Headed for the Hills: Heidi Leaves Spencer

Heidi Montag's Publicist spoke out to the tabloids not too long ago and confirmed that "it's a separation for now, not a divorce." This very intelligent publicist also said Heidi is "trying to lay low right now" and "hopes people respect her privacy." Obviously, the publicist isn't exactly practicing what it's preaching. Way to respect her privacy. At the same time, if she was really trying to lay low, then maybe she wouldn't have posted on her Twitter account "PS: I am not Heidi Pratt, I am Heidi Montag." If I can offer any advice to Heidi to maintain her privacy, it would be to avoid posting your business on the internet. Thank me later, Heidi.

Heidi is moving in with her best friend, Jennifer Bunney in Malibu where they are going to shoot a new reality TV show. Jennifer tells Radaronline.com “We’re really excited to do girly things and show people who we really are and that we’re really fun, sweet and loyal girls.” I don't speak dumb blond, but I'm guessing it means the show is going to be about a couple of retards going to the beach and having brunch every day. I've never seen The Hills, but every time I see a preview on Mtv, it's either people at the beach or arguing at a restaurant patio. I'd love to actually watch the show, but I think I'm going to be busy for around the next two years.

Heidi also wants to work on her entertainment career. Her publicist says "Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls.  She's tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career." I don't exactly know if Heidi can blame her bad rep for acting on Spencer, but I do know that she cannot blame him for her failure as a singer.

Get Thin or Die Tryin': 50 Cent Lost 54 Pounds

If you look on his website, Thisis50.com, 50 Cent, aka Curtis Jackson, lost 54 pounds in order to play a role in a movie he wrote called Things Fall Apart. Pay attention Kirstie Alley. He stuck on a diet and exercise program for two months where he only drank liquids and had to walk on the treadmill for 3 hours a day. I don't understand. I'm also on the same diet and I never lose weight. I only drink vodka and I dance for 3 hours at the bar every night.

50 Cent was inspired to write a movie about a football player diagnosed with cancer when his friend died from the disease. But this isn't his only line of work. He's still on his tour with G-Unit and he's working in movies with big names, like Kiefer Sutherland, Chace Crawford, and Chris Klein.

Along with the 54-pound weight loss, 50 cent also removed his tattoos because it took too much time to cover them up during makeup. I'm beginning to lose attraction for him more and more. However, he plans on gaining the weight back and says "I’ve been eating. I’ll be back in shape in no time!" Hey Fiddy, if you want tips on gaining weight quickly, call my homegirl, Oprah.

What's New, Pussycat Doll?: Nicole Scherzinger Wins Dancing With the Stars

OK! magazine reports that Nicole Scherzinger along with partner Derek Hough won 1st place in this season's Dancing With the Stars. Frankly, I'm not at all surprised. As soon as I heard she was going to be a contestant, I knew she was going to win. All of the other contestants are talented at other things. Chad Ochocinco and Evan Lysacek are succesful athletes that nobody cares about, Aiden Turner is good at being an actor that no one really knows, and Kate Gosselin is good at being a lousy mother. Nicole is the only person on the lineup who has dancing experiencing. It seems unfair if you ask me. That's like me competing with my 5 year old nephew to see who can sleep with the most people that they will regret in the morning.

According to Us Weekly, Nicole believed she wasn't going to be the winner. That is exactly what every winner says. Some call it modesty, but I call it denial. She even cried when Led Goodman, one of the judge's on the show, said she should be the winner. You know what someone tells me to make me cry? "Last call for alcohol!"

Single Mother (F*****): Bristol Palin Raises Her Kid By Herself

In the June issue of Harper's Bazaar, Bristol Palin talks about her new life with her new baby, Tripp. With a name like that, I'm not too sure he's going to make many friends. The article talks about how much she loves her baby, even though she expected to be in college at age 19. Nothing says love like admitting to regret... But she does admit that her baby is a blessing, as much of a shock as it was for her and her parents. Though Bristol's ex-boyfriend, Levi Johnston, claims Bristol's parents let them share a room together, Bristol says that isn't true. When asked about Johnston, she considers him a stranger and that they share a past that's "just dirty laundry." I think dirty laundry is more along the lines of what Tripp needs to get changed every day. Levi Johnston, however, is more of something that I would consider a dream come true. I would want to ride his mustache like a mechanical bull!

Anywho, Bristol also talks about how she's adjusted to her new life. She is now working as a medical assistant and has become a new ambassador for Candie's Foundation to help fight teen pregnancy. If I was a heterosexual, I think Bristol would be one of the last people I wanted to talk to about safe sex. Same goes for Jamie Lynn Spears. She also talks about how she doesn't have time to go out to social events, like hockey games, or how she doesn't have time for friends. I'll speak for your friends and say they probably don't have time for you.

Holla Abdul!: Paula Abdul is Coming Back on TV

Paula Abdul found a new job on being a judge on a new show called Got to Dance, which is both good news and bad news. The bad news it that she's coming back on TV, but the good news is I finally have a reason not to watch TV. The show is basically a copycat of the same show that airs in the UK under the same title. Talk about being original. Abdul will play many roles on the show, which include coaching, mentoring, being the lead judge. She says, "I've spent the better part of my life teaching, mentoring, nurturing -- working with so many talented people..." First of all, Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, and Ryan Seacrest are not that talented. Second, if I ever wanted to be coached by Paula, I'll call her when I get some Vicodin.

Smooth Operator: Joe Jonas Breaks Up With Demi Over the Phone.

Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato have split up after admitting that they even had a relationship 3 months ago. Sounds like all of the relationships I've had, that is, if months turned into hours. And by relationships, I mean one night stands. According to PerezHilton.com, Joe had his dad break up with Demi for him over the phone. Apparently, he's a big fan of breaking things off over the phone since he dumped Taylor Swift over a phone conversation that didn't even last 30 seconds. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out he couldn't last 30 seconds at other things. One source, who probably has the same last name as Joe, says, "He didn't have the heart to do it in person," For someone who has their dad break off a relationship with their significant other, it sounds like he didn't have the testicles either.

Booby Trap: Jesse James Wanted to Get Caught Cheating.

According to People, Jesse James says he wanted to get caught cheating because he knew it was what he deserved. I'm actually starting to see eye-to-eye with him. He admits to feeling horrible about cheating on Sandra Bullock. This is where we disagree. Granted, he should feel horrible. If he really wanted to sleep with someone with drawings on their face, I would have suggested going to a party where you can probably find a drunk college girl with penis sketches on her forehead. He also would have met someone who graduated high school, as well.

When asked why he cheated on Sandra, James says "It's hard for me to talk about, a little bit, because I still really love her and care about her." I don't speak douche bag, but I'm assuming that means "I can't find an excuse right now." I'm also assuming "her" refers to Sandra because I know douche bags have a tendency to mix up his mistress' names. On a sidenote, if someone calls themselves a "bombshell," there's a pretty good chance that you're fugly.

One source says James is thinking about moving to Austin, Texas to spend more time. Whatever that means. Hey Jesse, I know of a better place: Mars.

Porn Part Deux: Kendra Has Another Sex Tape.

Apparently Kendra Wilkinson made a sex tape a long time ago and it's now resurfaced. According to Star, the tape is going to be released at the end of May of this year. I didn't even know it was good enough to come out in theaters. The guy she made the sex tape with, Justin Frye, is Kendra's ex-boyfriend and responsible for releasing the tape. She broke up with Frye when he was around the age of 21 and then moved to the Playboy Mansion with her new boyfriend Hugh Hefner, who was in his 70's. Talk about trying new things. Or in this case old things. However, now she's married to pro NFL athlete Hank Bask and I'm not going to lie, I couldn't be anymore jealous.

Now, according to Radaronline.com, Kendra has another sex tape but this time it's with a girl. "This is really, really graphic and showing her in compromising positions; things you would think would be embarrassing for her," says one source, whose name probably starts with an "H" and ends with "olly Madison." First of all, if she's a former playboy bunny, I don't think she has anything to really be shy about. Second, who cares. It's no big secret that people are having sex. I've got Kendra's back on this one because I know I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of and I've slept with many people that wouldn't even touch me had I been sober.

Give It Arrest: Lindsay Lohan Misses Her Court Date

Lindsay Lohan, also known as Lindsay Loca, missed her court date on Thursday morning because she was stuck in Cannes, France. She was there promoting one of her movies where she starrs as some porn star. I bet she was in costume then. She couldn't make it back to Los Angeles because she allegedly had her passport stolen and believes her father, Michael Lohan, is involved. I would be in on stealing her passport,, too, if that mean she would be out of the United States a lot longer.

To make matters worse, Lindsay was partying all night long and was seen leaving a yacht at 7:30 Friday morning. Talk about having a good time. One of the partygoers says Lindsay was drinking vodka and there is a picture of Lindsay sitting next to a table with powder lines next to each other. When asked if it is cocaine, Lindsay says "that's a setup that's so untrue." Next thing you know she's going to say she's starting this new thing where she does her laundry at 2 in the morning.

Lindsay is scheduled to go to court on Monday morning and plans on landing in Los Angeles today around 7pm. Hopefully it's the same flight Osama Bin Laden is getting on.

Fake Hudson: Kate Hudson is Fine with Her Body

According to Us Weekly, Kate Hudson is "pretty comfortable with [her] body." According to Us Weekly, she also had a small breast augmentation. Obviously her and I have two different interpretations of the word 'comfortable.' She also mentions how she doesn't allow her son on the set of her new movie, The Killer Inside Me, where she plays some nude scenes, even though she grew up watching her mom, Goldie Hawn, and stepdad, Kurt Russell, in sex scenes. She says, "We always had a good perspective about sex. When you grow up with parents in showbiz who are loud and funny and the life of the party, you get pretty relaxed about that stuff." The life-of-the-party gene is probably one that skipps every other generation.

Demi A Break: Demi Lovato Talks About Her Relationship With Joe Jonas

It's no surprise that Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas are going out. It's also no surprise that either one of them is getting any action. In her interview with Us Weekly, Lovato says, "Every time that I've started to date someone, I've had private relationships, and there's just so much stress trying to hide it and keep it quiet, that if you just come out and say. 'Ok, we're together,' you don't have to worry about keeping it such a secret." First off, it's not called keeping a secret if no one really cares about your relationship status. Second, it's not a relationship if you guys do the same thing friends do. Maybe she doesn't know the difference between a boyfriend and a boy friend.

However, I am going to say that I am happy for her. Even if she isn't getting hot and heavy with celibacy addict, Joe Jonas, at least she upgraded herself from her previous relationship with Trace Cyrus. I actually had to Google him since I didn't know Miley had a brother or that Billy Rae could actually convince someone to have sex with him twice. If you don't know what he looks like, my best description would be Adam Lambert's ugly, younger brother.

BECA Bash Part Deux

This is an overview of what happened at BECA Bash. If you missed it, you're welcome.

A Raging Prattfall: Spencer Pratt Has Anger Problems

Us Weekly has an article about Spencer Pratt and how he's basically gone crazy. What else is new? If you've seen that show on VH1 called "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!" then it's no big secret that Mr. Pratt has the patience of a kindergartner... or Gary Coleman... who is also the size of a kindergartner. Spencer's former best friend, Brody Jenner says, "I actually think he's kind of lost it a little bit." First of all, nobody loses their mind only a little bit. That's called being weird. Second, it doesn't really take an interview from an old friend to realize that Spencer's crazy. He spent $400,000 on crystals. I have a feeling he might have mistaken them for crystal meth.

Heidi Montag: She's Going to Explode.

Ever since Heidi Montag underwent her 10 plastic surgery in one day, I haven't heard of one positive thing that's come up from it. If you watch The Hills, which probably has an audience the size of the cast, we all saw Heidi's mother express her disapproval of the procedure. Most of us who graduated high school know the show is probably as fake as Heidi. Aside from that, she also admitted in her interview with On the Air with Ryan Seacrest that she's "very weird about hugging people." I have a feeling people might be weird about hugging her. She also says now that her breasts are bigger, she doesn't go jogging anymore. I think that might be code for "why go jogging when I can get a tummy tuck?" After about 6 months of having gone through the $30,000 procedure, Montag is now admitting to Star that it could have been one of the worst decisions in her life. I want to reassure that it's only the second worst. Trying to become a singer is definitely her first.

In spite of her regret, Life & Style says she's ready to risk her life for more surgery. I don't think she knows that there isn't a surgery that can make your problems go away. Heidi's husband Spencer Pratt says she wants to enlarge her boobs even more. For some reason I feel like that is Spencer's idea. She allegedly wants to record the 2nd procedure and pitch it to a channel, like E! or Oxygen, says an insider. I wouldn't be surprised if the insider is Audrina Patridge.

Kristen Stewart Doesn't Kiss and Tell

In her interview with Elle, Kristen Stewart, that chick from Twilight, says she will never talk about her love life. She says that she's working hard to maintain her privacy and states "I can't be alone and I like being alone." With that in mind, I'm having trouble believing she has a love life. I think if she really wanted to be alone then maybe she should have thought a few things through before becoming an actress. Just a thought. She also talks about the paparazzi and says "they're  like thugs." Hey dumb ass, how about you take your antisocial attitude out of your Beverly Hills hotel room and drive thirty minutes to Compton. Then you'll find some thugs. You can also Google T.I.

Stewart also talks about how people criticize her behavior in public. She says that when she's on the red carpet people think she's miserable. "It’s not that I’m miserable, it’s just that somebody’s yelling at me…I literally, sometimes, have to keep myself from crying..." Lesson #1: if you have to keep yourself from crying in public, there's a pretty good chance you're miserable. She goes on to talk about how she acts when giving speeches. “I think it’s funny that when I go onstage to accept an award, they think I’m nervous, uncomfortable, and awkward—and I am—but those are bad words for them.” I'm not exactly a wordsmith and nor do I own a thesaurus, but I have seen Stewart accept an award and I think those words hit the nail on the head. Same goes for the term "basket case."

BECA Bash 2010

This video is for all BECA students at San Francisco State University. And anyone who wants a good laugh. You're welcome.