Under the Influence: Jon Stewart Voted 'Most Influential Man'

Askmen.com did a poll asking who the most influential man is and listed the top 49. Honestly, I don't think anyone is more deserving of #1 than Jon Stewart, except for Nelly since he's black and we all know I love black men. But I think it's fine that Stewart made #1 since most men don't look at black rappers the way I do. However, one black rapper who I think doesn't deserve a spot is Kanye West, who got #5. Whoever is influenced by Mr. West might want to reevaluate their priorities. I'm glad Stephen Colbert made the list, but I definitely think he deserves a spot higher than #11. Maybe #10.5. My chocolate president, Barack Obama, made #21, which I'm very surprised because I had a feeling there would be a lot of dumb men who wouldn't vote him on the list and put other stupid men, such as Allen Iverson or Madonna. My favorite man on the list is Steve Slater. He's the guy who gave a fat middle finger to Jet Blue when he decided to leave the plane after saying 'enough is enough, girlfriend!' He made the #48 spot. I'm sure you're all wondering who made last place and I have to say no one deserves this spot more than Russell Brand because I'm sure AskMen.com ran out of male celebrities to put on the list.

Photo: News Real Blog

Carni-Whore: Pam Anderson Poses for PETA Campaign

PETA is launching a campaign to start getting people to go veagan, which I think is really stupid. Don't get me wrong. I love animals, but I love to eat them, too. I understand that they have good intentions, but sometimes you gotta say no. First of all, animals die. I'm going to eat them one way or another. Secondly, vegans fart too much. Not to say that I don't fart. In fact, I enjoy a few releases here and there because they're funny. However, like everything else, too much of anything is not good. Anywho, so they got Pam Anderson to pose for their campaign in a bikini. I didn't see that one coming... They divided her and her fake body into meat portions, labeling the breast, the legs, the rump, etc. all to encourage people stop eating meat. Okay so I'm not very smart, but I'm guessing the target audience for the ad are men and manly lesbians. I don't know about you guys but they're sexualizing meat. If men and manly lesbians want Pam Anderson and Pam Anderson is representing meat in the ad, it's only going to make men and manly lesbians want meat even more. I know damn well if they had a picture of LL Cool J in his underwear, I'm going to want all the meat in the world, including his.

Photo: Heat World

Who's Da (F-)Bomb?: Cat Deeley Swears On Live TV (Hi 5)

               

Anyone who knows me knows I love the "F" word, and if you know me really well then you know that what I love even more is to perform it. Watch this video of Cat Deeley host live TV and drop the F-bomb. It's beautiful.

Tru Blood: "I Love New York 2" Contestant Sentenced For Murder Charges

Do you guys remember that guy on VH1's "I Love New York 2" who was nicknamed 'Milliown'? Me either. You think I would because he's black, but I guess I wasn't watching the show. I was probably too busy maintaining my self-respect. Well the guy's real name is Jamal Rashead Trulove and after hearing that, I'm not going to lie, he sounds a little bit hotter. Anywho, he apparently has been sentenced for murdering some fool in Sunnyvale, CA. If you don't know where that is, it's about an hour south of San Francisco. Not only does he sound like my type, but he was under my brown little nose and probably under the sights of my brown little eye, too. The only reason why police confirmed Trulove as the killer was because an eyewitness recognized him on the TV show. Trulove shot his victim 3 times in the back and 6 times in the head. I climaxed after reading that part of the report but was disappointed to find out that the shooting involved a gun.

Photo: E! Online

Katy Scary: If You're Retarded, You Can Be Katy Perry For Halloween

Halloween is around the corner and I'm actually pretty excited about all the costumes that everyone can have this year. At first, all of the new costume ideas were fine, but the more I find out about these costumes, the more out-of-hand it's becoming. First, there was Lady GaGa, which makes sense because what gay guy doesn't want to be her for a day? Then there was Jersey Shore, which sounds like an okay idea if only the costumes would come with complementary cocaine. Now I just found out that you can be Katy Perry, too. If you've seen her music video for "California Girls" then I'm sorry you had to see her put whip cream cans on her boobs and shoot out icing like her tits just climaxed. Anywho, that is the Katy Perry that everyone can dress up as this year, cupcake tits and all. In all honesty, I don't see how she can encourage people to have cupcake tits when she criticizes Miley Cyrus for dressing too old for her age. Either way, I don't want to be Katy Perry for halloween this year. I'm practically her every day. First of all, everyone tells me "Ur So Gay," every time I get drunk I turn into a lesbian and tell people how "I Kissed A Girl," and I'll never forget being double-teamed after "Waking Up In Vegas." Get on my level, bitch.

Photo: The Cupcake Diary

Money Out The Banks: Mother of a "Sex Addict" Sues Tyra Banks

A mother is suing Tyra Banks for allowing her 15-year-old daughter to be on her show without parental consent. The daughter, Jewel Ciera Washington, went online and saw that the show was looking for "sex addicts" and responded to the ad. The show contacted her on her cell phone where she was picked up from her Georgia home, flew to New York, and stayed in a hotel all without her mom knowing. I don't know how she managed to get away, but I sure could have used a few tips from her when I was in middle school. According to Heat World, Jewel returned home to an angry family and group of friends. She obviously needs to find a new group of friends because I would have been the first one to give her a hi 5. The lawsuit also says she has never been diagnosed as a sex addict and the main concern is the breach to the girl's privacy because the show was "undoubtedly watched by sexual deviants, perverts and pedophiles alike." That is so stupid. The "Tyra Banks Show" is a daytime talk show. Everyone knows pedophiles are in their cars parked in front of a middle school during that hour. Right, Michael Jackson? Uh-oh...

Photo: For Ladies, By Ladies

Leave Me A-Lohan: Michael Lohan Wants to Get Drunk To See Lindsay

I don't know what it is about the Lohans being in the news all the time, but for some reason I can't get away from them. It's always Lindsay doing this and snorting that, but when she's behaving herself like a good little redhead, her father, Michael Lohan always has to come out of his commando cage and get the attention. When he's not doing anything, then we can all depend on Lindsay's mother, Dina Lohan, to talk shit about Michael or get kicked out of ice cream parlors. Either way, by the laws of physics, for every Lohan that is in hiding, there is an equal and stupider Lohan in the tabloids.

Lindsay has been in a rehab clinic in some town in California for a bit and Michael has been trying to visit her. He went to visit her last Thursday but was rejected by security after they told him visiting hours were over. Then, he went another time asking if he was on some sort of blacklist, which he wasn't, and asked to be apart of the family counseling that Lindsay has to participate in. Now, he's claiming he's going to make one more visit and if Lindsay refused to see him, he's going to deliberately get drunk and request admission into the same clinic as her. Talk about a bright idea. What a sacrifice it must be to become drunk again. I don't understand where he's getting these ideas. I don't think he understands that nobody, including Lindsay, really wants to see his face. Including rehab clinics.

Photo: The Inquisitr

Taking Deaths: T.I. Talks Man Out of Suicide

T.I., one of my many chocolate bunny favorites, was listening to Ryan Cameron's V103 radio show based in Atlanta and heard there was a man on top of their building who wanted to jump off. When T.I. heard the news, he called the radio station and asked if there was anything he could do to prevent the man from jumping off the 22-story building. I, as the jumper, could have came up with some pretty creative ideas for T.I. Cameron asked T.I. to come over where he made a video saying "Nothing is that bad. Nothing in life is worth taking your life. I'm here to help you. Please come down to talk to me." Had I seen that video, I would've been in the lobby in a minute. Naked.

Aside from saving lives, T.I. is due in court this Friday to face the music about violating his probation by getting arrested for drug possession. If only I was the judge that had the responsibility of sentencing T.I. I would open my heart, open my legs, and sentence him to the same work-release program as Montana Fishburne.

Photo: BET

Can You Pay My Bills?: Melissa Etheridge Isn't Feeding Her Ex-Wife

So I guess Melissa Etheridge married and divorced some lunatic named Tammy Lynn Michaels and obviously she sounds like a hot mess. Etheridge filed for separation and joint custody of their twins. At the same time, Michaels wanted financial support from Etheridge, but Etheridge's lawyer is rejecting the idea. Then, Michaels decided to try to take action in her own hands and file for her own divorce and ask for FULL custody of the twins. Her first mistake is filing for full custody when she's also asking Etheridge to support her. Why the hell would she ask for support of her damn twins when she can't even support herself? Second mistake: she filed for divorce as a married couple when her and Etheridge were not even married. They shared a domestic partnership. After that, Michaels' and her lawyer are complaining that Etheridge left Michaels and their twins with only $4. Michaels' lawyer continues to say Etheridge is not treating Michaels like a wife. I'm guessing that's because they're getting a divorce. However, Etheridge's lawyer says Etheridge is paying ten of thousands of dollars in monthly expenses for Michaels, which I believe because it sounds like she's the only one with all the money. The best part is Michaels' dumb ass asked for Etheridge to pay for her legal fees. Luckily, the court ruled that Etheridge has been paying for food, housing, school and all the other necessities that Michaels and the twins need to live.

There's something that obviously needs to be said here. I don't care who you are, whether you're a celebrity, or a celebrity's ex-wife, or just a stupid mistress, you need to learn how to make your own money. I hate when dumb asses, like Michaels or Michael Douglass' ex-wife, complain that they aren't getting enough money. Make your own damn money. Either that or close your legs or stop having kids or else you're going to end up like Octomom.

Photo: TMZ

Screamo: David Arquette and Courtney Cox Separate [oh no...]

Everybody's crying about the separation between Courteney Cox and David Arquette. I go on Twitter today and it's all over my news feed. Even OK! magazine found out about it so obviously it got everywhere. To be honest, I don't see what the big frickin' deal is. First of all, I hate when people get all happy over celebrity couples and get all sad when they break up. Second, I don't think anyone really cared that the two got together in the first place so I don't know why everyone's making a big deal now. They released a stupid statement about their divorce and I'm just going to copy and paste because I didn't feel like reading all of it nor do I want to paraphrase it. "We have agreed to a trial separation that dates back for some time. The reason for this separation is to better understand ourselves and the qualities we need in a partner and for our marriage, [...] We remain best friends and responsible parents to our daughter and we still love each other deeply. As we go though this process we are determined to use kindness and understanding to get through this together. We are comfortable with the boundaries that we have established for each other during this separation and we hope that our friends, family, fans and the media also show us respect, dignity, understanding and love at this time as well," If you ask me, it sounds like a rehearsed speech. Either way, I don't see the point of a separation. I'd rather get straight to the point and get a divorce so I can have sex with new people already and not feel bad about it. One surprising part about this story is that Arquette has already been getting close with someone while there is no news of Cox [lmao] seeing someone. According to TMZ, Arquette has been getting intimate with Jasmine Waltz who is famous for punching Lindsay Lohan on her birthday. People are getting famous for the stupidest shit these days. I'm disappointed because I thought Cox would be the first one to be seeing someone else, like one of the Jonas brothers or Justin Bieber.

Photo: The Bosh

Teen Dummy: "Teen Mom"'s Amber Portwood Is Dating a Sex Offender

Amber Portwood of MTV's Teen Mom has been having a couple of issues with the media lately. Recently, her and her baby daddy, Gary Shirley, are having their relationship put under investigation by Child Protective Services because of domestic abuse. Apparently, there was an episode where Amber can be seen hitting Gary several times in front of their daughter, Leah. Welcome to life. The footage also shows Amber yelling and Gary not fighting back. The yelling part I can understand, but Gary not fighting back seems a little strange to me. Either way, Amber moved on to bigger (or in this case, smaller) and better things and found someone new. She met a new man named Chris Hossman at the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart. How romantic. However, recent news reports are revealing that Hossman was convicted for child molesting on March 21, 2005 and released October 6, 2006. First of all, this was 5 years ago that this happened. There's no reports saying that Hossman did the crime a second time. Better yet, he seems more sane than most people I know giving people jesus juice and hanging their kids off of balconies. Second, if it was 5 years ago, that means Hossman who is now 27 was 22 at the time. I get the feeling that "child molesting" was probably him dating a 16-year-old girl. Guys his age in Indiana never date girls their own age. Give him a break. Either way, this is the reason why I never go on dates anymore. I don't care about your past. I don't care about your future. The first thing I want to know is: are you good in bed? If you take a look at Amber's ex-boyfriend and Hossman, then she's probably taking a step in the right direction.

Photo: Babble

Trick or Meat: Dress As Lady GaGa or Jersey Shore For Halloween

Party City, the company that sells stupid costumes every year for Halloween made some pretty ridiculous costumes this year. Of course they kept it classic by keeping some of the same costumes, such as the slutty cop, the slutty nurse, and the slutty vampire, but this year they added a couple of pretty good ones. First off, you can dress as a cast member from Jersey Shore, but only Pauly D, Snooki, or the Situation. I don't know if there are anymore cast members. Hopefully this comes with complementary drugs and alcohol. If so, then I'm definitely interested in being Pauly D. or the Situation this year. I would like to be Snooki, but I doubt that costume will come with any cocaine or ecstasy. If you've seen Snooki's waist line recently, you'll understand. Aside from them you can also be Lady GaGa this year. Trick-or-treaters can choose from Pokerface Lady GaGa, Telephone Lady GaGa, or VMA performance Lady GaGa. I was a little disappointed to find out that the meat dress wasn't an option. I was hoping I could two birds with one stone by getting a costume and food for the barbecue in one place. After looking at the Party City website, it says that the Lady GaGa outfits are only available for women. However, I have no doubt that there will be more gay men tucking in their penises pretending to be Lady GaGa then there will women. I'm sure lots of female college students are going to be buying lots of costumes for their gay friends this year. Whether I have a costume or not, I know this year I'm going to be the Lady GaGa that got drunk and only remembered to put on half of her outfit at a baseball game.

Photo: Party City

Frank Farter: I Just Found Out My German Roommate Farts A Lot

I was on Twitter today and one of the people that I follow is OMG Facts. It's a website that tells people a bunch of shocking facts like a woman who had sex with 919 men in 12 hours to stupid shit like pyramids used to be white. Either way, I saw a fact that said the average farts about 14 times a day. Now I consider myself someone who farts more than the average person, but I never imagined myself farting 14 times every day. Then again, who's counting? The report also said if you want to cut down on farting eat less diary products and fatty food. This would explain a lot since cereal is the only thing I know how to cook and I spend half my paychecks on McDonald's. Either way, I've been thinking a lot about this and it made me realize how my German roommate, Sabine, must fart more than I do. The bitch eats nothing but apples, carrots, and ice cream. She goes to McDonald's more than I do, buying two ice cream cones per visit, and deep throats them like a champ. At the same time, she's always stealing my roommate's ice cream. The only reason I know this is because she texts me like every other day saying "sorry I ate your ice cream. I'll buy you a new one." She knows that I have sex all the time and one of the best texts I got from her read, "Sry i finished ur ice cream again.hope u are not angr.y u will get a new one of coursd.have good sex!" P.S. I'm not retarded, that is the exactly what the text message looked like. I told Adam, the owner of the ice cream, that she texts me thinking it's mine, but I haven't told her that it isn't mine. This allows me to steal ice cream and still blame it on Sabine. Either way, it made me come to the conclusion that this German bitch must be a real Frank-Farter. Now I've also figured out who's been leaving Hershey Squirts on the tiolet.

Photo: Milda Vigelyte Facebook

Overprotected: Mel Gibson Keeps Bodyguard Away From Daughter

After reading some TMZ news, I found out that Mel Gibson is worried about his daughter Lucia because Oksana's bodyguard is a felon who has a past of firearm abuse. Luckily, Lucia hasn't even turned 1 yet because it'd be pretty tough to choose to be babysat by a felon or someone who gets drunk and calls you a cunt all day. The bodyguard, Kristian Otto Herzog, has apparently been making decisions for Oksana when it comes to the court case for the custody of Lucia. Herzog has been the reason why Oksana has changed lawyers so many times. So far I don't see what the problem is. Also, Herzog has been arrested twice for impersonating a police officer. The first time, Herzog pursued two men around Hollywood and accused them of cutting him off, all while possessing a loaded semiautomatic firearm. The second time, he followed a woman out of a grocery store, made her pull over with his fake police car, and asked her a series of personal questions. If you guys ask me, he sounds like someone I want on my team if I wanted to a pull a prank on someone. Obviously this guy must be a lot more fun than Mel.

Photo: E! Online