Junk In The Trunk: Women Arrested For Giving Illegal Butt Injections

Kimberly Smedley from Georgia is under arrest for giving illegal butt injections to clients all over the East Coast. She had clients in Baltimore, D.C., Detroit, Philadelphia and New York City who paid around $1600 for the toxic silicone injections. She would inject her clients with substances that were used for metal or plastic lubrication, furniture or automotive polishes, or an additive for paint and coatings. She even hired someone as a security guard to make sure the coast is clear while Smedley would perform the procedure in a hotel room. The procedure involved her injecting a client's butt ten times with what she claimed to be "medical-grade silicone." Then she would plug the holes with cotton balls and super glue. I can sit her and talk about how stupid this lady is for injecting people with lube and paint coating, but even stupider are the clients she had. At what point are these people not realizing that something isn't right here? The part when she told you to meet you at Motel 6? Or the part where she stopped the bleeding with Elmer's glue? And how the fuck did they find out about this lady in the first place? Craigslist? The Pennysaver? I can't say I blame these ladies for wanting cheap butt implants. I want a bigger ass just as much as the next bottom, but I've come to learn that if it sounds to good to be true, it probably is. Unfortunately I found that out after I got my sex change. 

Source: Huffington Post

Photo: Huffington Post

Paulie Wants A Cracked Head: Owner Hopes Thieves Are Annoyed With Stolen Parrot

A man in England hopes the thieves who stole his parrot will return it from being annoyed by her singing songs from the band Queen. Not only did the thieves steal the guy's parrot, but they stole his Playstation 3, as well. The owner, Malcolm Booth, doesn't really care about the Playstation 3, but he just wants his bird back because it was like family to him. Booth is almost positive they will get sick of Chico singing songs, like "Bohemian Rhapsody," "We Are The Champions," and "Killer Queen." He says, "I'm a great fan of Queen and am used to Chico squawking and whistling their tunes but I'm not sure its everyone's cup of tea. I don't think the people who have her will appreciate her squawking 'Scaramouche', 'Galileo' and 'I'm just a poor boy' at them all the time. In fact I think it will drive them up the wall." I have two things to say. One, why is the parrot's name Chico if she's a girl? And two, I don't know about the thieves, but if I was annoyed with a parrot reciting Queen lyrics, I would beat the shit out of it. If I stole a parrot, it better hope that it can recite Kathy Griffin's stand up shows. I can't stand birds. They wake me up in the morning, they take a dump on me, and one of them even swooped towards me and hit me in the head. Lucky for it, I didn't have a shotgun. Lucky for me, I had breadcrumbs. Dipped in bleach. 

Source: UPI

Photo: Pawn Nation

Sausage Party: Woman Attacks Man For Lack of Sausages at 7-11

A woman has been arrested for losing her mind at a 7-11 after she found out that there were no fully heated hot dogs available. The officer who arrested her said he arrived to the woman throwing an item at the store clerk and attempted to climb over the counter. When the officer entered the store, he arrested her on the spot and put her in the back of the police car where she tried to kick the windows open. The cop decided to pepper spray so that she would become more submissive. I don't think I have to tell you guys that she was drunk, but the officer said her speech was slurred, her eyes were bloodshot, and she smelled like alcohol. If she didn't smell like alcohol, then the other two symptoms would have meant that she was high on marijuana. I don't really know what's wrong with this lady. Everyone knows that when you're drunk and hungry, the best place to go is Taco Bell.

Source: NJ
Photo: The Inquisitr

Serenity Is Key: Man Rages Over Losing House Keys

A man in New Zealand is under arrest after throwing a rampage which resulted from him not being able to find his house keys. It started off with him smashing windows and yelling abusive things. From there, he went to his mother's house where he started strangling the family's pet goat and smashed his head into a wall. Although the goat didn't suffer any major harm, there was no word as to whether the wall is okay or not. After the goat, the guy went after his sister by throwing a glass at her and punching her. His grandmother tried to get him to stop by spraying oven cleaner on him. That's when the cops came and arrested him and asked him why he smelled so good. Just kidding. But seriously, he's arrested. Obviously this guy has some issues going on inside of his head. If I lost my house keys, I would have at least punched my grandmother, too.

Source: Big Pond News
Photo: Big Pond News

Pregnancy Is The New STI: Men Can Have Pregnancy Symptoms

I was reading an article on OMG Facts and found out that men can go through Sympathetic Pregnancy Syndrome, where they experience the same symptoms of pregnancy while their partner is pregnant. I don't know why they call it Sympathetic Pregnancy Syndrome. They should call it Aaw-Son-of-a-Bitch Syndrome. It typically happens when the woman is in her third month and as her symptoms worsen, so does the male's. Symptoms include: weight gain, fatigue, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and even morning sickness. I've never had a pregnant partner, but I have had all these symptoms before. It's called a hangover. 

Source: OMG Facts

Photo: The Beauty Brains

Private Parts: Counselor Convicted of Molestation In Children's Home

Victor Salazar of Santa Ana is convicted of molesting children between the ages of 14 and 15 at the children's home where he worked. This is probably the fifth article I've read about a counselor molesting children so apparently counselors are the new Catholic priests. The Florence Crittenden Home, which is in Fullerton, caters to children who have parents outside of the country either because they came to the U.S. alone or their parents were deported. So right after they lose their parents, the children can lose their virginity, too. Salazar molested three boys in his office where they were able to call their parents in South America. Officials say Salazar assaulted them while they were on the phone. That is so sad. These kids can't even talk to their parents without getting poked in the face.

Source: LA Times
Photo: OC Register

Takin' Some 'Chuters: Four Daredevils Bass Jump Skyscraper To Avoid Bar Bill

Police in Melbourne, Australia are looking for four men who ditched a bar bill by parachuting 800 feet from the Rialto building. Not only did they have the parachutes hidden under their business suits, but they also had a get away car waiting for them at the bottom when they landed. This is ridiculous. Doesn't anybody dine and dash anymore? The owner of the restaurant said the four daredevils each ordered a Negroni, locked the balcony doors behind them, and jumped off. He also added, "They had cameras on their helmets so I'm sure we'll all see it on YouTube soon. I hope they are caught - they need to pay their bill." I hope they don't get caught. As much as I'd hate to admit it, these four guys pulled off a pretty cool stunt. However, I still think it's stupid. I would never risk my life for a drink. I would actually risk my life for 17 drinks.

Source: WTF News

Photo: The Daily Mirror

Let Freedom Ring: Woman Dumps Drums For Statue Of Liberty

Amanda Whitaker of the UK has dumped her drum set to be with the new love of her life, The Statue of Liberty. She first fell in love with the monument when one of her friends posted a picture of it online. I hope she doesn't have a Facebook friend with a stamp collection. That can turn into a really sticky situation. Whitaker says, "She is my long-distance lover and I am blown away by how stunning she is." This lady is crazy. How can the Statue of Liberty be her lover if the Statue of Liberty doesn't even love? If I were her I would definitely give those drums a call. The article says that she's visited the monument a few times, but has had settle for a look-alike shrine in her home not only because of the distance but also because she believes too many other people are in love with the real statue. News flash: nobody is in love with the Statue of Liberty but you! People climb up to the top of it, but no ones going down on her. Tourists will literally get inside her head, but she's not giving head to anyone. Apparently she has a disorder called objectum sexuality where she creates emotional connections with inanimate objects. I didn't know this was an actual disorder, but now that I do, I think I may have it, too. I'm in love with Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supremes!

Source: Huffington Post

Photo:Viator

What A Doll: Couple Obsessed With Collecting Sex Dolls

There's a show on TLC called "My Crazy Obsession" and this week they showed a couple who has an obsession with collecting sex dolls. The husband claims that they are for display only, saying, “To me it’s purely a collection. I’ve never made love or had sex with a doll at all---that’s not what I do.” The wife didn't have any comments, so I'm going to take that as a "Yes, I'm having sex with the dolls." Their collection is apparently worth over $150,000. The amount of money they spent on their silicone doll collection is about the same amount of money they could've spent on silicone breast implants for the wife so she can finally get some attention from her husband. They've collected over 240 dolls and have a strange way of storing them, too. The husband says, "We put some of them in coffins, because it’s a nice secure box to put them in." Somebody should put him in a coffin. I don't understand the point of purchasing a sex doll if your not having sex with it. That's like tipping a stripper just to tell her that her nipples really brings out her eyes.

Source:Examiner

Photo: Drunken Stepfather

Pop N Stop: Man Sues Movie Theater For Overpriced Popcorn

Justin Thompson of Michigan is suing an AMC movie theater for making their prices too high on popcorn, candy, and drinks. Thompson claims that the amount to pay for movie snacks have resulted in price gouging. For those of you who don't know, price gouging is basically monopolizing or when a company makes their prices so high on purpose because they know there is no other competitor. If there is only one movie theater where you live, that's a pretty good sign that you need a change of scenery. I'm talking to you, Alaska residents. Thompson usually brings his own food to the theater until he finally saw a sign that said patrons can no longer bring outside food into the theater. This caused Mr. Thompson to throw a little hissyfit and sue the company to force them and the theaters around them to lower their prices. This guys needs to smoke some weed and calm the hell down. Hasn't he ever heard of sneaking food in? This guy needs to get a girlfriend so he can actually take a girl out to dinner after a movie and when he wants to be cheap he can just put food into her vagina like they do in women's prison.

Source: Yahoo
Photo: My Abbys Attic

If You Can't Take The Heat: Man Beats Mother For Using His Hot Sauce

A man and his girlfriend were arrested for beating up the boy's mother after she used his hot sauce without permission. It's so nice to see family's coming together for Mexican night. After his mother used the hot sauce, Christopher Phillips put held his mother in a choke hold and broke her glasses in the process. After that, he went to the other room to tell his girlfriend what just happened and then she began yelling at Phillips' mother. From there, both of them began attacking the mother, leaving her with two smacks to the face and cut lip. The mother tried to leave but her son wouldn't give her the keys to her car so she decided to leave on foot. She walked to her husband's workplace where they called the cops and told them the story. I'm sure this is no surprise, but this happened in Florida. I don't know why someone would get so worked up over hot sauce unless it contained hallucinogenics. Either way, the moral of the story is: don't touch another man's hot sauce.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: The Perfect Pantry

Another Year, Another Story: Happy Birthday To Me

Almost every day I find myself having stories to tell my friends and I can't thank anyone else buy my best friend, vodka. For those of you who don't know, my birthday was yesterday so obviously I decided to party a little bit harder than usual. It was pretty much a 5 day party. Anywho, I don't remember which night it was, but while going home, I had an interesting ride home with a little cab driver named Johannes.

It started off normal where I began making small talk and asking questions like, "How has your night been?" or "Have you ever tried heroine?" The conversation went from one topic to the other where he finally told me he was almost done with his shift. So I asked, "Are you going home to your wife?" He said no and that he didn't have one. I asked if he had a girlfriend and he said no again. I asked if he was gay and after a moment of silence he said yes.

From that point on I decided to go bold and start rubbing his thigh. Not only was I slightly horny from being a little less drunk than usual, but I was also looking for a free cab ride. The thigh-rubbing didn't seem to bother him so I continued to do it until he reached my house.

As soon as we got to my house I gave him a hug and thanked him for the ride. After we separated from the hug, I decided to go in for a kiss hoping he wouldn't ask me to stop. He didn't. We made out for what seemed to be two minutes and I asked him, "Am I getting a free ride tonight? It's my birthday." He told me no and he still made me pay. I was pissed. Not only did he make me pay, but after he printed out the receipt he had the nerve to ask me, "Are you gonna leave me a tip?" Are you effing kidding me? Hell no I'm not leaving a tip. He didn't even give me his tip!

Booked At School: 11-year-old Gets Arrested For Bad Manners

An 11-year-old girl in Colorado was arrested at her middle school after she being disobedient, rude, and argumentative. Good thing I didn't go to school in Colorado because I would be arrested every day. According to the report, the student was walking to her locker to get a sweater and the assistant principal came up to her to talk to her during her lunch period. The student walked away mid-sentence saying, "I don't have time for this." School officials sent her to a counselor and after those efforts failed, the campus officer took her to a juvenile facility called "The Link." I don't see what the problem is. If it's lunch time, I'm sure she had a basketball player or two she had to meet up with so they can play zipper bumping behind the bleachers. Besides, they didn't have to arrest her. I'm sure a simple after-school detention would have done the trick. But the thing that bugs me the most is the juvenile hall. Why is it called The Link? Is it just me or does that sound like a dating site where people go to pretend to be someone they're not?

Source: Lurker Faqs
Photo: Gold Coast

What A Steal: Man Robs Girl Then Asks Her On A Date

A man named John Jardini has been arrested for robbery and assault after he stole $60 from a girl after she got off the bus. At this point, most normal robbers would leave their victims alone, but instead, Jardini decided to call the girl twice to ask her out on a date. Talk about romantic... Police attempted to catch the robber through tracing the phone calls but were actually able to catch him after he assaulted the same girl a second time and her mother outside of a grocery store. Rob me once, shame on you. Rob me twice, that's just silly. This guy obviously didn't think things through. He robbed a girl who only had $60. If she's getting off of the bus, that's probably all she has. Let's just hope he got the mother's number, too, from the second assault.

Source: Huffington Post
Photo: Aarons

Full Of Crap: Toilets at University of Chicago Are Exploding

A dormitory hall at the University of Chicago has bathrooms with very unsanitary conditions, water outages, and exploding toilets. I've seen toilets with unsanitary conditions and water outages because I made the mistake of having Indian food for dinner one night. However, I've never heard of exploding toilets. A freshman at the university named Michelle Rodriguez said, "In a 24-hour period, the plumbing exploded twice, and exploded with such force and severity that a toilet bowl … shattered, throwing porcelain shards across the bathroom." I wish I was there to see that. This gives a whole new meaning to the term, "dropping a bomb." Rodriguez went on to say that the explosion left "pieces of someone else's excrement on my hair, my face, my lips." I don't know about you guys, but I think this is hilarious. That is also probably the worst time to run out of toilet paper.

Source: UPI

Photo: Stangzine

Artificial Death: Lady Climbs Out Of Her Coffin Before Her Funeral

A woman in China managed to climb out of her coffin six days after her neighbors thought she was dead. She was actually unconscious from tripping and hitting her head, which happened two weeks before her neighbors found her.  The neighbor who found her was going on his daily visit to give her breakfast and saw her motionless in her bed. If she tripped and hit her head, how the fuck did she land on her bed? And if she did land on her bed, what the fuck does she use for pillows? Bamboo? After finding her lifeless on the bed, her neighbor shook her as hard as he could and gave her CPR, but her body responded to nothing. The neighbors went so far as to lay her in a coffin and hold a wake for her friends and family to give their condolences. However, the day before the funeral, the neighbors saw that the coffin was empty and found the lady cooking in her kitchen. One doctor says she was probably suffering an artificial death where someone's body is still warm, but they have no breath. What if Whitney Houston was suffering an artificial death? She'd probably be banging on that coffin screaming, "Bobbay!" Either way, let's all congratulate Whitney on being sober for 25 days.

Source: WTF News
Photo: WTF News