The Ex Files: Vienna Says Jake's a Fame Whore

In a recent press release for ABC's The Bachelor Breakup, Vienna Girardi tells ex-boyfriend, Jake Pavelka, he is a fame whore and a liar. Vienna also told tabloid magazines that she was posing for Playboy, which was a lie. According to a source, Jake paid for everything while the short relationship lasted. I heard the source's last name starts with a 'P' and ends with 'avelka.' As if finding out that Vienna isn't posing for Playboy wasn't embarrassing enough, Playgirl asked Jake to pose nude for them. Jake: 1; Vienna: 0. Just when Vienna couldn't be any more hypocritical, photos of her have resurfaced where she can be seen doing the splits and putting her face in some man's crotch. Talk about showing a man a good time. Jake: 1; Vienna: 1.

Photo: Thats Famous

Mini Me: Elizabeth Edwards Relates to Sandra Bullock

Elizabeth Edwards tells Star how she can sympathize with Sandra Bullock when it comes to people focusing more on her divorce and less on her talent. If anyone knows who Elizabeth Edwards is please enlighten me. I'd Google her, but I'm so busy plucking pubic hairs off of bums on the street. Like Bullock, Edwards went through a nasty divorce with ex-husband John Edwards, who cheated on her. She says there are still many things that she likes about her ex-husband. I doubt Sandra can say the same. She also says that she doesn't know Bullock at all. The more I read the article, the less I think Edwards is like Bullock. Edwards concludes the interview and says like herself, Bullock wants to reclaim who she is. I don't think Elizabeth knows that in order to reclaim yourself, you have to claim yourself first.

Photo: Star Magazine

Holy Shiloh: Angelina Says Shiloh Wants to be a Boy

In her interview with Vanity Fair, Angelina Jolie talks about her kids and their personality traits. She says Maddox is really smart, which she "can take no credit for genetically." She read my mind. She talks about Zahara having a great voice and Knox and Viv being classic boy and girl. She forgets to talk about Pax so he is obviously not the favorite.

When she talks about Shiloh, Angelina says "she likes to dress like a boy. She wants to be a boy. So [her and Brad] had to cut her hair. She likes to wear boys' everything. She thinks she's one of the brothers." That sounds a lot like me when I was 5 years old only I wanted to be a Ariel from The Little Mermaid. I don't know if Shiloh is as gender-confused as I was, but Angelina says she was just like Shiloh when she was younger so we all have something bigger to worry about.

Photo: Pacific Coast News

Divorce Court: Diandra Douglas Wants Money From Ex-Husband Michael Douglas

In 2000, Michael Douglas and ex-wife Diandra Douglas had a costly divorce where Diandra earned about $45 million, one house in Beverly Hills, and another in Majorca. I'm guessing Catherine Zeta-Jones had to buy the house her and Michael live in now. 10 years after the Douglas divorce, Diandra is suing Michael for 50 percent of his earnings from his upcoming movie Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. The Douglas divorce entitles Diandra half of any earnings Michael made during their 23-year marriage. I don't think Diandra really won a lot of money on that deal. The problem is Diandra is also entitled half of any spin offs that may come out of any productions that took place during the marriage. Diandra's lawyer argues that it is a spin off since it has the same character and title, but it just takes place in a different time. Michael's lawyer argues that it is a sequel and also has no reason behind it. I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that Diandra is going to be walking away with more money. According to E! News, a source says that Michael doesn't want to pay her the money. I don't know who the source is, but I have a good feeling that his name is Captain Obvious. Of course he doesn't want to pay the money. Nobody ever wants to give away their money. The only person I want to give my money to is the bartender.

Photo: Polls Boutique

Probation Celebration: Nicole Richie Parties After Probation Extension

In 2006, Nicole Richie was caught driving under the influence, causing her to drive the wrong way on a freeway in Los Angeles. I would probably know what she is going through if I wasn't too lazy to get my license or learn how to hotwire a car. She was mandated to take alcohol ed classes and her probation was going to be over next month. However, she claims that she wasn't able to finish her classes on time because she was too busy taking care of her two kids, Harlow and Sparrow. I'm guessing if she has a third kid she's going to name it Arrow. I'll be damned if these kids survive middle school. Because she wasn't able to finish her classes on time, the judged ruled that her probation be extended until March of 2011 unless she remains on good behavior. More recently, there's been a small fuss about Nicole attending the Bing party in LA after she just got her probation extended. Some say it's not too bad, but I say she is an idiot. What was she thinking leaving those kids alone with Joel Madden?

Photo: E! Online

Hooking Up With the Kardashians: Kim and Miles Cuddle

Not too long ago, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush separated a while back, which made me a very happy chocolate lover. It's the only Bush I'll ever go down on. Sorry, George. But obviously, I can't compete with someone who's no fat and all ass. Kim has recently moved on to a new football player by the name of Miles Austin and I must say I definitely approve. The two were seen cuddling and having margaritas so they obviously know how to have a good time.

According to Us, "the Kardashians are good luck," says a source. In 2007, Jessica Simpson was made fun of for being a jinx when she dated Tony Romo. I'm guessing if you're a blond that dates a professional athlete, you must be bad luck. Also see: Kendra Wilkinson.

Photo: Us Weekly Magazine;

Tori Swelling: Tori's Old Coworkers Hate Her

In her interview with Ryan Seacrest, Tori says that her old coworkers of 90210 don't talk to her anymore. She says "All my cast members hate me." Hate is a very strong word. I think these people have a lot more time on their hands. Spelling says that they didn't hate her while they filmed the show, but started to hate her after she remarried Dean McDermott. If she thinks that her coworkers didn't hate her during and after the show, then obviously those people are better actors than I thought. Personally, I think she just wants someone to kiss her ass. She's waiting for Tiffany Theissen to come out and say "I don't hate Tori Spelling. I think she's great." Obviously, she'd be getting a little carried away with herself if she said that, but all Tori wants is more publicity for her latest failure Uncharted TerriTORI. What a clever book title.

Photo: Style News

Nudy Patootie: Lindsay Lohan Is Posing Nude Again

Lindsay Lohan is going to be in a photo shoot where she will be rolling around in a bed without her clothes on to help sell her new line of handbags. I don't exactly know how posing nude will help her gain revenue, unless each bag has instructions on how to resell each item for more than the original price. However, the photographer, Richard Luna, is trying to figure out what to do with the SCRAM bracelet. He doesn't know whether he wants to leave it on, airbrush it out, or have police supervise her while she has the bracelet off. I don't know if it's the SCRAM bracelet he will need to be airbrushing. Either way, Lindsay plans on selling two lines of bags, 6126, which represents Marilyn Monroe's date of birth, and 7286, which represents Lindsay's date of birth. She's going to be selling 6126 at high end stores from a price range of $200 - $600 and 7286 at lower-end stores, such as Macy's, for under $200. I may not agree with Lindsay on many things, but at least we both know her birth is worth less.

Photo: The Hollywood Gossip

You Go Go GaGa: Lady GaGa Causes Another Scene

Not too long ago, Lady GaGa went to a Mets game a couple of weeks back and made it known that she didn't want the paparazzi taking photos of her by flipping off the cameras. That's pretty ironic for someone with a hit single called "Paparazzi." She moved to a deluxe suite where she continued to flip off the cameras, which could probably mean she must be very horny.

Last Friday, at the Mets-Yankees game, she misbehaved herself once again. She was seen groping her chest and drinking whiskey so she obviously knows how to have a good time. She was wearing a half-buttoned Yankees jersey, black panties, and fishnets. It sounds like she might have mistaken the game for some sort of after party. Lady GaGa crossed the line for New York Yankees executives when she hung out at the Yankees clubhouse without permission. Now she's banned from the sluggers' clubhouse because of her behavior. I feel kind of bad for Lady GaGa because I've been kicked out of a few places myself. Lucky for me, those aren't the only places that have happy hour.

Spelling the Truth: Tori Spelling Says She's Not Anorexic

Last year, there were photos released of Tori Spelling looking thinner than usual. I didn't even know she could get any thinner. I guess anything is possible. Lots of blog websites and tabloid magazines spread rumors about Tori having anorexia or an eating disorder. I don't know if she did have an eating disorder or not, but she did look very thin.

In her interview with USA Today, Tori says the reason why she became so thin was because she had the swine flu, stomach pains, migraines and nerve problems. I'm not a doctor, but I don't see how migraines would make someone lose weight. I've been the same size for a long time in my life and I've had many migraines. Actually, I usually call them hangovers.

Tori goes on to say that she's worried about how this negative attention will affect her 2 year old daughter. My guess is, if she isn't able to remember yet, I think she'll be fine. She continues to say she's glad her daughter can't read so she doesn't have to understand what tabloids are saying. Lucky for Tori, she probably shares the same reading level as her daughter.

She finishes off her interview by saying "I'm a role model for a lot of women out there, so I hate that they say these things unwarranted, without any research and facts. I think it's doing a disservice to women out there that look up to any celebrity." I just want to reassure Tori and tell her not to worry because she's probably not a role model for anyone.

Miley Virus: Miley Ain't Tryna Be No Slut

Miley Cyrus has been getting a lot of criticism lately for being to racy for her age. In her latest music video for her single "Can't Be Tamed" she wears a corset and hot pants in one scene and a leotard with thigh high boots in another. Miley tells Associated Press, "What I'm trying to do is make a point with my record and look consistent, in the way my record sounds and the way I dress." I don't really know if Miley is trying to be slutty or not, but if she is, this is definitely a good excuse. If only I were a singer.

Critics say she is too young to be showing that much skin. Caesar says she isn't showing enough. So what if she's showing some skin and dancing on stripper poles? Clearly, Miley isn't trying to be slutty, but she is trying to be a stripper. Everybody went through their sex appeal phase. Britney Spears was all sweet and innocent when she debuted in a school girl outfit and then she started showing off her pink taco to the paparazzi. Christina Aguilera was a girl next door when she was a genie in a bottle and then she decided to get dirrty. Now it's Miley's turn. If she wants to start taking up drugs, flash her lady bits to the paparazzi, or shave her head to pass a drug test then let her. I'm going to need some juicy stories for this shitty blog.

Z-Trippin: DJ Z-Trip Thinks Pauly D Isn't That Good.

Pauly D is one of the top 100 finalists for the competition America's Best DJ, but apparently a couple of DJs think he doesn't deserve to be there. E! Online reports that Z-Trip, who was the winner of last year's competition, says he was the one who had the strongest opinion. With a name like Z-Trip, I was so anxious to hear what he had to say that I couldn't stop biting my nails! My toenails... On his Twitter account, Z-Trip tweeted:

"START OF RANT: Being last years winner, I have 2 say, it's a bit of a knock 2 all the OG's 2 include Pauly D on Americas Best DJ 2010 ballot [...] Not trying 2 dis, but the fact that he is on the list (alongside some DJ legends) is a bit sketchy. [...] If U keep at it, eventually U can earn it. But nobody knew who U were b4 the show #imjustsayin'.... END OF RANT."

First of all, what the fuck is up with the "START" and "END" crap? Obviously, he doesn't know what 'end' means if he continues to talk about Pauly D after his "end of rant." Go through his Twitter acount and you'll see. Second, I don't know Pauly D and nor have I heard any of his work, but what I do know is that he has a face I want to ride until Christmas Day. Everybody knows when you get to high school, all of the popular people happen to be all of the sexy people. However, judging by Z-Trips oratorical skills, I doubt he made it that far into his education.

A Little Bit Too Much: Lindsay's SCRAM Detects Alcohol

According to Radar Online and Star, Lindsay Lohan's little SCRAM anklet went off Monday morning around 1 a.m. after attending Katy Perry's MTV movie awards after-party at Las Palmas. However, according to Lindsay Lohan's Twitter account, the device didn't go off at all because Lindsay has "been more than I'm compliance &feeling great." I'm not a very good guesser, but I'm going make a shot in the dark and assume Lindsay meant she's in compliance. She also posted the tweet around 2pm yesterday so it is very likely she wrote that when she woke up. As an alcoholic, I drink at all hours of the day, but I have crashed enough house parties to know that if someone is at a social event at 1 in the morning, they are probably drinking some Jesus Juice, too. 

Believe it or not, I like Lindsay Lohan. I want her to get through this as much as her other 2 fans do. A lot of people aren't giving her the credit she deserves. Things take time and already Lindsay has passed 2 drug tests and when the SCRAM bracelet went off, it only detected "a little bit" of alcohol. Baby steps Lindsay. I know it is hard because I recently quit drinking alcohol. Even more recently, I began drinking alcohol again.

Cut to the Chace: Chace Crawford Arrested for Pot Possession

Chace Crawford, that one guy from Gossip Girl, was arrested in a parking lot for having one unlit joint. What's the big deal? It wasn't even lit? It's one thing to be driving while high. It's another thing when you're not even smoking it. He was with a friend at the time of his arrest, but he soon after made bond. I wonder if his friend made bond, too.

According to People, a friend says they saw him in the same parking lot earlier in the afternoon where he had lunch at Naan Sushi. "He was on the phone the whole time. [The group] seemed normal. None of them seemed like they were mad or anything.” Obviously, if they were on the phone the whole time they were trying to make a deal. And why would they be mad? If Crawford is going to get some marijuana, there's nothing to be mad about.

Honk if You're Horny: Cameron Diaz Loves Sex

Cameron Diaz is 37 years old and she looks damn good for her age. Her secret to being young, among other things, is having sex. Finally, someone who knows how to speak Caesar. In her interview with the July issue of British Vogue, Diaz says "yes, sex, we need that as human beings. It's healthy, it's natural, it's what we are here to do!" It's no wonder A. Rod has been lookin' pretty good, too. Am I right? Or am I right? I'm just glad Cameron has the decency to admit she's having sex. Unlike Megan Fox who swears she's only had sex with two people. I think I know their names: Left Hand and Right Hand.

Cameron Diaz is waiting for her new film Bad Teacher, where she had the chance to work with an old lover, Justin Timberlake. I heard she insisted on having Justin take on the role as her character's lover. She is not kidding around about having all that sex. She don't waste no time! Apparently, the movie is about a gold digger trying to get money for breast implants. Cameron says, "I'm sure we'll offend everyone with it, which is great." In other words, the movie is a parody of the biography of Kate Hudson.