Wild Support: Salma Hayek's Husband Talks About Child Support

Before he married Salma Hayek in 2009, Francois-Henri Pinault had a child with some lady in 2006. The kid is now 4 years old and the mother claims that he hasn't been making his son apart of his life and hasn't been paying child support. Pinault claims that the kid has been very involved with him and even his family, including his sister Valentina and even Hayek. However, the mother demands $46,000 in child support. This bitch needs to calm down. My mom doesn't even make that in a year and I turned out completely fine. A bit famished at times, but fine, nonetheless. I don't know why she's asking for such a large amount unless she gave birth to an identical twin who came in the form of a mortgage. I want to know what the hell she is doing to support her own son. I hate it when women depend on their ex-husbands for money. Make your own damn money! If my mom depended on my dad for money, I'd probably be missing all my front teeth and dancing for pennies on the 101 freeway exit.

Photo: People

Lo Calorie Diet: Ali Lohan Has A Dramatic Transformation

Apparently, there's been a lot of buzz about Linsdsay Lohan's sister, Ali Lohan, being underweight. Ginger Lohan took to Twitter to say, "I love how haters pick on my sister yet every runway model is just as thin! My sister is gorgeous and I'm so proud of her and her career!!!!" Thank god she put four exclamation points because I don't think she would have driven her point across with only one. Also on Ali's side is her publicist because what kind of publicist is going to tell the media that one of their clients has an eating disorder? Ali's publicist, Steve Honig says, "Aliana has never had any plastic surgery in her life, nor has she ever considered it." Even her modeling agency got in on the argument claiming, "As a young girl who is growing up, it's natural for her facial features to change slightly, and we see this with many of the younger models we represent." The representative for the agency, Alexis Borges, adds, "We take pastoral care of our models very seriously and encourage the models to maintain a healthy lifestyle and body shape." I don't know what pastoral care is, but I'm assuming it's preventing Ali from participating in happy hour and ordering five crunch wrap supremes from Taco Bell afterward. I don't know whether Ali had surgery or just isn't eating, but a nutritionist told Radaronline.com that she is probably suffering from anorexia. Dr. Majid Ali feels “She is very underweight. By looking at her cheekbones you can tell that she has muscle wasting going on ... She may binge and purge plus calorie restrict.” I'm definitely going to take the doctor's word over Lindsay's, especially since her daily calorie intake is around negative 2 pounds.

Photo: Pop on the Pop

No Thank Jew: People Say No To Mel Gibson Making Maccabee Movie

Mel Gibson is getting a lot of negative opinions about him making a movie about Judah Maccabee, a prominent Jewish icon in history. Rabbi Marvin Hier is offended that someone who is notorious for accused anti-semitism is making a film about Maccabee and says, "Mel Gibson is no Maccabee." Thank you, Captian Obvious. Also, the Anti-Defamation League is asking Warner Bros to take Gibson out of the project and believe, "As a hero of the Jewish people and a universal hero in the struggle for religious liberty, Judah Maccabee deserves better.” Before I go on, I don't know who the Anti-Defamation League is, but they sound like a pile of buzzkills. Just because you put 'league' at the end of your name, doesn't make it cool. It's for athletes and superheroes like Superman. In spite of the quote from a nerdy bunch, I have to agree with them and the rabbi. I think it's very oxymoronic that Mel Gibson is making a movie about Jews. That's like Amy Winehouse writing a song about rehab. Uh oh...

Photo: Sofa King Drunk

She Fangs! She Fangs!: Woman Attacks Disabled Man Like A Vampire

A self-proclaimed vampire is arrested after attacking a man in a wheelchair outside of a Hooters in Florida. The man in the wheelchair, Milton Ellis, was asleep on the floor outside of a Hooters porch when vampire lady, Josephine Smith, got on top of him and started biting his neck and face then ran away. Ellis managed to get back on his wheelchair and call police from a nearby Shell gas station. Ellis said Smith was fully clothed when he last saw her, but police found her half-naked on the Hooters porch covered in Ellis' blood. This is another reason why I hate Twilight. Ever since that stupid movie came out, everything has been going downhill from there. First they started making Twilight condoms, then people decided they want to launch a vampire cruise next summer, and now this. This never would've happened if this guy had just laid off of the buffalo wings and ordered garlic bread instead.

Photo: All Weird News

Hitch Hiker's Dumb: Attempted Carjacker Gets A Ride To The Police Station

A man in Kansas City, Missouri was arrested for trying to carjack a woman by jumping on the hood of her car. Apparently, Dionette Price, the attempted carjacker, had a loaded gun on him and threatened the woman, Rayna Garret, that he would "blow her head off" if she didn't continue driving. Garret came up with the bright idea of driving to the police station. Talk about thinking outside the box. When she arrived to the station, she ran into a garage where Price jumped off of the car and abandoned the scene. Garret told police and officers found him at a bus stop. I'm assuming he was looking for another ride. I think Price's first mistake is that he decided to jump on the hood of the car. I'm not a convicted felon or anything, but if I really wanted to borrow someone's car, I'd take my mom's keys without asking. His second mistake is obviously that he was caught at a bus stop. I don't know if he was trying to call it a night or if he was trying to remake the movie Speed starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves.

Photo: Daily Dumbass

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You Can't Handle The Tooth!: Evan Rachel Wood Loses A Tooth While Partying

Evan Rachel Wood of True Blood was partying in Paris this week and apparently she lost a tooth. She was attending a nightclub and while in the middle of the dance floor she was elbowed in the face by a nearby patron. How the hell is she going to bite anyone in the neck now? No one is going to take her seriously with one fang. Luckily, she met with a dentist to replace the missing tooth. Wednesday, the day after she lost her tooth, was her birthday. So all she wants for her 24th are her two front teeth. Maybe she should just do what Tara Reid did and just super glue it back on. Honestly, i shouldn't be making fun of Ms. Wood because I've lost my teeth at a party before. Twice. The first time, they were flushed down a toilet and the second time, I don't have any memory for that incident. Both times, however, it made me do something I thought I'd never do: keep my mouth shut.

Photo: Dose

One Tequila, Sue Tequila: Betheny Frankel Sued For False Advertising

Reneta Bonar is suing Betheny Frankel and Beam Global Spirits for the Skinnygirl Margarita recipe because it makes false statements about its health claims. Bonar is suing Frankel and the company for $5 million and demands a change in its advertising. I don't know what the $5 million is for, but not even I spend that much money on alcohol. Beam Global Spirits say the lawsuit is pointless and believe the Skinnygirl Margarita "meets the highest quality standards." Frankel wrote on her website that the cocktail follows the FDA regulations, which is why it continues to sell. She says, "We would not sell anything I personally don't drink. I'm a natural foods chef and health is a top priority for me and my family." Health is also a top priority for me, which is why I drink so much. I don't understand why this Bonar bitch is so mad. I'd hate to break it to her, but alcohol isn't known for it's health benefits. I'm assuming she's pissed off because she's been knockin' back these Skinnygirls and she's still a big o' fat ass. Newsflash: you're probably a fat ass because you missed the gym from being too hungover.

Picture: Zimbio

Return To Sender: Craig Ferguson Receives A Death Threat

Someone sent Craig Ferguson, host of The Late Late Show on CBS, a death threat letter by putting a white substance in an envelope and sending it to his studio. It turns out that substance wasn't toxic or even dangerous so we can rule out the substance from being anthrax or laundry detergent for Hugh Hefner's crab-infested bath robe. Although the substance wasn't life threatening, there was an attached letter that threatened Ferguson's life. Two people who came into contact with the substance had to be quarantined and police believe the letter came from Europe. If it came from France we can rule out deodorant since nobody in that country uses it.

Another incident happened at the Dancing With The Stars studio last November. Though police never made a connection, a source claims a death threat was made for Bristol Palin while she was on the CBS reality competition. It turned out someone sent talcum powder in an attempt to make it look like anthrax. I wouldn't be surprised if CBS was sending the wrong substances to the wrong departments when they actually meant to send cocaine to Charlie Sheen.

Photo: The SOP

Drags, Not Drugs; Amy Winehouse Didn't Die From Narcotics

Amy Winehouse's toxicology report shows that she did not have any illegal drugs in her system at the time of death. However, she did have alcohol in her system, which is no surprise since we all saw her performances in Sudan and Dubai. I love Amy Winehouse's album and I could listen to it all day. The only thing better than listening to Amy Winehouse's music on iTunes is listening to it live while she's blacked out, but I digress. Those doing the report have not determined whether alcohol caused Winehouse's death, but some are theorizing that she died from quitting alcohol cold turkey. I may not be smarter than a 5th grader, but if she quit cold turkey, then why the fuck did she have alcohol in her system. I'm not going to lie. I assumed, like the majority of everyone else who heard the news, that Winehouse died from a drug overdose. Now that I've been proven wrong, I think we should all agree that she died from smoking a carton of Camels each day. I'll be damned if that didn't play a role in her death. Can you imagine she died of something that no one would ever expect, like overeating or being sober? That would make my day.

Photo: Smoking Sides

Urine Trouble: Actor Pees On The Aisle Of A Plane.

Last night, Gerard Depardieu peed on the aisle of a plane because he couldn't wait to go to the bathroom. The plane was getting ready for take-off so he couldn't leave his seat until the pilot said the coast is clear. Instead of disobeying requests, Depardieu did the next best thing and peed in the middle of the aisle in front of surrounding passengers. Talk about thinking outside of the box. I'm not a huge fan of piss unless I'm at a slumber party and I'm putting one of my friend's hands in a bowl of warm water. Not only is this gross, but it only proves my point how French people are the most annoying people to sit next to on a plane. After kids. On my flight from LAX to Fiji, I sat next to a French lady who got mad at me because I accidentally kicked her foot. Maybe she was having a bad day or maybe she just didn't like the smell of my feet when I took off my shoes. In my defense, I was trying to make the plane smell better since the French don't wear deodorant. Either way, while she was sleeping, I decided to leave a little gift on my way to the bathroom by farting in her face.

Photo: Mix 96 KMYX