Luke, I Am Your Robber: Man Robs Bank in Darth Vader Costume

A man walked into a Chase branch bank in a Darth Vader costume and walked out with an unknown amount of money in Setauket, New York. Wherever the hell that is... He came in with a gun, which is pretty disappointing because I was hoping he would have a light saber, or maybe one of those laser guns. Apparently he was part of a series of bank robberies in the New York area. I think this guy might be pushing his luck if he thinks he isn't going to get caught after robbing more than one bank. Also, earlier this week a man was arrested for robbing a bank while having some flowers and a potted plant. I don't know how the hell he managed to rob a bank with a boquet of flowers. The only person more stupid than the flower robber is the person who let him get away with the money. The only time you need to be threatened by a flower is when you're playing Super Mario Brothers.

Photo: FotoPedia

Liar, Liar. Unretired: Amanda Bynes Doesn't Want To Retire Anymore.

If any of you follow Amanda Bynes on Twitter, you can see that she recently announced how she is retiring from her acting career. Even more recently, she announced that she is unretiring from her acting career. She almost had me for a minute... Along with all of her stupid tweets, she writes about those close to her and says "If you love someone and don't know how to say it try #cryptictweeting." I have a feeling that none of her hundreds of thousands of followers understood that quote. More of Stupid's tweets talk about being heartbroken, missing someone, and not making "someone a priority if you're only an option." Obviously, she's been spending hours on Facebook looking through all of someone's profile pictures, who won't accept her friend request. Her stupidest tweet, however, has got to be when she tweeted "if you're in love and you don't want anyone else get married immediately." If the whole world followed this rule, many 7th grade boys would be getting married to their right hands right about now and the rest would be marrying cucumbers.


Photo: E Online

No, No, No: Simon Gets Sued For Saying Lady Can't Sing

If you watch this video, you will see how idiotic this lady is. She auditions for that British Version of American Idol show and bombs. I don't even know what to say to this lady. Better noises have come out of my mouth when I took a black man home with me after a weekend of heavy drinking and ecstasy pills. Then, she has the nerve to restart the song twice. Restarting the song is a big no-no, not even Whitney Houston can do that anymore with her coked-out voice. The only thing that I can think of that was longer than this lady's audition was her two ten-inch tities.

Now, she wants to sue Simon Cowell for telling her that she's a horrible singer. She makes the claim that the show hires people to deliberately bomb an audition. If this is the case, then she is a lot worse than I thought. If you can't even be hired to bomb an audition, then I don't know what the hell you can be good at. 

Video: E! Online

Get Em Tiger!: Tiger Woods is the Richest Athlete

According to Sports Illustrated's "Fortunate 50" list of the richest athletes, Tiger Woods made number one. No wonder he was getting so much ass. This whole time I've been going after the basketball players. In '09, he earned $20 million in sports winnings alone and in '10 he earned $70 million in endorsements. I think endorsements is code for earnings from mistresses. Because of the sex scandal, Woods earned $10 million less than last year, but is still earning the most money for the seventh year in a row. I guess it's safe to say that he's also having an affair with a few editors that work for Sports Illustrated, as well.

Photo: Makli

Dirty Business: Store Receives Complaints For Nude Mannequin

In Beatrice, Nebraska, residents are complaining about a nearly almost nude mannequin at a store called Hanna's Treasures, which sounds like a sex shop, if you ask me. The mannequin had on nothing but a pair of pants around its ankles along with a pair of shoes. I've been through the same situation only it involves more alcohol and waking up next to someone very unfortunate-looking. After hearing all of the complaints the store owner, Kevin Kramer, decided to dress the mannequin in a two-piece bikini. Kramer's lawyer, Dustin Garrison, argues, "I think we've all gone into a department store and seen a naked mannequin at one point in our lives." He's right. Why the hell would anyone complain about a naked mannequin? They don't want their kids to see it? If that's the case, I'd like to let them know that if their children haven't seen a naked manneuqin, I'm sure they've seen a naked something. I remember when I was four, I would go to my neighbors house and undress all of her barbie dolls. Lucky for me, she had a Ken doll, too.

Photo: Wold Fitness Notebook

Playboy Playtime: Hugh Hefner Talks About Sex Life

Hugh Hefner tells the New York Times how his sex life works with the playmates and Viagra. One word: eew. He claims that he doesn't use a lot of Viagra, but that it does help at the age of 84. At 84, I think the only thing that can help my sex life is a vibrator. Former playboy bunny, Kendra Wilkinson, talks about having an orgy with Hefner and all of the other playmates. "One of the girls asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to Hef's room... It seemed like every other girl was going, and if I didn't it would be weird. One by one, each girl hopped on Hef and had sex with him... for about a minute." Looks like the Viagra doesn't help out that much, minute man. Another former playboy bunny, Jill Ann Spaulding also describes an orgy with Hefner saying, "Hef just lies there with his Viagra erection. It's just a fake erection, and each girl gets on top of him for two minutes while the girls in the background try to keep him excited..." I have a boyfriend a lot like Hef. His name is Blow-Up Doll.

Photo: Manny the Movie Guy

Dumb Ass of the Year: Lady Gets Arrested for Sending Herself Text Threats

Jeanne Mundango Manunga, or who I like to call Down Syndrome, was arrested in Santa Ana, California for sending threatening text messages to herself. She started sending the texts after she stopped dating her boyfriend. She blamed the texts on him and his sister-in-law. Apparently, Down Syndrome sent over one hundred text messages and started in 2008. Talk about commitment. First of all, how does someone do that? I wouldn't be surprised if Down Syndrome used the same phone to send AND receive the text messages. Second, where does she think she's going with this little episode of hers? Maybe she's watched Swimfan too many times.

Photo: Bloomberg Businessweek

Not So Popular: Khloe Talks About Her Amazon Life

In her interview with OK!, Khloe Kardashian talks about her life with Lamar, her sisters, and her personality. I know, I know. So... exciting... But I had to write a blog about the article to show you how stupid she is. When asked when she took her last vacation, she said it was last April for Kourtney's birthday when they went to Mexico. Uum hello! She only had a show where she took Miami. I understand she was there to take care of her store called Douche, or whatever, but it's fucking Miami. That city is in Spring Break mode all year. When asked what her last chore was that she did, she said it was making her bed. I really wish they could have asked Lamar what his last chore was. I wouldn't be surprised if his answer was "listening to Khloe." When asked when the last time she was mistaken for a celebrity, Khloe shares when she was younger she was told she resembled Mandy Moore. She adds that she took it as a compliment, but hasn't been mistaken for her for years and says "I don't know what that means." Well, I may not be the brightest light in the room, but my guess is that it means you've grown into a 6'50 amazon, which is nothing like Mandy Moore. If I mistook Khloe for any celebrity it would probably be China, that female wrestler. Google her. When asked when the last time she felt starstruck, Khloe tells the story of when she met Stevie Wonder and how he told them how much he loves Lamar. Note: he did not mention loving Khloe.

Photo: Bitten and Bound

Doggy Style: Lady Tapes Dog to a Fridge

Abby Toll is spending 30 days in jail for taping her boyfriend's dog to a refrigerator. Good thing she wasn't Chinese. Then she probably would have taped it inside the oven. First she used hair ties and tape to close the mouth shut and then used more to tie the limbs together. After that, she taped the dog to the fridge upside down. She says she did it to get back at her boyfriend for paying more attention to the dog instead of her. I don't exactly know how she thought this would be the perfect way to get back at her man. If it were me, I probably would have abandoned it at a park or maybe even feed it some chocolate. I'm not evil. I promise. The dog is a Shiba Inu as pictured above. How can you say no to a face like that? Don't you just want to take him to your room with a jar of peanut butter?

Photo: Stock Xchng

Lethal Weapon: Mel Gibson is the New Chris Brown

Before I begin this blog, I want to let my readers (if there are any) know that the title of this blog is definitely a fat middle finger to Chris Brown. After reading this, I hope everyone can agree that what Chris Brown did is nothing compared to what Mel Gibson has done, confirmed or alleged.

Mel Gibson is being put under investigation for a domestic violence complaint made by his girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. For the sake of preventing future spelling errors, Oksana will now be called O.G. Around early January of this year, Mel Gibson allegedly punched O.G. in the face and knocked two of her front teeth out. I hope she decided to get some gold teeth as replacements. Maybe one can have the letter "O" on it and the other one can have a "G."

O.G. also recorded Mel Gibson verbally abusing her and using racial epithets. He calls O.G. a bitch, a cunt, and a whore. All of which are words that I enjoy being called between the sheets. However, one thing I can not stand for is racism. After belittling O.G. for wearing sleazy clothing, Gibson says "and if you get raped by a pack of ni**ers it will be your fault. Alright? Because you provoked it. You are provocatively dressed all the time with your fake boobs that you feel you have to show off." Let's get one thing straight here. We've all used the 'N' word one time or another. Hell, though I'm full blooded Nicaraguan, I feel the need to say the word since I have some black (men) inside me from time to time (get it?). However, I think it's safe to say that Mel didn't use the word as a form of humor or respect. As if that didn't get me heated enough, I later find out that he called one of his Latino workers a "wetback." It's people like him that make religious people look bad. Just like all of those Christian republicans using glory holes in airport bathrooms.

Photo: Stupid Celebrities Gossip

Clean Up Time: Janitor Finds Snake in Locker

In Newton, Massachusetts a high school janitor was cleaning out a locker when a 3-foot python fell by his feet. In case you don't know, that's about the equivalent of three African-American penises put together. At first, the janitor thought it was a coin purse. I don't exactly know what kind of coin purses this fool has seen, but if I saw a snake, I'd probably mistake it for a pile of shit before a coin purse. At second glance, he thought it was a rubber snake. He probably just said this to prevent himself from looking like an idiot. I should let him know that it's okay. Janitors aren't exactly known for their wisdom, but more for their ethnicity. However, I underestimate him. When the snake coiled into attack mode, the janitor grabbed the python behind its head, as seen on T.V. Thank God for the Discovery Channel. He thinks the snake was left in there as a prank so he took a notebook, which had a student's name on it, from the locker and turned it in to the principal. What a tattletale.

Iron Man: Son Holds Mom Hostage for Not Ironing Clothes

In Villa Rica, Georgia a 29-year-old son forced his 51-year-old mother to stay in the house. Allegedly, he pulled out a gun and took away her keys and cell phones. All of this drama because his mother did not iron his clothes. Talk about putting you're foot down. He demanded that his mother iron his clothes because it's "woman's work" but if you ask me it sounds like an excuse to admit that he doesn't know how to iron a shirt without burning himself. Somehow, the mother managed to escape and go to a police station to turn her son in. The police also took the son out of the house without resistance. Obviously this guy is retarded. Sounds a lot like my friend Billy Ray Cyrus.

Cat Fight: Katy Perry Criticizes Miley Cyrus

In her interview with Life and Style, Katy Perry talks about how she saw Miley Cyrus performing on the Much Music Awards. I didn't even know there was an event called the Much Music Awards. Katy Perry has reason to believe that Miley Cyrus is going to be the next Britney Spears. Well, that's a fat middle finger to Britney Spears' face. We all know Britney had the decency to lose her virginity at 14. When asked if she was mistaking Britney for Lindsay Lohan, Katy says "No, she's definitely headed the Britney route. It's worse. Look at those outfits. It's bad." Katy Perry is obviously an idiot. Everybody knows that Lindsay Lohan is doing a lot worse than Britney has ever done. And I never knew someone could have their future foretold by the way they dress. So what if she's 17? Girls her age are getting pregnant and if you're from Tennessee like Miley Cyrus then you're probably getting married to your cousin Billy Joe. I think Miley Cyrus is in pretty good shape. I love Katy Perry, too, but she's not exactly very conservative when it comes to her being naked in videos or writing songs about kissing girls.

Photo: E Online

Summer Vacation: Lindsay in Jail for 90 Days.

It's been a pretty shitty time for Lindsay Lohan dealing with all of her court appearances, or lack thereof, and it just got shittier. Lindsay is being sentenced to 90 days in jail and when she's out she has to go to an inpatient rehabilitation program for another 90 days. Hopefully the program will also help her stop smelling like cigarettes and redbull. When the judge asked her how much time she spent in jail, Lohan said, "a lot!" She actually spent 84 minutes. I guess she can't tell the difference between minutes and days. She then had the nerve to say she thought she was in compliance with the law. She probably misheard "the law" for "the lie." She missed 9 alcohol ed classes, drank alcohol with a SCRAM bracelet on, and missed one of her court dates. She is definitely getting her money's worth when it comes to drugs. She claims that it's been hard for her to follow up with her court mandates and still have time to make a living. I don't exactly know what Lindsay's doing to get money, but I have a feeling it's her mom.

Photo: Technorati

What a Hit: George Michael Crashes... Again.

George Michael is apparently a hot mess. Back in 2007, he got his license taken away for obstructing a traffic light and police found him under the influence of a variety of drugs. I think I just made a new friend. Then, last August, Michael crashed his range rover into a 7 ton truck, but he wasn't charged for anything. I'm guessing he can give a hell of a blow job then. This past Sunday, George Michael crashed his car into the front of a store called Snappy Snaps. With a name like that I think the store deserves destruction. Thank you, George Michael. I can't really get mad at this man. If i was responsible enough to get my license I know that I would have been in just as many crashes, if not more, in three years, myself. I'm not old enough to really know who George Michael is, but I know one thing is for sure: he really knows how to party. He also released an apology statement saying "I want to apologize to my fans for screwing up again, and to promise them I'll sort myself out. And to say sorry to everybody else, just for boring them," It's okay, George. I don't think you have fans anymore.

Photo: Eat Sleep Celebrity