Red Alert: Lindsay Lohan To Pose Nude For Playboy

Lindsay Lohan is posing nude for Playboy and according to a source close to the mens' magazine, she will be showing her "boobs, ass, and vag." Now we can finally solve the mystery of "Is Lindsay a fire crotch?" I don't know why Playboy chose Lindsay Lohan to pose for the magazine. Lindsay Lohan isn't someone I find masturbation-worthy. What the fuck are all the men going to do when they buy the issue? Play dot-to-dot on Lindsay's face? The worst part about this story is that sister, Ali Lohan, and mother, Dina Lohan, were there to accompany fire crotch at the photo shoot. Some people invite their families to watch them act or sing. The Lohan's invite each other to watch them get naked. This is borderline creepy. We've all seen that photo of Lindsay and Dina making out. I can only imagine what thoughts were running through Dina's head as soon Lindsay got naked. One thing's for sure: Dina's going to enter the bathroom with a copy and come out smoking a cigarette.

Photo: Hollywood Tuna

Lo-Hands Up: Michael Lohan Gets Arrested Hours After Release

Michael Lohan is back in the news again. Apparently, he got arrested after his ex-girlfriend, Kate Major, called police regarding a domestic violence situation. Lohan was ordered not to communicate with Major in any way, however, 12 hours after being released he called her and police came after him. Lohan tried to escape the police after a dramatic chase. Lohan jumped from a 3 story balcony, hid in some bushes, then attempted to escape on foot. This guy needs to take Bruce Willis' spot on Die Hard. I don't know who can run away on foot after injuring his foot froma 34-foot jump, but I have two questions for Lohan. What was he on? And can I have some? The cops took Lohan to the hospital to monitor his injured foot before throwing him back in jail. Sadly, this isn't the first domestic violence issue Lohan has had with Major. I don't know who's dumber. Major for giving Lohan another chance or me for giving a shit about this story.

Photo: Pop on the Pop

In The Ass: Man Has Sex With Donkey, Thought It Was A Woman

A man in Zimbabwe has made a laughing stock out of himself after he told a court he had no idea he had sex with a donkey because he thought it was a woman. He says, "I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid $20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey." I don't know who to feel sorry for. The prostitute who only got $20 for having sex with a man or the donkey who got paid nothing to have sex with the man. Police found the man having sex with the donkey in his front yard around 4am with the donkey tied around the neck to a tree and lying on the ground. It sounds like the donkey didn't have anything against it, so what's the problem? 

Photo: I Chabod The Glory Has Departed

Pullin' My Lego: 8-Foot 100-lb Lego Man Washed Ashore

The Sarasota County Sherriff's Office has custody of a lego man weighing one hundred pounds and sizing around eight feet tall. This seems like a very unhealthy man according to the BMI chart. Jeff Hindman was walking along Siesta Key Beach just before dawn when he spotted the figure and dragged it to shore. The phrase on the figures shirt reads, "No real than you are" and will be given to Hindman unless someone claims the lego man before 90 days. A spokewoman for legoland says the piece is counterfeit and was not authorized to be made by Legoland or its parent company, Merlin Entertainments Group. Hindman says if he gets to keep the piece he is going to sell it on eBay. This isn't the first lego man that's been washed ashore either. In 2007 one washed up a beach in Holland and in 2008 another one washed up in England. The only person left to ask around for answers are those pirate legos. God, those pirate legos were so annoying. The only thing worse than being a pirate as a lego is being a pirate on that stupid Johnny Depp movie.

Photo: New York Post

PETA'd Off: PETA Goes Against The Movie 'We Bought A Zoo'

PETA is complaining about We Bought A Zoo, a movie starring Matt Damon and Scarlett Johanson about a couple who have no experience with zoo animals yet still manage to improve a zoo they bought. The vice president of this stupid organization, Lisa Lange, says it's sending out the wrong message. She says, "We Bought a Zoo conveys the misleading and downright dangerous message that no special knowledge—just a lot of heart—is needed to run a zoo." We fucking know that. It's a god damn fiction movie. Lisa Lame then mentions the tragedy about the exotic animals in Ohio and stresses that animals have special needs. Everyone has special needs, Lisa. It's called eating, sleeping, and going number two in peace. This lady is so stupid. People watch movies all the time and hardly expect things to happen that way in real life. You don't see people living life through song and dance after watching Glee, do you? PETA is always complaining. I believe in animal rights and the fight to make them equal, but come on. Cut the fuckin' umbilical cord.

Photo: The Hollywood Reporter

Man Vs. Machine: Robot Beats Human Rubik's Cube Record

A machine called the CubeStormer II holds the world record of solving a Rubik's Cube in 5.35 seconds, beating the human record of 5.66. I don't know who solved a Rubik's cube in 5.66 seconds, but this is what you get for wasting your god damn time on something that will get you nowhere in life. The machine is built with Legos and is powered with an Android smartphone. After the unsolved cube is placed in the machine's harness, an application on the phone will take a picture, solve the puzzle, and send the answer to the machine. I would really like this phone app if it could solve the puzzle "What happened last night?" This doesn't really surprise me because this has been happening for a long time now. Machines are always doing things better. Librarians are being replaced by Google, the mail man is being replaced by email, and girlfriends are being replaced by Wiis. Girls are just pissed because men finally found a replacement after they replaced their boyfriends with vibrators.

Video: Techna Bob

Gramma's Deal: Woman Accidentally Calls Cops For Drug Deal

A 61-year-old woman in Mississippi is being charged with possession and intent to distribute after she mistakenly called a detective of the Street Team Task Force. The detective answered his cell phone, but took the calls as a joke. The police said, "In initial calls, she wanted to sell some pills. He blew her off, and evidently she didn't like being ignored, so she started sending a series of text messages. That's when we kind of took it seriously." Police managed to set up a meeting and found the lady with a marijuana pipe and 30 hydrocodone tablets, which for those of you who don't know is about the amount of Charlie Sheen's breakfast. 

This lady is so stupid for calling and texting someone on a crime prevention team. If the first guy says, "Hello? Oh, hi. No, I'm sorry. I don't want any drugs from you. Goodbye." You call someone else that says, "What up, bitch? Ah, you got some pills! What else you got? Thassit? Aite aite. Meet me at the park! Peace!"

Photo: The Heretik

Trailer Trash Barbie: Tattoeed Barbie Has Parents Outraged

Parents in New York City are complaining about the new Tokidoki Barbie that has tattoos on her chest, arms, and neck. By the way, Tokidoki means "sometimes" in Japanese so I'm assuming these barbies will sometimes have a show about their successful tattoo parlor or they'll sometimes be a mistress of what seems to be a successful marriage. Aside from the tattoos, the doll also has pink hair, sky-high stilettos, and a pet named Bastardino. Despite all of these precious characteristics, parents are mostly mad about the fact that the barbie has tattoos. One parent says, "Maybe if a little girl sees that she also wants a tattoo and I think it’s not good." Whoa whoa whoa. Calm the eff down. If a girl really wants a tattoo just giver her a temporary one. You act like she's going to go out and take your minivan out to the nearest tattoo store, get a tattoo on her lower back of Hello Kitty, and hide it from you until it's bath time. I can see sixteen-year-old girls doing that, but if they're playing with Barbies then they've got other issues on their hands. The thing that pisses me off the most is that there have been worse dolls out there. What about Pregnant Barbie? I'm sure you'd rather have a 7-year-old daughter with a tattoo than a baby. And what about those baby dolls that pee all over the place? They're trying to make all these dolls that play maternal roles like cooking and cleaning. Why can't they make dolls that actually do something useful? Like Bartender Barbie. 

Photo: Flickr

In Deep Shit: Robbers Get Caught When Police Find Their Feces

Two men in Sweden are being charged with several offenses after police caught them by extracting DNA from the feces they left on the scene of the crime. Aw shit! I'm guessing the thought of robbing someone's home was scaring the crap out of them. The pair broke into a farmer's home, tied him and stole his car, some tools, and $1500 worth of kronor, which is Swedish currency. The farmer was apparently a strawberry farmer, but thanks to the caca now he's a strawberry fondue farmer. I hope they didn't try to use the money as toilet paper. It's very unsanitary. The number one thing they did wrong actually happened to be number two.

Photo: News

Fun-Raising: Students Receive X-Rated Fundraiser Prizes

School administrators are trying to return x-rated prizes that were already given out to students over a fundraiser. Over 160 students received slap-on bracelets, which reveal pictures of nude women if parts of the bracelets are taken apart. Talk about putting the FUN in FUNDRAISING. School officials began receiving phone calls from parents about the bracelets, but could only retrieve a handful of the bracelets back. The school district spokesman isn't surprised that many of the students are keeping the bracelets. He says, "Curiosity is bound to get the best of some of them." Now, the underside of desks can be sticky from gum and something else...

Photo: Get Polished

Bad Sample: Jay-Z and Kanye West Sued For Copyright Infringement

Syl Johnson is suing Kanye West and Jay-Z for allegedly sampling music from the blues and soul singer slash producer. I don't know who the hell Syl is, but I'm guessing I'm too young to know what he's sang and probably too cool to listen to blues. Court papers say West was denied permission when he asked Syl if he could use his song for the My Dark Twisted Fantasy album. Now Jay-Z and West are being sued for using it on their Watch the Throne album. Apparently this isn't the first time Syl has sued someone for trying to steal his music. He's sued people like Kid Rock and Cypress Hill for similar reasons. I don't know why people can't just start accrediting people. How hard is it to write someone's name on the back of a fucking CD cover? I think the real person who should be mad here is Jay-Z because he copies one song and gets sued right away. Beyonce copies several choreography styles and doesn't get sued.

Photo: Killer Hip Hop

Food Fight: Wife Beats Husband With Cupcakes

A woman is being charged with a misdemeanor count of domestic battery after she threw a series of cupcakes at her husband late Saturday night in Cook County, Illinois. Maybe if they lived in Bake County they would have actually ate their cupcakes instead of throwing them at each other. Police received a call from the husband and when they arrived, they found the man covered in crumbs and frosting. This is like Mariah Carey's biggest fantasy. The officers said the wife was verbally abusive towards the office and the husband told them he was fearing for his safety. Why the fuck would he fear for his safety from cupcakes? Like he's afraid of calories or something. Who is this guy? Kate Moss?

Photo: Igaboo

Rated PG for Porno Graphic: Hackers Change Sesame Street Channel To Porn

The makers of Sesame Street have taken down their YouTube channel after hackers submitted pornographic content to it. The pornographic content was up and running for about 20 minutes while viewers were allowed to see an adult film titled First Anal Quest: Angelica. I can only imagine what that's about... The hackers replaced the Sesame Street logo with a banner that said, "It's where porn lives" and in the video description they wrote, "Who doesn't love porn, kids? Right! Everyone loves it." A YouTube user by the name of MrEdxwx is accused of being the hacker since he was on there before the channel was compromised. He uses his YouTube account to make video games and denies the allegations. He commented saying, "I did not hack Sesame Street. I work hard to make quality gameplay videos, and most important I respect the community guidelines." I would bet all of the money I don't have to say he is the hacker. Both hackers and video game nerds probably spend more time on computers than breathing. I feel like video games and hacking is pretty analogous to Catholic Latinas and getting pregnant. Either way, I think it's funny the porno focused mostly on anal sex. Now they know what Bert and Ernie are doing behind the scenes.

Photo: Muppet Wiki

Age Defiant: Actress Sues IMDB For Publishing Her Age

IMDB is being sued for $1 million for revealing an actress' age on the site. The actress, who wants to remain anonymous, is complaining because she claims it is harder for women over 40 to get a job in Hollywood where youth is king. Her lawyer says, "If one is perceived to be 'over-the-hill,' i.e. approaching 40, it is nearly impossible for an up-and-coming actress, such as the Plaintiff, to get work as she is thought to have less of an 'upside' therefore casting directors, producers, directors, agents/managers, etc. do not give her the same opportunities, regardless of her appearance and talent," She says at first she asked IMDB to remove her age from her profile but her request was denied. Now she is suing the web site for violation of privacy, fraud, and breach of contract.

That's bullshit. It doesn't matter how old you are. It matters hold you look. That's why plastic surgery is such a trend in Hollywood. Look at Joan Rivers. Everyone knows she's over 80 but she's had more needles on her face than someone at a Courtney Love concert. The women is said to be of Asian descent, which I believe is her biggest problem. The only famous Asian people are Lucy Lui and anyone who took part in a martial arts movie. Homegirl can either start taking Karate lessons be a stunt double for that girl on Glee.

Photo: City of Kik

No Boys Allowed: Selena Gomez Granted A Restraining Order

Selena Gomez has been granted a restraining order against a man with an alleged mental illness history. Court documents reveal Thomas Brodnicki had several visits with a psychiatrists where he admitted to having conversations with God about visiting Gomez's workplace and killing her. Brodnicki's confessions came up during a mental evaluation after he threatened to scratch people's eyes out. The police are treating the case very seriously and Gomez says she is in "extreme fear." I wonder what Justin Bieber had to say. He probably got a boner when Selena told him, "I found protection!"

Photo: Photobucket

Asleep On The Air-Mattress: Harry Belafonte Falls Asleep On The Air

Harry Belafonte scheduled an interview with K-BAK, a station in Bakersfield, Ca. only to fall asleep on the air. After hearing nothing but silence on the other end, the news anchor asked him to wake up and suggested that "maybe he's meditating." I've seen the video and it actually looks like he could be sleeping. Also, he is 80-years-old so maybe he forgot to take his morning nap. Belafonte's rep, Ken Sunshine, said that they were having technical difficulties with the audio and he couldn't hear anything from the studio. I've been around people who were meditating and it wasn't hard to get them out of their focus at all. It was actually a yoga class and I was distracting people with my farts caused by all the compromising stretches.

Video: The Hollywood Gossip

Joint Release: Soulja Boy Gets Locked Up While Movie Gets Released

Soulja Boy is in custody after being caught with a substantial amount of weed with five other homies he was riding with in Georgia early Tuesday morning. Soulja Boy was riding in a cadillac with four other men when they were stopped at a checkpoint. Along with the weed, officers found a large amount of cash and guns inside the car. Weed, guns, and a cadillac; it sounds like all the ingredients of my black phase. Soulja Boy and his army were also charged with an intent to sell the weed, which is pretty stupid because everyone knows rappers smoke hella weed. Right, Snoop Dogg? Also, the officers were not sure if anyone in the car had a license for the guns, but if they're with Soulja Boy, then probably not. Ironically, Soulja Boy got arrested on the same day his movie got released. I guess it's a documentary about his life, which is going to be an hour-and-a-half montage of him Superman-ing a bunch of hoes.

Photo: People

Bar Brawl, Eh?: Mr. LaBeouf Gets Into Bar Fights In Canada

A video has been released all over the internet of Shia LeBeouf getting into a street fight with, what appears to be, Zach Galifianakis' stunt double. An eyewitness told a Canadian radio station that the altercation began inside a bar where LaBeouf and fatty started arguing. Security officers kicked the two out and fat ass decided to pummel LaBeouf. Friends of the Transformers star pulled him away from the fight and convinced him to walk away. Apparently, this isn't the first time Shia has been in trouble with alcohol. He's had a DUI, a drunk episode at Walgreens, and other bar fights. This only proves my theory that once a Disney star, always a trainwreck. Britney Spears shaved her head, Lindsay Lohan gets more dates with a judge than the camera man of Judge Judy, and Miley Cyrus was born in Tennessee.

I feel like I'm writing a story about myself. I'm not the cleanest dish on the rack but, believe it or not, I've learned from a few of my mistakes. There's a pretty good chance that shit needs to change when you wake up every Sunday morning saying, "Has anyone seen my left shoe or my front teeth?" I'm talkin' to you Charlie Sheen.

Video: D Listed (Courtesy of TMZ)

Belt This Note: Whitney Kicked Off Flight For Not Fastening Seatbelt

Whitney Houston decided to misbehave again when she boarded a plane in Atlanta and refused to put her seatbelt on. After being asked several times by one crew member, Houston continued to say no until a second member got involved. The second crew member told her that if she didn't fasten her seatbelt she would be kicked off the flight and finally Houston obeyed. Her entourage claim that she was in a fussy mood because she had missed an earlier flight. They also claim that she had not ingested any drugs or alcohol, which I think is the real reason why she was throwing a little hissy fit. If the flight attendants really wanted her to put on her seatbelt, all they had to do was say, "Get ready Ms. Houston, we're going to get high." Or even better they could have told her that her meal comes with a complimentary Coke.

Photo: Fun To Be Bad

Lindsay-B-Gone: Lindsay Turned Away From The Women's Center

For those of you who like Lindsay Lohan, you might not want to read this because I have two stories about her that I need to share. First off, she's been allegedly rejected by The LA Women's Center as a channel to get her community service out of the way. According to TMZ, the red head gone blonde violated the rules by not missing 9 scheduled visits and would often leave after working her first hour. Her rep says, "Lindsay is now serving her community service at the Red Cross, and we're not providing any comment beyond that." I'm assuming that's because she probably got fired from the Women's Center in LA. I don't know why the rep couldn't just tell us that she got fired, as if that is something out of the ordinary for her. I don't think she should be working for the American Red Cross though. They're responsible for handling emergency situations and collecting lifesaving blood. The only person I can see her giving CPR to is a woman on a cigarette billboard.


The second story is about how Lindsay's been getting more negative attention from a recent picture taken of her on the red carpet in LA. If you look at the picture that People posted, you can see that her teeth are yellowing with a bit of red nail polish. It looks like the teeth match the carpet and the drapes. The story gets better when they get a comment from her rep. He says, "Lindsay is widely acknowledged as one of the most stunning actresses of her day, and we get requests every week wanting to do photo shoots with her from top photographers. She's been on the cover of Vanity Fair and the top beauty and fashion magazines. She's a beautiful and glamorous actress." Tom fuckin Cruise was on the cover of Vanity Fair and all he had to do was have a baby. If he can make the cover with wife Katie Holmes, then anybody with a vagina can. 

Photo: People Magazine

Bite Me: Old Lady Beats A Boy Who Bullied Her

A 70-year-old lady is being charged for child abuse for hitting a 14-year-old boy who she claimed bullied her. The surveillance video of the bus where the incident happened shows the old lady beating, biting, and wrestling the kid. According to the hag, she was fighting in self-defense because the boy had threatened her in the past. I wish I could see the video because it sounds like something that belongs on America's Funniest Videos. I don't know why the hell she was biting the kid. What the fuck is she? A zombie? I'm sure her bites couldn't be that bad as soon as her dentures fell out.

Photo: Blatantly Blunt

Blow The Cover: Designer Integrates Breathalyzer Into Jacket

There is a designer in New Zealand who has invented a jacket that has a breathalyzer made into a jacket. The wearer simply blows into a sensor on the collar and lights will shine on the forearm of the jacket. The brighter the shine, the more alcohol the sensor detects. The designer says the lights will only shine for about a minute to prevent the wearer from becoming a light show. His main aim is to decrease drinking and driving, something that is very prevalent in New Zealand. "The main aim of the breathalyser jacket is to provide the wearer with enough information regarding the amount alcohol on his/her breath to make a decision on whether driving is in fact a good idea." I love this idea. As an alcoholic and someone who doesn't have their license, I think drinking and driving should be prevented any way it can. However, I find two possible problems for this breathalyzer jacket. One, as soon as people start drinking their judgement goes out the window. Trust me, it happens every weekend when someone writes on my wall on Facebook asking, "Do you remember what you did last night?" I feel like there's gonna be a few people who will be like, "Well, it didn't shine that bright." Two, what the hell happens when the battery for that stupid light goes out. After seven cocktails, someones gonna blow into their collar and say, "I'm still not drunk?"

Photo: Technabob

Doggy Treat: Chef Says Dog Meat Is As Good As Pork

There's a chef by the name of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall who claims that eating cooked dog meat is no worse than eating pork and the only reason it's looked down upon is because humans see dogs as pets and not farm animals. Although he believes in the claim he has no intention of farming dogs. He said he would not eat a labrador unless he was about starve. However, whether he decides to practice it or not, the chef has been getting criticized for the claim. A Dogs Trust representative said, "We believe that the concept of breeding dogs for food in any conditions, high welfare or not, is wholly unacceptable. Dogs are companion animals and as man's best friend they provide immeasurable love, comfort and support to owners all over the world." Uuh... Not in Asia. I just wrote an article not too long ago mentioning dogs being a popular dish in Indonesia. They're probably listening to that chef and saying, "This is what we've been saying the whole time!"

Photo: Blogger

Ass-anine: Kim Kardashian Talks Regrets and Cooking

Kim Kardashian went on the Rachel Ray show to talk about her life so far with her hot new husband that I could sure climb all over. I understand that this is such a stupid story, but it's not my fault that everything that Kim Kardashian touches turns into annoying. When talking about her wedding, Kardashian tells Rachel Ray that she only had one regret: not being able to stand on a stool. The annoying celebrity is only 5'2 while her husband is a whopping 6'9, which also happens to be my two favorite numbers. Kim acts like she doesn't have a big ass. If she wanted to be taller, she should have thought things through and just laid on her stomach. She goes on to talk about cooking for her husband. She says, “I cooked this meal the other day … I’ve made it before, I don’t know what happened with me I just made it so bad and he ate the whole thing. I took one bite and spit it out. It was the worst meal! But I made up for it with other things I had made.” Yeah, like making him a celebrity. 

Photo: We Heart It

What An Ass: Diddy Publishes Book About Lady Butts

Diddy has collaborated with a photographer to publish a book about the female ba-donk-a-donk. I don't know why he couldn't just collaborate with a director and just make another music video. Same thing, right? The piece is titled Culo and has been released as a coffee table book. Now this only gives homeless men another reason to drop their pants at Starbucks. I'm hoping J. Lo isn't on there because I've already had enough of her ass. I don't know why Diddy had to collaborate with a fashion photographer to make a book about asses. He's a rapper. I'm sure all he needed to do was photoshop all of the pictures in his phone.

Photo: Bossip

No Moore Marriage?: Ashton's Mistress Speaks Out

Us Weekly interviewed Sara Leal, the woman who had an affair with Ashton Kutcher on the morning of his anniversary with Demi Moore, and unveils the details about the whole situation. Leal says Kutcher approached her and kissed her and soon after, both of them  along with another young woman went into a hot tub completely nude. Then, Leal and Kutcher went back to his hotel room where they had sex twice and she claims, "He was good." She says they didn't use a condom and after sex they talked about religion, love, and politics. Leal is a Lutheran from Texas and a Republican so unfortunately for Ashton it sounds like she might pro-life. I don't know if I want to believe this. One, this interview came from Us Weekly and, two, the hot tub and fornication all sounds like something out of Two and a Half Men. If he was so good at sex, then Demi would probably be giving it up to him all the time. I have a feeling she's not giving it to him because he's not performing as well anymore. Leal also said that Kutcher likes situations like these because he's "an actor 90 percent of the time and it's fake." Just like Demi's orgasms.

Photo: Bongo News

Secrets For Marriage: Relationship Book Says Vacations, Secrets, and Cheating Maintain Marriage

Iris Krasnow has written a book based off of hundreds of wives she's interviewed and concludes the key to marriage is making out with exes, keeping secrets, and separate vacations, among other things. She says that each marriage has its own set of rules catering to the needs of each person in the relationship. Krasnow believes the only things that a marriage needs are trust, respect, emotional and sexual intimacy, friendship, and flexibility. I don't know how there can be trust if women are just cheating on their husbands all the time. And how can their be intimacy if women are keeping all of these secrets all the time? The book also encouraged women to marry Mr. Predictable and make out with your exes so I'm guess the title How To Keep Your Rich Husband and Still Have Fun was taken. If I was keeping secrets, having separate vacations, making out with my exes all the time, do you know what that would make me? Single! This is exactly why I don't believe in marriage. If you're not happy spreading your legs to just one person, then spread 'em further to let more people in. I'm an independent woman and I would never sleep around behind my husband's back to be happy. I'd rather be a slut with multiple men to gather different resources. 

Photo: Nairaland

Monkey See, Monkey Steals: Beyonce Accused Of Copying... Again

For the third time in her career, Beyonce is getting a lot of negative attention for being a part of a production that has very close similarities to a previous production. First, her "Single Ladies" music video, then her "Girls" live performance, and now for her music video for the single "Countdown." I think now would be a good time to fire your choreographer, Beyonce. The video seems to mirror lots of movements from a Belgian choreographer named Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker. The director of the music videos said “I brought Beyoncé a number of references and we picked some out together. Most were German modern-dance references, believe it or not. But it really evolved.” German, Belgian. Same thing. The director also says the video paid homage to Audrey Hepburn and The Supremes. If that's the case, then I've been paid a lot of homage to a lot of students who sat next to me in History class during high school. Check out the video and tell me what you think. 

Video: YouTube

Punched In The Facebook: Man Hits Wife For Not 'Liking' His Post

A man in Texas is pleading not guilty for the battery charges against him for hitting his wife when he noticed she didn't make a response to one of his Facebook posts. The guy posted a status about the anniversary of the death of his mother and was offended when other people were responding to his post, except his wife. He was dropping off their kids at the woman's home in New Mexico when he decided to confront her. He told her, "That's amazing everyone 'Likes' my status but you, you're my wife. You should be the first one to 'Like' my status." Then, he slapped her across the face and pulled her hair. Authorities confirmed that he was intoxicated at the time so that must have been one hell of a drive for those kids they have. I can't imagine what they've gone through. My dad has driven me and my brother home while under the influence of alcohol. He almost hit a mailbox and told it to get out of his way. Then he threw up on my lap and said, "Well, you shouldn't have been in the way then."

Photo: Simply Zesty

Boring-Anaz: David Boreanaz Says Cheating Made Him Stronger

David Boreanaz, formerly known as Angel and currently known as Bones, tells TV Week that having an affair with Rachel Uchitel made his relationship with his wife, Jamie Bergman, stronger. Although he says the marriage has had its ups and downs just like any relationship it was a way for them to get closer. He says, ""In a sacred ground like marriage, you find yourself out of it at certain times for reasons unknown that can be destructive. There could be a demon that kind of comes out and overtakes you." That's so romantic. Nothing's better than when a guy tells you, "I've cheated on you. Now I've made sure that no one gives me better sex than you do. Boreanaz also says, "Do I believe in giving up? No, I don't. I'm a fighter. I'm a lover." It's so easy not to believe in giving up when you're cheating.

Photo: Twirl It

Don't Be Frank: On-Looker Throws A Hot Dog At Tiger Woods

A man was arrested for throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods while he was getting ready to put on the seventh green on Sunday. Unfortunately, the culprit missed by a long shot or else Tiger would finally know how Rachel Uchitel felt. Shortly after the guy threw the hot dog, he got down on his knees and put his hands behind his back. Obviously, he was expecting to get a wiener in return. Woods laughed it off and continued playing the match, in which he didn't win. I hate it when people waste food. Everyone knows that food at sporting events are not cheap. If I was at the tournament, I would have made sure to have eaten that hot dog when no one was looking.

Photo: Opera

Milking It: Scientist Makes Clothes Out Of Milk

Anke Domaske is a scientist in Germany who has figured out a way to make clothing out of milk. She mixes powdered milk with other ingredients that forms a specific material to weave it into clothing. She plans on presenting it to the fashion industry and calling her clothing line QMilch. She says, "The milk fabric even has proteins in the powder to keep your skin in great condition." She's not a very smart scientist if she can't spell milk. However, this would be a great dress for Lady GaGa so she has something to wash down her meat dress. I just hope she's not lactose intolerant because then she'll have to wear another dress made out of Pepto Bismol. How the hell would you even wash these clothes made of powdered milk? I'd be pissed if it was laundry day and found out my my washer soiled my clothes in whole milk. In fact, I'd have a cow. She better be making jackets so people don't freeze and turn into milk shakes.

Photo: Ecouterre

I Diddy Mean To Hurt You: Didd Apologizes For His Explosion

P. Diddy or Diddy or whatever he wants to call himself took to Twitter to apologize about a recent outrage he had at a nightclub. He was attending a BET Hip Hop Awards afterparty and became aggressively angry when he saw a patron drinking Grey Goose when the Hip Hopper is known for promoting Ciroc Vodka. Diddy threatened to get violent and yelled a series of racial and homophobic expletives. I'm sure you guys can use your imaginations to figure out what he said. If not, the words rhyme with Trigga and Bob Saget. 

T.I., who was right beside Diddy through the whole altercation, was trying to calm him down and get him out of the situation. He tells The Hollywood Gossip that, "Put that shit down... put that shit down before I come smack that purple shirt off your ass." That's when T.I. tried to reason with Diddy telling him, "Let them niggas drink what the fuck they want man. I love you nigga ... you know I will go to war with you, but come on man ... let's go."

I love black people. I love their energy especially when they're the only ones laughing at me when I do stand-up. But at the same time, some of them can get real crazy if you piss them off. Trust me, I've dated plenty of them to know you shouldn't call them by a different name in bed. It's not pretty. 

Photo: Eurweb

Feel The Beat: Comedy Club Owner Suing 'Glee' For Stealing Its Name

Mark Tughan of the UK who is suing Twentieth Century Fox for infringing on the trademark of a comedy club that he owns called The Glee Club. He claims ever since the show has aired he's had trouble opening up new clubs and some of the newly opened clubs have had low quality performances. “There is significant and mounting evidence that there is confusion in the minds of the public, that we are somehow associated with or connected to the TV show and that we might provide an entertainment experience of that nature," says Tughan. Fox hasn't made a statement about the lawsuit, but that's probably because they're like me and think the whole situation is absurd. First of all, the only reason Tughan can't open a new club is because his show sucks. Second, the reason why you've been confused for the TV show is probably because people don't wanna get dressed and pay for a show to see people turn everyday life into a sing-along when they can just stay in their pajamas and do it at home for free.

Photo: Babble

Wiggin' Out: Six Men In Blonde Wig Fight At A Bar

Police are searching for a group of blokes who walked into a pub and started a brawl. It all started when a local smashed a chair over one of the drag queen's head, causing the mob scene to begin. Good thing it wasn't one of the drag queens who started the fight because that's not ladylike at all. The men were wearing crop tops, puffy mini-skirts, and blonde pigtail wigs. I don't know why these men decided to dress up, but my guess is they either wanted Halloween to come early or Lady GaGa finally found a gym buddy. Both groups were able to flee the scene before police arrived and the search is being a lot harder than expected. Police thought it would be easier to recognize these drag queens, but I guess not. They probably kept on running into Dog the Bounty Hunter too many times.

Photo: Cleveland and Leader

Bingotox: Casino Offers Plastic Surgery Jackpot

The Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, New Jersey is starting a Nip, Tuck, and Lift Sweepstakes contest where one lucky winner can score $25,000 in plastic surgery. This is totally right up Joan Rivers' alley. The rep for the casino said they wanted to change their marketing scheme knowing that people always want something to change about their body. "Many people have something they want to change; a nip and tuck here, a lift there, but the cost of these procedures can be quite costly," says the rep. I may not be the prettiest picture in the art gallery, but I must say that I'm fine with my body shape. Yeah, I get fatter on the weekends, but that's nothing a little ecstasy can't fix. The thing that I don't understand about the contest is that it's money for going under the knife, but the prize will be awarded in cash. One lucky winner can spend it all on liposuction or they can lose it all the next day at a the craps table.

Photo: Woman And Life

KISS The Bride: Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed Marry

KISS bassist Gene Simmons and former Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed have finally tied the knot after being together for 28 years. I don't know what the fuck took so long, but I guess the 27th year was too soon to say, "I do." The two got married at the Beverly Hills Hotel and had over 400 guests, including Hugh "Bathrobe" Hefner, Bill Maher, and the KISS band. The son of the couple, Nick, made all of the wedding invitations, which means they probably didn't have much money and the daughter, Sophie, was the maid of honor, which means Shannon doesn't have any friends. In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Simmons said, "It is time for me to grow up. I'm 62. I've been doing a lot of wacky stuff for an awfully long time…and there's nobody I've ever said 'I love you' to, I do. I even find it difficult to say 'I love you' to my mother. But I love Shannon with all my heart and all my soul, and always will." That's not really saying much. The only reason he doesn't love his mother so much is because she never posed nude for a men's magazine.

Photo: Reality TV Magazine

Branded: Russell Brand Is Not Allowed In Canada

Canada has deported Russell Brand after flying there for a performance in Ontario. Some are saying that it may be due to his criminal record and drug history. Brand took to twitter to express his feelings about getting deported by saying, “Tonight’s Casino Rama show postponed. I’m sorry. I can’t enter Canada. We must abolish the borders between our nations AND our minds.” He didn't have to get so philosophical about it. A simple, "I got deported for being a criminal" would've done the trick. However, I have to say I'm on Brand's side on this one. I think borders are useless because stupid people come to our country all of the time. I think it's only fair that Canada let stupid people into theirs. They gave us Mike Myers and Celine Dion, so I think they deserve a Russell Brand or two. 

Photo: Celebrity Folk

XXL Smarty Pants: Fat Women Are Smarter And Make Smarter Babies

Evolution and Human Behavior published a study that concluded that heavier women with more fat in their lower body have higher neurological function. The scientists measured a group of women's waist-to-hip ratios and correlated them with their cognitive function and found that the lower the ratio, the more the intelligence. I don't exactly know how they did everything, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this report is inaccurate. According to this, Jessica Simpson is one of the most intelligent celebrities in Hollywood. This doesn't explain why so many skinny Asians are good at math nor does it explain why there are so little fat black asses at my school.

Photo: Apocalypzia

Dinner For Two: Jessica Simpson is Pregnant

According to In Touch, a source close to Jessica Simpson has revealed that the singer is pregnant. Some people are saying her fiance Eric Johnson deliberately impregnated her as a gold-digging motive. Either way, I could have sworn that Jessica Simpson has been pregnant for the longest time. The source claims that Simpson has already had strange cravings, such as chips dipped in chocolate and non-alcoholic margaritas. Those are some pretty weird cravings. Why the fuck wouldn't she put alcohol in her margarita? I wonder if she even knows that she's pregnant. If she is pregnant, she's due in the spring time, so I'm assuming next summer we can catch a hilarious episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: Celebrity Edition.

Photo: Ology