Pullin' My Lego: 8-Foot 100-lb Lego Man Washed Ashore

The Sarasota County Sherriff's Office has custody of a lego man weighing one hundred pounds and sizing around eight feet tall. This seems like a very unhealthy man according to the BMI chart. Jeff Hindman was walking along Siesta Key Beach just before dawn when he spotted the figure and dragged it to shore. The phrase on the figures shirt reads, "No real than you are" and will be given to Hindman unless someone claims the lego man before 90 days. A spokewoman for legoland says the piece is counterfeit and was not authorized to be made by Legoland or its parent company, Merlin Entertainments Group. Hindman says if he gets to keep the piece he is going to sell it on eBay. This isn't the first lego man that's been washed ashore either. In 2007 one washed up a beach in Holland and in 2008 another one washed up in England. The only person left to ask around for answers are those pirate legos. God, those pirate legos were so annoying. The only thing worse than being a pirate as a lego is being a pirate on that stupid Johnny Depp movie.

Photo: New York Post

PETA'd Off: PETA Goes Against The Movie 'We Bought A Zoo'

PETA is complaining about We Bought A Zoo, a movie starring Matt Damon and Scarlett Johanson about a couple who have no experience with zoo animals yet still manage to improve a zoo they bought. The vice president of this stupid organization, Lisa Lange, says it's sending out the wrong message. She says, "We Bought a Zoo conveys the misleading and downright dangerous message that no special knowledge—just a lot of heart—is needed to run a zoo." We fucking know that. It's a god damn fiction movie. Lisa Lame then mentions the tragedy about the exotic animals in Ohio and stresses that animals have special needs. Everyone has special needs, Lisa. It's called eating, sleeping, and going number two in peace. This lady is so stupid. People watch movies all the time and hardly expect things to happen that way in real life. You don't see people living life through song and dance after watching Glee, do you? PETA is always complaining. I believe in animal rights and the fight to make them equal, but come on. Cut the fuckin' umbilical cord.

Photo: The Hollywood Reporter

Man Vs. Machine: Robot Beats Human Rubik's Cube Record

A machine called the CubeStormer II holds the world record of solving a Rubik's Cube in 5.35 seconds, beating the human record of 5.66. I don't know who solved a Rubik's cube in 5.66 seconds, but this is what you get for wasting your god damn time on something that will get you nowhere in life. The machine is built with Legos and is powered with an Android smartphone. After the unsolved cube is placed in the machine's harness, an application on the phone will take a picture, solve the puzzle, and send the answer to the machine. I would really like this phone app if it could solve the puzzle "What happened last night?" This doesn't really surprise me because this has been happening for a long time now. Machines are always doing things better. Librarians are being replaced by Google, the mail man is being replaced by email, and girlfriends are being replaced by Wiis. Girls are just pissed because men finally found a replacement after they replaced their boyfriends with vibrators.

Video: Techna Bob

Gramma's Deal: Woman Accidentally Calls Cops For Drug Deal

A 61-year-old woman in Mississippi is being charged with possession and intent to distribute after she mistakenly called a detective of the Street Team Task Force. The detective answered his cell phone, but took the calls as a joke. The police said, "In initial calls, she wanted to sell some pills. He blew her off, and evidently she didn't like being ignored, so she started sending a series of text messages. That's when we kind of took it seriously." Police managed to set up a meeting and found the lady with a marijuana pipe and 30 hydrocodone tablets, which for those of you who don't know is about the amount of Charlie Sheen's breakfast. 

This lady is so stupid for calling and texting someone on a crime prevention team. If the first guy says, "Hello? Oh, hi. No, I'm sorry. I don't want any drugs from you. Goodbye." You call someone else that says, "What up, bitch? Ah, you got some pills! What else you got? Thassit? Aite aite. Meet me at the park! Peace!"

Photo: The Heretik

Trailer Trash Barbie: Tattoeed Barbie Has Parents Outraged

Parents in New York City are complaining about the new Tokidoki Barbie that has tattoos on her chest, arms, and neck. By the way, Tokidoki means "sometimes" in Japanese so I'm assuming these barbies will sometimes have a show about their successful tattoo parlor or they'll sometimes be a mistress of what seems to be a successful marriage. Aside from the tattoos, the doll also has pink hair, sky-high stilettos, and a pet named Bastardino. Despite all of these precious characteristics, parents are mostly mad about the fact that the barbie has tattoos. One parent says, "Maybe if a little girl sees that she also wants a tattoo and I think it’s not good." Whoa whoa whoa. Calm the eff down. If a girl really wants a tattoo just giver her a temporary one. You act like she's going to go out and take your minivan out to the nearest tattoo store, get a tattoo on her lower back of Hello Kitty, and hide it from you until it's bath time. I can see sixteen-year-old girls doing that, but if they're playing with Barbies then they've got other issues on their hands. The thing that pisses me off the most is that there have been worse dolls out there. What about Pregnant Barbie? I'm sure you'd rather have a 7-year-old daughter with a tattoo than a baby. And what about those baby dolls that pee all over the place? They're trying to make all these dolls that play maternal roles like cooking and cleaning. Why can't they make dolls that actually do something useful? Like Bartender Barbie. 

Photo: Flickr

In Deep Shit: Robbers Get Caught When Police Find Their Feces

Two men in Sweden are being charged with several offenses after police caught them by extracting DNA from the feces they left on the scene of the crime. Aw shit! I'm guessing the thought of robbing someone's home was scaring the crap out of them. The pair broke into a farmer's home, tied him and stole his car, some tools, and $1500 worth of kronor, which is Swedish currency. The farmer was apparently a strawberry farmer, but thanks to the caca now he's a strawberry fondue farmer. I hope they didn't try to use the money as toilet paper. It's very unsanitary. The number one thing they did wrong actually happened to be number two.

Photo: News

Fun-Raising: Students Receive X-Rated Fundraiser Prizes

School administrators are trying to return x-rated prizes that were already given out to students over a fundraiser. Over 160 students received slap-on bracelets, which reveal pictures of nude women if parts of the bracelets are taken apart. Talk about putting the FUN in FUNDRAISING. School officials began receiving phone calls from parents about the bracelets, but could only retrieve a handful of the bracelets back. The school district spokesman isn't surprised that many of the students are keeping the bracelets. He says, "Curiosity is bound to get the best of some of them." Now, the underside of desks can be sticky from gum and something else...

Photo: Get Polished

Bad Sample: Jay-Z and Kanye West Sued For Copyright Infringement

Syl Johnson is suing Kanye West and Jay-Z for allegedly sampling music from the blues and soul singer slash producer. I don't know who the hell Syl is, but I'm guessing I'm too young to know what he's sang and probably too cool to listen to blues. Court papers say West was denied permission when he asked Syl if he could use his song for the My Dark Twisted Fantasy album. Now Jay-Z and West are being sued for using it on their Watch the Throne album. Apparently this isn't the first time Syl has sued someone for trying to steal his music. He's sued people like Kid Rock and Cypress Hill for similar reasons. I don't know why people can't just start accrediting people. How hard is it to write someone's name on the back of a fucking CD cover? I think the real person who should be mad here is Jay-Z because he copies one song and gets sued right away. Beyonce copies several choreography styles and doesn't get sued.

Photo: Killer Hip Hop

Food Fight: Wife Beats Husband With Cupcakes

A woman is being charged with a misdemeanor count of domestic battery after she threw a series of cupcakes at her husband late Saturday night in Cook County, Illinois. Maybe if they lived in Bake County they would have actually ate their cupcakes instead of throwing them at each other. Police received a call from the husband and when they arrived, they found the man covered in crumbs and frosting. This is like Mariah Carey's biggest fantasy. The officers said the wife was verbally abusive towards the office and the husband told them he was fearing for his safety. Why the fuck would he fear for his safety from cupcakes? Like he's afraid of calories or something. Who is this guy? Kate Moss?

Photo: Igaboo

Rated PG for Porno Graphic: Hackers Change Sesame Street Channel To Porn

The makers of Sesame Street have taken down their YouTube channel after hackers submitted pornographic content to it. The pornographic content was up and running for about 20 minutes while viewers were allowed to see an adult film titled First Anal Quest: Angelica. I can only imagine what that's about... The hackers replaced the Sesame Street logo with a banner that said, "It's where porn lives" and in the video description they wrote, "Who doesn't love porn, kids? Right! Everyone loves it." A YouTube user by the name of MrEdxwx is accused of being the hacker since he was on there before the channel was compromised. He uses his YouTube account to make video games and denies the allegations. He commented saying, "I did not hack Sesame Street. I work hard to make quality gameplay videos, and most important I respect the community guidelines." I would bet all of the money I don't have to say he is the hacker. Both hackers and video game nerds probably spend more time on computers than breathing. I feel like video games and hacking is pretty analogous to Catholic Latinas and getting pregnant. Either way, I think it's funny the porno focused mostly on anal sex. Now they know what Bert and Ernie are doing behind the scenes.

Photo: Muppet Wiki

Age Defiant: Actress Sues IMDB For Publishing Her Age

IMDB is being sued for $1 million for revealing an actress' age on the site. The actress, who wants to remain anonymous, is complaining because she claims it is harder for women over 40 to get a job in Hollywood where youth is king. Her lawyer says, "If one is perceived to be 'over-the-hill,' i.e. approaching 40, it is nearly impossible for an up-and-coming actress, such as the Plaintiff, to get work as she is thought to have less of an 'upside' therefore casting directors, producers, directors, agents/managers, etc. do not give her the same opportunities, regardless of her appearance and talent," She says at first she asked IMDB to remove her age from her profile but her request was denied. Now she is suing the web site for violation of privacy, fraud, and breach of contract.

That's bullshit. It doesn't matter how old you are. It matters hold you look. That's why plastic surgery is such a trend in Hollywood. Look at Joan Rivers. Everyone knows she's over 80 but she's had more needles on her face than someone at a Courtney Love concert. The women is said to be of Asian descent, which I believe is her biggest problem. The only famous Asian people are Lucy Lui and anyone who took part in a martial arts movie. Homegirl can either start taking Karate lessons be a stunt double for that girl on Glee.

Photo: City of Kik

No Boys Allowed: Selena Gomez Granted A Restraining Order

Selena Gomez has been granted a restraining order against a man with an alleged mental illness history. Court documents reveal Thomas Brodnicki had several visits with a psychiatrists where he admitted to having conversations with God about visiting Gomez's workplace and killing her. Brodnicki's confessions came up during a mental evaluation after he threatened to scratch people's eyes out. The police are treating the case very seriously and Gomez says she is in "extreme fear." I wonder what Justin Bieber had to say. He probably got a boner when Selena told him, "I found protection!"

Photo: Photobucket

Asleep On The Air-Mattress: Harry Belafonte Falls Asleep On The Air

Harry Belafonte scheduled an interview with K-BAK, a station in Bakersfield, Ca. only to fall asleep on the air. After hearing nothing but silence on the other end, the news anchor asked him to wake up and suggested that "maybe he's meditating." I've seen the video and it actually looks like he could be sleeping. Also, he is 80-years-old so maybe he forgot to take his morning nap. Belafonte's rep, Ken Sunshine, said that they were having technical difficulties with the audio and he couldn't hear anything from the studio. I've been around people who were meditating and it wasn't hard to get them out of their focus at all. It was actually a yoga class and I was distracting people with my farts caused by all the compromising stretches.

Video: The Hollywood Gossip

Joint Release: Soulja Boy Gets Locked Up While Movie Gets Released

Soulja Boy is in custody after being caught with a substantial amount of weed with five other homies he was riding with in Georgia early Tuesday morning. Soulja Boy was riding in a cadillac with four other men when they were stopped at a checkpoint. Along with the weed, officers found a large amount of cash and guns inside the car. Weed, guns, and a cadillac; it sounds like all the ingredients of my black phase. Soulja Boy and his army were also charged with an intent to sell the weed, which is pretty stupid because everyone knows rappers smoke hella weed. Right, Snoop Dogg? Also, the officers were not sure if anyone in the car had a license for the guns, but if they're with Soulja Boy, then probably not. Ironically, Soulja Boy got arrested on the same day his movie got released. I guess it's a documentary about his life, which is going to be an hour-and-a-half montage of him Superman-ing a bunch of hoes.

Photo: People

Bar Brawl, Eh?: Mr. LaBeouf Gets Into Bar Fights In Canada

A video has been released all over the internet of Shia LeBeouf getting into a street fight with, what appears to be, Zach Galifianakis' stunt double. An eyewitness told a Canadian radio station that the altercation began inside a bar where LaBeouf and fatty started arguing. Security officers kicked the two out and fat ass decided to pummel LaBeouf. Friends of the Transformers star pulled him away from the fight and convinced him to walk away. Apparently, this isn't the first time Shia has been in trouble with alcohol. He's had a DUI, a drunk episode at Walgreens, and other bar fights. This only proves my theory that once a Disney star, always a trainwreck. Britney Spears shaved her head, Lindsay Lohan gets more dates with a judge than the camera man of Judge Judy, and Miley Cyrus was born in Tennessee.

I feel like I'm writing a story about myself. I'm not the cleanest dish on the rack but, believe it or not, I've learned from a few of my mistakes. There's a pretty good chance that shit needs to change when you wake up every Sunday morning saying, "Has anyone seen my left shoe or my front teeth?" I'm talkin' to you Charlie Sheen.

Video: D Listed (Courtesy of TMZ)

Belt This Note: Whitney Kicked Off Flight For Not Fastening Seatbelt

Whitney Houston decided to misbehave again when she boarded a plane in Atlanta and refused to put her seatbelt on. After being asked several times by one crew member, Houston continued to say no until a second member got involved. The second crew member told her that if she didn't fasten her seatbelt she would be kicked off the flight and finally Houston obeyed. Her entourage claim that she was in a fussy mood because she had missed an earlier flight. They also claim that she had not ingested any drugs or alcohol, which I think is the real reason why she was throwing a little hissy fit. If the flight attendants really wanted her to put on her seatbelt, all they had to do was say, "Get ready Ms. Houston, we're going to get high." Or even better they could have told her that her meal comes with a complimentary Coke.

Photo: Fun To Be Bad

Lindsay-B-Gone: Lindsay Turned Away From The Women's Center

For those of you who like Lindsay Lohan, you might not want to read this because I have two stories about her that I need to share. First off, she's been allegedly rejected by The LA Women's Center as a channel to get her community service out of the way. According to TMZ, the red head gone blonde violated the rules by not missing 9 scheduled visits and would often leave after working her first hour. Her rep says, "Lindsay is now serving her community service at the Red Cross, and we're not providing any comment beyond that." I'm assuming that's because she probably got fired from the Women's Center in LA. I don't know why the rep couldn't just tell us that she got fired, as if that is something out of the ordinary for her. I don't think she should be working for the American Red Cross though. They're responsible for handling emergency situations and collecting lifesaving blood. The only person I can see her giving CPR to is a woman on a cigarette billboard.


The second story is about how Lindsay's been getting more negative attention from a recent picture taken of her on the red carpet in LA. If you look at the picture that People posted, you can see that her teeth are yellowing with a bit of red nail polish. It looks like the teeth match the carpet and the drapes. The story gets better when they get a comment from her rep. He says, "Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers. She's been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She's a beautiful and glamorous actress." Tom fuckin Cruise was on the cover of Vanity Fair and all he had to do was have a baby. If he can make the cover with wife Katie Holmes, then anybody with a vagina can. 

Photo: People Magazine

Bite Me: Old Lady Beats A Boy Who Bullied Her

A 70-year-old lady is being charged for child abuse for hitting a 14-year-old boy who she claimed bullied her. The surveillance video of the bus where the incident happened shows the old lady beating, biting, and wrestling the kid. According to the hag, she was fighting in self-defense because the boy had threatened her in the past. I wish I could see the video because it sounds like something that belongs on America's Funniest Videos. I don't know why the hell she was biting the kid. What the fuck is she? A zombie? I'm sure her bites couldn't be that bad as soon as her dentures fell out.

Photo: Blatantly Blunt

Blow The Cover: Designer Integrates Breathalyzer Into Jacket

There is a designer in New Zealand who has invented a jacket that has a breathalyzer made into a jacket. The wearer simply blows into a sensor on the collar and lights will shine on the forearm of the jacket. The brighter the shine, the more alcohol the sensor detects. The designer says the lights will only shine for about a minute to prevent the wearer from becoming a light show. His main aim is to decrease drinking and driving, something that is very prevalent in New Zealand. "The main aim of the breathalyser jacket is to provide the wearer with enough information regarding the amount alcohol on his/her breath to make a decision on whether driving is in fact a good idea." I love this idea. As an alcoholic and someone who doesn't have their license, I think drinking and driving should be prevented any way it can. However, I find two possible problems for this breathalyzer jacket. One, as soon as people start drinking their judgement goes out the window. Trust me, it happens every weekend when someone writes on my wall on Facebook asking, "Do you remember what you did last night?" I feel like there's gonna be a few people who will be like, "Well, it didn't shine that bright." Two, what the hell happens when the battery for that stupid light goes out. After seven cocktails, someones gonna blow into their collar and say, "I'm still not drunk?"

Photo: Technabob

Doggy Treat: Chef Says Dog Meat Is As Good As Pork

There's a chef by the name of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall who claims that eating cooked dog meat is no worse than eating pork and the only reason it's looked down upon is because humans see dogs as pets and not farm animals. Although he believes in the claim he has no intention of farming dogs. He said he would not eat a labrador unless he was about starve. However, whether he decides to practice it or not, the chef has been getting criticized for the claim. A Dogs Trust representative said, "We believe that the concept of breeding dogs for food in any conditions, high welfare or not, is wholly unacceptable. Dogs are companion animals and as man's best friend they provide immeasurable love, comfort and support to owners all over the world." Uuh... Not in Asia. I just wrote an article not too long ago mentioning dogs being a popular dish in Indonesia. They're probably listening to that chef and saying, "This is what we've been saying the whole time!"

Photo: Blogger

Ass-anine: Kim Kardashian Talks Regrets and Cooking

Kim Kardashian went on the Rachel Ray show to talk about her life so far with her hot new husband that I could sure climb all over. I understand that this is such a stupid story, but it's not my fault that everything that Kim Kardashian touches turns into annoying. When talking about her wedding, Kardashian tells Rachel Ray that she only had one regret: not being able to stand on a stool. The annoying celebrity is only 5'2 while her husband is a whopping 6'9, which also happens to be my two favorite numbers. Kim acts like she doesn't have a big ass. If she wanted to be taller, she should have thought things through and just laid on her stomach. She goes on to talk about cooking for her husband. She says, “I cooked this meal the other day … I’ve made it before, I don’t know what happened with me I just made it so bad and he ate the whole thing. I took one bite and spit it out. It was the worst meal! But I made up for it with other things I had made.” Yeah, like making him a celebrity. 

Photo: We Heart It

What An Ass: Diddy Publishes Book About Lady Butts

Diddy has collaborated with a photographer to publish a book about the female ba-donk-a-donk. I don't know why he couldn't just collaborate with a director and just make another music video. Same thing, right? The piece is titled Culo and has been released as a coffee table book. Now this only gives homeless men another reason to drop their pants at Starbucks. I'm hoping J. Lo isn't on there because I've already had enough of her ass. I don't know why Diddy had to collaborate with a fashion photographer to make a book about asses. He's a rapper. I'm sure all he needed to do was photoshop all of the pictures in his phone.

Photo: Bossip

No Moore Marriage?: Ashton's Mistress Speaks Out

Us Weekly interviewed Sara Leal, the woman who had an affair with Ashton Kutcher on the morning of his anniversary with Demi Moore, and unveils the details about the whole situation. Leal says Kutcher approached her and kissed her and soon after, both of them  along with another young woman went into a hot tub completely nude. Then, Leal and Kutcher went back to his hotel room where they had sex twice and she claims, "He was good." She says they didn't use a condom and after sex they talked about religion, love, and politics. Leal is a Lutheran from Texas and a Republican so unfortunately for Ashton it sounds like she might pro-life. I don't know if I want to believe this. One, this interview came from Us Weekly and, two, the hot tub and fornication all sounds like something out of Two and a Half Men. If he was so good at sex, then Demi would probably be giving it up to him all the time. I have a feeling she's not giving it to him because he's not performing as well anymore. Leal also said that Kutcher likes situations like these because he's "an actor 90 percent of the time and it's fake." Just like Demi's orgasms.

Photo: Bongo News

Secrets For Marriage: Relationship Book Says Vacations, Secrets, and Cheating Maintain Marriage

Iris Krasnow has written a book based off of hundreds of wives she's interviewed and concludes the key to marriage is making out with exes, keeping secrets, and separate vacations, among other things. She says that each marriage has its own set of rules catering to the needs of each person in the relationship. Krasnow believes the only things that a marriage needs are trust, respect, emotional and sexual intimacy, friendship, and flexibility. I don't know how there can be trust if women are just cheating on their husbands all the time. And how can their be intimacy if women are keeping all of these secrets all the time? The book also encouraged women to marry Mr. Predictable and make out with your exes so I'm guess the title How To Keep Your Rich Husband and Still Have Fun was taken. If I was keeping secrets, having separate vacations, making out with my exes all the time, do you know what that would make me? Single! This is exactly why I don't believe in marriage. If you're not happy spreading your legs to just one person, then spread 'em further to let more people in. I'm an independent woman and I would never sleep around behind my husband's back to be happy. I'd rather be a slut with multiple men to gather different resources. 

Photo: Nairaland

Monkey See, Monkey Steals: Beyonce Accused Of Copying... Again

For the third time in her career, Beyonce is getting a lot of negative attention for being a part of a production that has very close similarities to a previous production. First, her "Single Ladies" music video, then her "Girls" live performance, and now for her music video for the single "Countdown." I think now would be a good time to fire your choreographer, Beyonce. The video seems to mirror lots of movements from a Belgian choreographer named Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker. The director of the music videos said “I brought Beyoncé a number of references and we picked some out together. Most were German modern-dance references, believe it or not. But it really evolved.” German, Belgian. Same thing. The director also says the video paid homage to Audrey Hepburn and The Supremes. If that's the case, then I've been paid a lot of homage to a lot of students who sat next to me in History class during high school. Check out the video and tell me what you think. 

Video: YouTube

Punched In The Facebook: Man Hits Wife For Not 'Liking' His Post

A man in Texas is pleading not guilty for the battery charges against him for hitting his wife when he noticed she didn't make a response to one of his Facebook posts. The guy posted a status about the anniversary of the death of his mother and was offended when other people were responding to his post, except his wife. He was dropping off their kids at the woman's home in New Mexico when he decided to confront her. He told her, "That's amazing everyone 'Likes' my status but you, you're my wife. You should be the first one to 'Like' my status." Then, he slapped her across the face and pulled her hair. Authorities confirmed that he was intoxicated at the time so that must have been one hell of a drive for those kids they have. I can't imagine what they've gone through. My dad has driven me and my brother home while under the influence of alcohol. He almost hit a mailbox and told it to get out of his way. Then he threw up on my lap and said, "Well, you shouldn't have been in the way then."

Photo: Simply Zesty

Boring-Anaz: David Boreanaz Says Cheating Made Him Stronger

David Boreanaz, formerly known as Angel and currently known as Bones, tells TV Week that having an affair with Rachel Uchitel made his relationship with his wife, Jamie Bergman, stronger. Although he says the marriage has had its ups and downs just like any relationship it was a way for them to get closer. He says, ""In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive. There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you." That's so romantic. Nothing's better than when a guy tells you, "I've cheated on you. Now I've made sure that no one gives me better sex than you do. Boreanaz also says, "Do I believe in giving up? No, I don't. I'm a fighter. I'm a lover." It's so easy not to believe in giving up when you're cheating.

Photo: Twirl It

Don't Be Frank: On-Looker Throws A Hot Dog At Tiger Woods

A man was arrested for throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods while he was getting ready to put on the seventh green on Sunday. Unfortunately, the culprit missed by a long shot or else Tiger would finally know how Rachel Uchitel felt. Shortly after the guy threw the hot dog, he got down on his knees and put his hands behind his back. Obviously, he was expecting to get a wiener in return. Woods laughed it off and continued playing the match, in which he didn't win. I hate it when people waste food. Everyone knows that food at sporting events are not cheap. If I was at the tournament, I would have made sure to have eaten that hot dog when no one was looking.

Photo: Opera