Domino-No: Lady Crashes Into A Domino's Store

A lady in New York drove into a Domino's pizza on Thursday while several people were inside, but no one was hurt. The 24-year-old woman was driving an SUV and luckily the patrons and employees inside managed to jump out of the way. I didn't know Spider Man worked at Domino's. The lady claims that she ran into the store because she had mistaken the accelerator for the brake. Who the hell gave her a driver's license? China? If you look at the video you'll see that went all the way through the glass door and even past the front counter. At what point do you realize that the gas isn't the break? What the fuck was going through her head? Was she thinking, "I'm sure I'll end up on a road eventually, right?" The best part of the article is that it says authorities don't know if they should issue her a ticket. A ticket?! How about giving her something she does need! Like some glasses!

Source: WTSP
Video: WTSP

Karate Pig: Dog Owner Runs Into A Kung Fu Guinea Pig

A woman in Slovakia was walking her two dogs to the park and they encountered a kung-fu guinea pig. The dogs noticed the rodent in the grass and approached it out of curiosity but the guinea pig scared them off with multiple spinning kicks and leaps. Clearly this guinea pig has seen Karate Kid too many times. The owner of the dogs said, "Bona started barking and Meggie wanted to sniff it. "I guess it got pretty scared although both dogs are harmless and just wanted to play. But then they got pretty scared when the guinea pig started its kung fu chops." Obviously these dogs are both female dogs because they sound like little bitches. A local wildlife expert says it's probably a runaway or an abandoned house pet. I say this guinea pig needs a horse tranquilizer to calm the eff down. Another wildlife expert said, " It's not the first time we've heard of this. These creatures are usually docile family pets but when they feel threatened they will fight for their lives like any animal that thinks it's been cornered." I understand the self-defense but that doesn't explain why this guinea pig has a black belt. Who the fuck is its owner? Chuck Norris?

Source: WTF News

Photo: Triple M

Elec-Tricks: Researchers Predict Brothels Will Have Robot Sex Workers

Researchers in New Zealand predict that brothels will have robotic prostitutes that will offer clean, guilt-free sex. Isn't that what vibrators and flesh lights are for? The research was done from two students who had to do a thesis on what the sex industry will be like in the year 2050. The report theorized that each brothel will have several blonde and brunette robots, of different races, body types, speaking different languages and offering several different sexual features. I like how they didn't include redhead robots as if they're going to be extinct by the year 2050. The robots would be made of a bacteria-resistant fiber to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and would help put an end to prostitution and human trafficking. So this is good news for men who are getting sick of receiving a blow job with a condom on, but this is bad news for Republicans looking for sex in an airport bathroom. In turn, this would also gain a new respectability for prostitution and men won't feel guilty having sex with a robot if they are in an exclusive relationship. In the end, these robots would become so human-like that humans will end up having sex, falling in love, and maybe even marrying them, the report theorizes.

I for one think this is both a good and bad thing. This is good for the people who can't get anybody in their life to have sex with them or even sit down to have a conversation with them because they're just weird or don't know how to brush their teeth. But what the hell will it be like to break up with a robot? I mean if these robots are going to have emotions, then not only would I not be interested in them in the first place, but I feel like they might get so mad that they'll self-destruct or electrocute you the next time you try to have sex with it. Either way, I feel like people are already having sex with machines. They're called vacuums.

Source: The Herald Sun
Photo: Coed Magazine

Fucking, Austria

There is a city in Austria that is fed up with their town name and resident's are contemplating on changing it. The town is called Fucking. I wish I was kidding about Fucking, but I'm not. Fucking has been a victim of mockery from stolen signs to prank calls. The Fucking locals are fed up with the mockery as it has been nothing but insulting and irritating to all of them. The Fucking mayor says, "The only problem is that we need all of the Fucking residents to agree to the name change. Everyone needs to agree for it to happen." The town received its name from a nobleman named Focko in the 6th century and the spelling was modernized when the 18th century came around. In 2005, the Fucking residents tried to change the name of the town, but there were too many who voted against it.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Wikipedia

There's a hotel in France that allows residents to live the life of a hamster. Residents can check into the hotel, which offers cages as room, haystacks as beds, and a human-sized running wheel. For food, the guests can eat organic hamster grains and get down on their hands and knees to sip water from a spout. The owner of the hotel says the purpose is to help people fulfill a lifelong dream. "The hamster in the world of children is that little cuddly animal. Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small." I would never want to be a hamster. I've never wanted nor had one as a pet when I was younger so I find this hotel to be absolutely ridiculous. The only thing that I'd want to do as a hamster is shit little round balls all over my room so i can later throw them at people who piss me off or don't give me what I want. However, I have had a dog when I was younger and I guess I am trying to be a dog now that I'm older. I just can't stop being a bitch.

Source: Huffington Post

Photo: Telegraph

Sex Nazi: German Woman Arrested For Forcing Man To Do Her Several Times

A woman in Germany has been arrested for sexual assault and illegal restraint after she forced a man to have sex with her several times and still refusing to let him leave. They met at a bar and she took him back to her apartment so she can ride his little frankfurter. Turns out she wanted more than just a little taste of his chicken schnitzel because on several occasions he tried to leave but she kept wanting more. Either this guy is really good at sex or this lady is a real sex Nazi. The guy continued to put his German sausage in her two little hamburg buns because he felt that if he obeyed her orders a few more times he could finally leave. However, she continued to demand more sex so he fled to the balcony and called the police for help. When the police arrived they arrested on the spot and the lady tried to get the officers to penetrate her, but was not successful. I don't see what this lady did wrong. She's a perfectly normal human being trying to satisfy a perfectly normal desire to get double-teamed by a couple of cops. I'd be lying if I said I haven't fantasized about it either but when the going gets tough, the tough gets a dildo.

Source: Telegraph
Photo: Loving You Archive

Step On The Grass: Study Shows Weed Smokers Are Safer Drivers

4autoinsurancequote.org has noticed a correlation between marijuana users and safe driving. The study shows that those driving while under the influence of marijuana will drive slower, which in turn makes them drive safer. There was also another study that showed a drop in traffic accidents in states that legalized marijuana, California being one of them. That study says that most people who are high on marijuana feel that they are going 80 miles per hour when they are actually going 30 miles per hour, while alcohol has the inverse effect. So now if they pull Snoop Dogg over, its obvious that the cops are racist. I don't know why the article says it's safe for drivers to go at 30 miles per hour. 30 miles per hour is too slow. I don't have my license, but I know that if I was high and driving, I would be going a lot faster than 30 miles per hour because I'm probably in a hurry to get to the nearest Taco Bell.

Source: SF Gate
Photo: Toke of the Town

Please Don't Stop The Music: Mom Bites Daughter For Stopping Rihanna CD

Robyn Harr of Florida is under arrest for battery domestic violence after she bit her daughter for removing a Rihanna CD from the CD player. That's when the mom yelled, "Please Don't Stop The Music!" The 17-year-old girl says her mother was drunk and verbally abusive the whole day. That's what you get for being a daughter in Florida. The mother was also playing loud music all day and refused to lower the volume. When the daughter removed the CD from the CD player, her mother bit her on the leg. Harr claims her daughter attacked her first, but investigators say the leg bit appeared inconsistent with the daughter biting the mother. Obviously these investigators haven't seen the bite marks that Chris Brown gave Rihanna. The article also mentions a quote from Harr's mother saying she has a drinking problem and needs to get help. This girl sounds like a lot of fun if you ask me. I don't think she should be a parent, but that's something that her and I have in common. I'd love to have her over my house. We can play Rihanna songs all night, guzzle down a cheap bottle of rum, have sex, and regret it all in the morning. 

Source: TC Palm

Photo: Daily Mail

Super Felon Sweep: Man Commits 11 Felonies in 9 Hours

William Todd was taking a road trip somewhere and had a layover in Nashville where he managed to commit 11 felonies in 9 hours. Around 3am he broke into a local business where he stole a Taser, a revolver, and a shotgun.  Next, he shot the place up, stole a t-shirt, and lit the place on fire. God forbid, he leaves the place without a t-shirt. From there he held four people at gunpoint, pistol whipped one of them, Tased another one, and stole all of their money and credit cards. Then, he stole a taxi cab and spent the money he just stole at a downtown Wal-Mart. For those of you who don't know Wal-Mart is like the fucking Saks Fifth Avenue of the Midwest.

After that, things began to get gross. He broke into a law office, ransacked it, and took a dump on a desk, using law degrees as toilet paper. Next, he went to the hotel next door where he went door to door pretending to be a female housekeeper. Finally, after a Canadian couple answered him, he robbed them of $600 and he left to another room to go shave his head completely.

From there, he escaped with the stolen cab but crashed into a parking garage. However, he managed to steal another one after he threatened a driver with a knife and kicked him out. Next, he drove to the mall where he tried to hide in a vat of water, but cops were able to find him and arrested him on the spot.

I'm pretty sure someone needs to give him a Guinness World Record. 11 felonies in 9 hours is something that takes a lot of time and cocaine. I expect this from Florida, but this guy is actually a wanted man in Kentucky. However, this guy should of went somewhere besides a shopping mall or a law office. He should've went to a place where the police can't catch him. Like Mexico.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Daily Mail

Pissed Off: Man Arrested For Peeing On His Coworkers' Seats

A man in Iowa is under arrest for peeing on the seats of his female coworkers for the past five months. He would select his victims by going through the database of worker profiles and choosing the attractive ones only. Then, he would go into the workplace outside of the hours of operation and pee all over the seats. After several complaints were made, the company set up surveillance cameras and caught the man yellow-handed. The damage to the chairs amounted to around $4,500. First of all, this is fucking gross. Now these ladies have to start using toilet seat covers in the bathroom AND at their desk. Second, what the hell kind of chairs are these people sitting on that damage amounts to $4,500? A chair with that kind of price better give me back rubs and make me food during my meal break.

Source: Huffingto Post
Photo: Huffington Post

In Heat: Girl Slaps Boyfriend For Not Having Sex With Her

A woman in Florida is under arrest for punching her boyfriend in the face because he would not have sex with her. The woman's father heard something in the house they all live in and when he went to go check out what was wrong he found his daughter repeatedly slapping her boyfriend in the face. The father called the cops and the boyfriend told officers that the fight started when he called his girlfriend ugly and refused to sleep with her. The girlfriend claims that the man slapped and choked her first, but cops didn't believe her because her story changed several times. This girl is retarded. She needs to invest in a vibrator, or at least a decent-sized zucchini. She could have easily walked down the street to the nearest 7-11 and bought a couple bananas AND eat them when no one is looking. However, I don't know who's more stupid: the girl for wasting her time fighting a guy who won't have sex with her or the guy for dating someone who he knows is ugly.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Daily Mail

Flappin' Gums: Lady Tries To Hide Drugs In Her Dentures

Theres DeMarco of Florida is under arrest for possession of a controlled substance and tampering with evidence after a cop found her trying to hide drugs in her dentures. She was originally pulled over for having a loud muffler for which she received a written warning. According to the office, DeMarco and her passenger, Mary E. Winchell, seemed very nervous so he decided to search the car. I'm sure they weren't nervous, but just high on crack. While the officer was searching the car, DeMarco kept walking away from the car to throw crack in the grass and wedge other drugs inside her dentures. Finally, the officer found a pain killer pill in the passenger's seat and arrested Winchell on the spot. Being the good friend that she is, Winchell then decided to tell the officer that DeMarco was throwing crack away in the grass and hiding drugs in her fake teeth. DeMarco was then confronted by the officer so she decided to swallow the pills she had in her mouth. I like the way this woman thinks. She's basically saying if I'm going to jail, I might as well have a damn good time getting there. However, she is 56, so I'm sure swallowing pills is how she lost her teeth in the first place.

Source: Bradenton
Photo: NLM-NIH

Baby Hand Bag: Woman Caught Driving With Newborn In Her Purse

A lady in the US Virgin Islands is under arrest after a police officer pulled her over and found a newborn zipped up in her purse in the passenger's seat. After pulling her over, the officer asked for the woman's license and heard a baby crying but didn't see a baby. That's when the officer searched the car and found the baby after he unzipped the purse. The lady says she was driving the baby girl to a doctor because she hadn't received prenatal care and was only born a week ago. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to have a baby. You have to drive it to the hospital all the time. You can't drink while you're pregnant. You can't take them to the bar until they get a fake I.D. And now you can't put them in your purse? Honestly, I didn't see anything wrong with what this lady was doing with this baby until I finally realized, she could have just put the baby in the trunk.

Source: WTF News
Photo: Aisha Music

McDouble Trouble: Lady Sells Her Body For Two Cheeseburgers

A woman in Florida is under arrest for attempting to prostitute herself for two McDoubles and $40 as a tip. An undercover cop invited the woman into his car and she told him that the fee for her sexual favors was two McDoubles. Obviously this lady is smart because she knows that McDoubles are the same thing as double cheese burgers, except they only cost a dollar. Sounds like she received a mighty fine education. You go, girl. The cop purchased the two burgers, which came out to $2.75 and parked in a vacant lot to meet up with the alleged prostitute. As soon as she arrived to the car, cops arrested her on charges of prostitution. However, the article never mentioned who got to eat the two McDoubles. Here's the deal: you have a lady selling sex for less than three bucks. That's like the dollar menu of prostitutes. How fugly do you have to be to charge $2.75 for a sexual favor. I would have at least thrown in some fries and since it's McDonald's a McFlurry wouldn't really hurt anybody either. What a McDumbass.

Photo: Word Press
Source: Huffington Post

Junk In The Trunk: Women Arrested For Giving Illegal Butt Injections

Kimberly Smedley from Georgia is under arrest for giving illegal butt injections to clients all over the East Coast. She had clients in Baltimore, D.C., Detroit, Philadelphia and New York City who paid around $1600 for the toxic silicone injections. She would inject her clients with substances that were used for metal or plastic lubrication, furniture or automotive polishes, or an additive for paint and coatings. She even hired someone as a security guard to make sure the coast is clear while Smedley would perform the procedure in a hotel room. The procedure involved her injecting a client's butt ten times with what she claimed to be "medical-grade silicone." Then she would plug the holes with cotton balls and super glue. I can sit her and talk about how stupid this lady is for injecting people with lube and paint coating, but even stupider are the clients she had. At what point are these people not realizing that something isn't right here? The part when she told you to meet you at Motel 6? Or the part where she stopped the bleeding with Elmer's glue? And how the fuck did they find out about this lady in the first place? Craigslist? The Pennysaver? I can't say I blame these ladies for wanting cheap butt implants. I want a bigger ass just as much as the next bottom, but I've come to learn that if it sounds to good to be true, it probably is. Unfortunately I found that out after I got my sex change. 

Source: Huffington Post

Photo: Huffington Post

Paulie Wants A Cracked Head: Owner Hopes Thieves Are Annoyed With Stolen Parrot

A man in England hopes the thieves who stole his parrot will return it from being annoyed by her singing songs from the band Queen. Not only did the thieves steal the guy's parrot, but they stole his Playstation 3, as well. The owner, Malcolm Booth, doesn't really care about the Playstation 3, but he just wants his bird back because it was like family to him. Booth is almost positive they will get sick of Chico singing songs, like "Bohemian Rhapsody," "We Are The Champions," and "Killer Queen." He says, "I'm a great fan of Queen and am used to Chico squawking and whistling their tunes but I'm not sure its everyone's cup of tea. I don't think the people who have her will appreciate her squawking 'Scaramouche', 'Galileo' and 'I'm just a poor boy' at them all the time. In fact I think it will drive them up the wall." I have two things to say. One, why is the parrot's name Chico if she's a girl? And two, I don't know about the thieves, but if I was annoyed with a parrot reciting Queen lyrics, I would beat the shit out of it. If I stole a parrot, it better hope that it can recite Kathy Griffin's stand up shows. I can't stand birds. They wake me up in the morning, they take a dump on me, and one of them even swooped towards me and hit me in the head. Lucky for it, I didn't have a shotgun. Lucky for me, I had breadcrumbs. Dipped in bleach. 

Source: UPI

Photo: Pawn Nation

Sausage Party: Woman Attacks Man For Lack of Sausages at 7-11

A woman has been arrested for losing her mind at a 7-11 after she found out that there were no fully heated hot dogs available. The officer who arrested her said he arrived to the woman throwing an item at the store clerk and attempted to climb over the counter. When the officer entered the store, he arrested her on the spot and put her in the back of the police car where she tried to kick the windows open. The cop decided to pepper spray so that she would become more submissive. I don't think I have to tell you guys that she was drunk, but the officer said her speech was slurred, her eyes were bloodshot, and she smelled like alcohol. If she didn't smell like alcohol, then the other two symptoms would have meant that she was high on marijuana. I don't really know what's wrong with this lady. Everyone knows that when you're drunk and hungry, the best place to go is Taco Bell.

Source: NJ
Photo: The Inquisitr

Serenity Is Key: Man Rages Over Losing House Keys

A man in New Zealand is under arrest after throwing a rampage which resulted from him not being able to find his house keys. It started off with him smashing windows and yelling abusive things. From there, he went to his mother's house where he started strangling the family's pet goat and smashed his head into a wall. Although the goat didn't suffer any major harm, there was no word as to whether the wall is okay or not. After the goat, the guy went after his sister by throwing a glass at her and punching her. His grandmother tried to get him to stop by spraying oven cleaner on him. That's when the cops came and arrested him and asked him why he smelled so good. Just kidding. But seriously, he's arrested. Obviously this guy has some issues going on inside of his head. If I lost my house keys, I would have at least punched my grandmother, too.

Source: Big Pond News
Photo: Big Pond News

Pregnancy Is The New STI: Men Can Have Pregnancy Symptoms

I was reading an article on OMG Facts and found out that men can go through Sympathetic Pregnancy Syndrome, where they experience the same symptoms of pregnancy while their partner is pregnant. I don't know why they call it Sympathetic Pregnancy Syndrome. They should call it Aaw-Son-of-a-Bitch Syndrome. It typically happens when the woman is in her third month and as her symptoms worsen, so does the male's. Symptoms include: weight gain, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and even morning sickness. I've never had a pregnant partner, but I have had all these symptoms before. It's called a hangover. 

Source: OMG Facts

Photo: The Beauty Brains

Private Parts: Counselor Convicted of Molestation In Children's Home

Victor Salazar of Santa Ana is convicted of molesting children between the ages of 14 and 15 at the children's home where he worked. This is probably the fifth article I've read about a counselor molesting children so apparently counselors are the new Catholic priests. The Florence Crittenden Home, which is in Fullerton, caters to children who have parents outside of the country either because they came to the U.S. alone or their parents were deported. So right after they lose their parents, the children can lose their virginity, too. Salazar molested three boys in his office where they were able to call their parents in South America. Officials say Salazar assaulted them while they were on the phone. That is so sad. These kids can't even talk to their parents without getting poked in the face.

Source: LA Times
Photo: OC Register