Cry Me A River: Joan Rivers Complains About 'Dancing With the Stars'

Joan Rivers loves to bitch. She is the host of some fashion show where she bitches about how bad people look. She's always getting plastic surgery on her 90-year-old face, so I'm assuming she bitches about that all day, too. Now she's bitching about how she wants to compete with Dancing With the Stars but ABC hasn't given her an invitation. "They've never asked me, so they can go f--k themselves!" What a way to win them over... However, she says she doesn't want to do it because she thinks she's good at dancing. I couldn't agree more. "I would do it for the exercise," she said. "Making yourself dance everyday for six hours a day I think would be so great." I don't think you need ABC to get some exercise. Here's an idea: take some ecstasy and attend an after-hours club. I hear the moon is opening a new one. She should go check it out.

Photo: Gambling 911

Canon Bawl: Nick Canon Babbles About Wife's Rumors

Nick Cannon had the opportunity to attend the US Open's Arthur Ashe Kids Day recently and talked to reporters about his boring life. First of all, he's a real party animal for attending. I'm going to be so jealous when he gets invited to all the pizza parties that I get kicked out of. Second, we don't really want to hear anything he has to say unless it has to do with people bagging on his wife. But of course, he doesn't get the hint so he talked about how he loves kids and how he is "a big kid." Tell us something we don't know. Standing next to Mariah doesn't make you look any more mature. He also talks about having kids, which I feel like is something that shouldn't happen for him until he's not a minor anymore. I can see him fighting with his kids over race cars and barbie jeeps. Finally, he talks about people downplaying his wife and says that everyone just keep saying the same thing for two years. I'm guessing that's probably because Mariah's waist line has been the same for two years.

Photo: Pop on the Pop

The Perfect Situation: The Situation Promotes a Vodka With Protein!

I have just found out about the best invention since grilled cheese sandwiches: Devotion Vodka. It's a type of vodka that contains a clear protein called Casein. Why the fuck hasn't anyone thought of this before? Alcohol is known to be a major degradation of muscle build-up, but now with devotion you can still build muscle and drink alcohol. However, you must be on some sort of weight training program. If you drink this and you're not really looking to build muscle you'll end up like Regina George when she found out about those Creatin Bars. And who better to promote the product then Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. I just wanna be in a room alone with him and a bottle of whip cream... and I don't even like whip cream...

Photo: Mtv

Bill O'Really?: Bill O'Reilly Criticizes Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber

Bill O'Reilly has been quite a steamy little teapot lately. After hearing Jennifer Aniston say women don't need to wait around for a man to have a baby, O'Reilly said Aniston is "being destructive to society." I don't understand his reasoning but that's probably because my idea of being destructive to society is being sober. Now O'Reilly is criticizing Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber after seeing a photo shoot the two stars did. The theme of the photo shoot was The Graduate, a movie where this young guy hooks up with this hot cougar. How clever of them to use Kim and Justin. I don't know what Billy Boy has against the shoot. He must be some sort of a repressed homosexual. I say repressed because as a homosexual, I think the shoot is the best idea since a buffet. One of the panelists on the O'Reilly factor argued that every 16 year old boy dreams of taking pictures with Kimmy K. Unless you're that one kid in middle school who played with jump ropes instead of basketballs. Their dream probably involved extra time in the locker room. However, it also wasn't a dream for bitch ass Bill either. He says "I think it's gross." Obviously, him and I have two different definitions of 'gross.' Gross for Bill: Kim and Justin pictures. Gross for Caesar Teaser: turkey necks. "I wanted to be a baseball player [when I was 16]," Bill said. "I didn't want to hang around with Kim Kardashian...I had a baseball bat and a ball and [a pair of] ice skates! That's what I was doing." Hey Bill, even flamers like me think Ice Skating is gay and if baseball was your sport of choice then I only have one question: pitcher or catcher? Looks like you're just like some of your other fellow Republicans in America who hide their homosexuality by hiring male prostitutes and use glory holes in public bathrooms.

Photo: Counter Light's Peculiar

Hit It D-Jay: Jay Mariotti Arrested for Domestic Violence

Wife-beating seems to be a recurring theme in Hollywood lately. Jay Mariotti, some guy I've never heard of, was arrested in LA for domestic violence at around 4:30am Sunday monring. Unfortunately there are not too many details of the arrest, which is pretty sad because I wanted to rate him on a scale of Ranae Shrider to Ike Turner. Google them. Lucky for Mariotti he was released on bail for a pretty penny of $50,000 Sunday afternoon. I'm guessing there's something in the Santa Monica waters because there's been men in Hollywood going after the wives with knives or punching out their teeth. Obviously there must be another recurring theme in Hollywood: women in L.A. are becoming more annoying.

Photo: Dead Spin

Heidi N Seek: Heidi Hasn't Responded to the Release of Her Sex Tape

Unfortunately, I have to talk more shit about stupid Spencer and Heidi. Just when you thought it was over, something new comes up. Why can't they be like Paris Hilton and just go away? According to TMZ, it all started when Spencer claimed he has footage of the two doing the dirty deed. Gross. Then he started trying to look for a deal and went to Steve Hirsch who is associated with Vivid Enertainment, the company that also released the sex tapes of Kim Kardashian and Montana Fishburne. I'm guessing it's probably the only porn movie production studio. Heidi and Spencer met up at a hotel in Costa Rica where Heidi thought Spencer was going to give her the two dogs they share when he actually wanted to give Heidi an ultimatum: do another reality show or have the sex tape released. Talk about drama... I don't know why they had to meet in Costa Rica for that when they both live in the same area. It's not like the paparazzi are all over them. Either way, Spencer says he'll release the tape if she doesn't agree and he also says "I'm a wild sexual freak and I love sex." I wonder what his right hand has to say about that. Now, his asking price for the tape with Vivid is 5 million big ones. Hirsch says it's a reasonable price, but that's probably because he hasn't seen the tape yet. Now he's going around telling the media how he's always wanted to be a porn star and he wants his sex tape to make more than Kim Kardashian's, which seems to be sort of an inspiration. Sounds a lot like my friend Montana. I don't know why everyone wants to be like Kim Kardashian. No one is ever going to be like her. She is naturally beautiful with an elephant for an ass. We already know Heidi got a new everything and Spencer just looks like a starving Wolverine. As for Montana Fishburne, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut because I heard she was in jail for beating the shit out of another woman.  Let's have lunch, girl!

Photo: Smosh

Special Words: Jen Aniston is Criticized for Saying 'Retard'

For some reason people cannot find a way to stop hating on Jennifer Aniston. After saying that her new movie Switch tells the audience women don't need a man to have a baby since they can do it on their own, Anniston heard some criticizing words from Bill O'Reilly. He said, "She's throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that hey, you don't need a guy, you don't need a dad. That's destructive to our society." Bill O'Reilly is obviously an idiot. Everyone knows kids grow up just as fine without a father. We all know Suri Cruise is going to be successful and look at her parents. Both Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have a vagina. Either way Aniston responded to the criticism saying she's not encouraging youngsters to go out and have kids, but that women can go out and have a baby before meeting the Bill O'Reilly in their life. Jen - 1; Bill - 0.

Now Jennifer Aniston is getting grilled for saying 'Retard' on Regis and Kelly. The Special Olympics, the CEO of Arc, and Peter Bern all basically expressed how upset they are. I don't know who the last two are so if I were Aniston, I wouldn't really care. People keep complaining about using the word 'retard' and how it puts down a certain group of people, but believe it or not, they are always going to be put down. People keep replacing these words with euphemisms, which in turn become the next word that stigmatize that same group of people. It may disappear for a while, but it'll always come back. Kinda like herpes. Also see: Paris Hilton's vagina.

Photo: The Inquisitr

Cuss Study: Tripp Finally Gets His Custody Hours

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have finally made a settlement on the custody of their child. Like every other case I hear about, the mother gets primary custody of the child, which I'm sure was a tough decision for the judge, since they both have vaginas. Levi is allowed visitation on Saturdays between 9am to 4pm and on Wednesdays from 12pm to 6pm. I don't know how they came up with those hours. It seems like they just put a bunch of days and hours on a wheel and spin it like it's Wheel of Fortune. The agreement also prohibits any parent from talking badly about the other parent in front of the child, Tripp. Nor can any person talk badly about the other family in front of him. In other words, neither parent nor anybody associated with them cannot put down the other parent in front of Tripp. I have a feeling that part of the agreement is going to be much harder for Levi than Bristol. Thank god for earmuffs.

Photo: Babble Australia

California Hurls: Katy Perry's Mom Flirts With Her Husband

Katy Perry seems to unimpress me more and more every time I read about her. She took time out of her retarded life to sit down with Glamour UK to talk about the relationship between her husband and her parents. She says at first her parents were skeptical about him, which sounds like Katy has some pretty smart parents. If you've seen Russell Brand's face, you'll agree. Luckily for the couple, Katy's parents learned to love Russell and Katy's mom even flirts with him via email. Gross. I'd rather give a foot massage to Shaq... Right after basketball practice. Katy also says she's looking forward to being married. "I won't be able to get drunk all the time, but I don't want to. I won't be able to waste hours on the internet, but I don't need to..." With that in mind, I don't exactly know what she's looking forward to, but it sounds like Russell might want to think about becoming a Mormon.

Photo: The Vapid

No She Di'int!: Fantasia Says She's Not A Homewrecker

Paula Cook of North Carolina is filing for custody of her two kids because she claims that her man, Antwuan Cook, had an affair with Fantasia, who won season 3 of American Idol. There's been all this fuss about Antwuan [I don't really see the point of spelling his name with a 'u' in it...] leaving Paula shortly after he started hanging out with Fantasia. In her complaint, Paula says that Antwuan and Fantasia have a sex tape, which will prove they had an affair together. Fantasia's representatives have made statements saying that she wasn't involved in the affair. Obviously, we have to ask ourselves two questions here that would put an end to all of this. 1. Who the hell would admit to having an affair? and 2. Who the hell would want to sleep with Fantasia?

Photo: Pop on the Pop

No Shots Part Deux: Charlie Sheen Stays Sober

This past weekend, crazy drunk ass Charlie Sheen partied at the Playboy Mansion and was "totally sober" according to Ron Jeremy who also attended the party. First of all, we all know people never seem that drunk when we're drunk. Second, anyone who goes to rehab has a high tolerance of alcohol, so the amount of alcohol Sheen had could be from 0 to 'just enough to get me laid.' According to Jeremy, Sheen was in a good mood and he laughed and smiled throughout the night. We can at least conclude he was on something, if it wasn't alcohol. Either way, it's good to know that Charlie wasn't trying to stab anyone in the neck or anything, but either way, the only people who needed to be drinking alcohol were the people who had to look at Ron Jeremy.

Photo: Rumor Addict

Carey Less: Drew Carey Loses 80 Pounds

Last Wednesday night, Drew Carey went to a party in LA where everyone saw the results of his weight loss. He refrained from eating any carbs since the beginning of the year and lost 80 pounds, which is around the weight of Kim Kardashian's ass. He says, "No bread at all. No pizza, nothing. No corn, no beans, no starches of any kind." I think that's a diet I could follow since he didn't say 'no vodka.' One of the benefits to the weight loss is that he's no longer diabetic, but he says "I got tired of being fat on camera." I'm glad he didn't say he wanted to lose weight to get healthier, because I feel like most people are losing weight to improve their looks. The only problem is: I don't think Drew looks any better.

Photo: Huffington Post

Where Have All The Oldies Gone?: Old People Go Missing In Japan.

Japan isn't exactly the best place to live right now if you're older than 100 years old. Last week, Tokyo police found a mummified man who all of Japan thought was the oldest man in that nation. They thought he was 111 years old, but he had been dead for 30 years. The best part is police tried to find his family to investigate whether or not they were taking money from his account after receiving a pension. The older the berry, the sweeter the check. Then, this week, a woman who turned 113 was also declared missing after local authorities went to her apartment and found out that she never lived there. In addition, there have been more reports of people over the age of 100 who have gone missing and/or their family members don't know what happened to them. My guess is that they've all died... 30 years ago. Apparently, Japan is the best place to live if you want to get rid of your grandparents. Since October of last year, there were 41,000 residents over the age of 100 in Japan. I'm thinking that number is going to go down as soon as they find out how many people have been missing for half of their lives.

Photo: Piscatorial Pursuits

Kim-moron: Kimora Lee Has a Yard Sale

This past weekend, Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee held a yard sale at the old house they used to share in New Jersey. I guess putting everything up on eBay was too difficult for them to do. The items ranged from a $200,000 Versace bed to $3 mugs. They have also sold the house for around $13.9 million. I bet the only things that weren't even touched by customers were the things in Kimora's and Russell's closets, which were ironically full of Baby Phat and Phat Farm clothing.

Much to my disbelief, Kimora actually donated much of the proceeds to charity. If she's getting $40,000 a month in child support from Russell, she damn well better be giving the money away. The worst part about the child support deal is that Russell said ""I am reading these stories today about how a judge ordered me to pay Kimora $40,000 a month in child support and I want to make something very clear. Nothing was ordered, it was given. My kids have a fabulous life; they are exposed to a broad range of artistic and scholastic educational programs and I’m very happy to contribute to that." So he's basically giving Kimora that much money to spend on their daughter's education. Both of them are assholes. Kimora is an asshole for accepting that much money when she is perfectly capable of making her own money, and Russell is an asshole for spending the money on something stupid, like an education. My mom always enrolled me into a public school and I turned out just fine, didn't I?

Photo: B.E.T.

Bear-y Sneaky: A Bear is a Serial Intruder

There's a black bear in Billings, Montana that may have been involved in over 21 late night break-ins over the past 3 weeks, give or take. The bear will usually break-in through screen doors or screened windows and rummage through refrigerators and freezers to find food. This bear sounds very smart. It almost sounds like a human is dressing in a bear costume and breaking in people's houses for food. Either that, or people are so retarded that they think a screen door is going to keep them safe from everything outside.

In the bear's latest intrusion, he broke into the house of Marek Rosin at around 1:30AM and attacked a supreme pizza in the freezer. Rosin says "He was about four feet from me with his head in the freezer munching on a pizza... It was almost comical if it wouldn't have been that close." I don't know if comical is the word I would use to describe being 4 feet from a black bear. You know what is comical? The fact that the bear also taught Rosin how you have to microwave a pizza before eating it.

Photo: The Privatopia Papers Blog

For Your Nympho: Montana Fishburne Is All About Sex

Montana Fishburne, daughter of CSI star Laurence Fishburne, is under a contract with Vivid Entertainment where she's made a porn movie set to release August 10th, which is definitely up our butts and around the corner. Porn has always been a dream for Fishburne and she believes it isn't a big deal. Comfortable with her body and sexuality, she says this could be the stepping-stone for her career just like Kim Kardashian's sex tape was for hers. Let's just hope she's right and doesn't end up like Paris Hilton or that one housewife from New Jersey. Though she admits she was nervous at first, she says she is fine doing porn since she "has a lot of at-home experience." She sounds like a lot of fun if you ask me.

Fishburne moved out of her father's house at the age of 18 so she can basically do what she wants, which i'm guessing is to make porn videos. However, some of her father's friends tried to prevent the release of the tape by buying all of the copies from Vivid Entertainment. By the time they tried to make the deal, though, the tapes were released to the retailers. That was a close one.

Fishburne reveals that her father isn't happy with her career choices, but she hopes that in time, he will be happy with whatever she pursues and hopefully one day he will be proud of her. I think lots of fathers can be proud of their daughters doing porn so they can attend dinner parties and say things like "well, my daughter holds the world record of the furthest squirt ejaculation," or "my daughter can discharge 10 golf balls from her vagina in 7 seconds."

The best part about this whole drama is the discovery of Fishburne's arrest last year for prostitution. I have got to party with her. She is still on probation for prostitution where the charges were dropped and she escaped jail to participate in a work-alternative program. I'm guessing her work-alternative is now doing porn. If that's not an alternative, then I don't know what is.

Photo: What's On XIA Men?

Mosquitoes Suck: Lady Catches 4 Million Mosquitoes

There was a competition in Taiwan where participants had to catch the most mosquitoes in a month. One lady caught around 4 million mosquitoes, which was more than double of the person who won second place. She received recognition as a Guinness World Record holder as the world's leading killer of the bug. Mosquitoes were a problem for spreading malaria and are now a major factor in spreading dengue fever. The good news is that this lady is killing a lot of annoying mosquitoes. The bad news is that she's allowing the multiplication of bad drivers.

Photo: Top News

Astro-Not: Katy Perry Sends Husband to Space for Birthday

For Russell Brand's 35th birthday, Katy Perry bought him a ticket to ride the Virgin Galactic space venture for $200,000. First of all, is it just me, or does Brand look way older than 35? Second, I don't like anything with the word virgin in it. Virgin Airlines always charges me too much for carrying luggage; Virgins never know how to be good in bed; and Virgin Margaritas are never fun for anyone. The trip will let Brand go to the Earth's atmosphere and float for 5 minutes in space. To me, that's like having sex with a minute man. If I'm going to be floating in space, I'm going to want a lot more than just 5 minutes. I at least want the chance to be able to use the bathroom and take ecstasy pills up there. Katy hasn't decided if she wants to accompany Brand on the trip. Hopefully Brand will go with her and come back alone.

Photo: Glamour Vanity

Amen-tor: Manager Tells Robber Jesus Will Disapprove

A man walked into a cell phone store in Pompano Beach, Florida armed with a gun and asked for the money in the register. Nayara Goncalves, the silly manager whose name I don't know how to pronounce, told the man not to rob the store because Jesus would not approve and even offered to help him find a job through some of her friends. This lady is so lucky it wasn't someone like me robbing the store. I would have shot her in the foot and said "Sorry, lady, I don't believe in ghosts." I expect this to happen in some other state, like Maine or Utah, but Florida? Now if only this lady can start talking to more Republicans and close-minded Christians. I'm sure a lot of children could have also avoided a lot of trauma had she talked to a few priests, or even better, Michael Jackson.

Photo: MacYapper