K-Pain or T-$ha: T-Pain and Ke$ha In Love?

Photos and messaged have been posted on twitter that are leading many people to believe that Ke$ha and T-Pain are turning into an item. An item that T-Pain cleverly titled "K-Pain." I don't know if K-Pain is a real or it's just a publicity stunt, but I do know that the visuals are giving me some major I-Pain (get it? eye-pain?). Either way, they have been tweeting about their alleged feelings where T-Pain says, “Last night I found out I’m in love wit @keshasuxx," which means he obviously loves her whiskey breath, and Ke$ha says, “Um. F***ing love u @TPAIN. U get me. Come find me.” I think the only reason he gets her, and probably is the only one who gets her, is because they both speak in auto-tune. The pair were also seen in Vegas at Larry Flynt's strip club where Ke$ha stuffed dollar bills down the panties of various strippers, which doesn't surprise me at all. There are also alleged rumors that T-Pain is still married, which would make another rapper a cheater. Also not surprising.

Photo: Popbytes

Tramp Stamp: Angelina Jolie Explains New Tattoo

I just want to go on record and say that I don't care much for Angelina Jolie, but I'm writing a stupid story about her because she was all over my twitter page when I was viewing my "Gossip" list. Obviously entertainment news companies need to start getting something going on in their lives, so I can, too. Before getting inked, Angelina already had a tattoo of a 6 lines of numbers and letters that represented the latitudes and longitudes of the birth places of her 6 children. Precious... Now there's been an uproar of her adding a 7th line because people are starting to believe that she is going to adopt a 7th child. Granted, the logic of that story makes sense, but people should have stopped caring after the first line, like me at one of Charlie Sheen's parties. Annoyed, Jolie explains in an interview that the 7th line is the birthplace of Brad Pitt. She says, "Well, if they know that it's latitude and longitude they would have figured out quickly that it was Brad's birthplace. It doesn't take much investigation to figure that one out." What an asshole. Nobody pays attention to latitude and longitude anymore. It's called Google Maps. Another thing, the coordinates are of Shawnee, Oklahoma, which is in the middle of Tornado Alley. The only people who should be living there are Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. Also see: Twister (the movie).

Photo: Faded Youth

It's A Hit and Miss: Michaele Salahi Releases Her First Single

Michaele Salahi, from Real Houswives of Washington, D.C., has released her first single called "Bump It," which is also the name of her philosophy with invitations. The single was released on iTunes not too long ago and it's just as bad as you think it would be. Salahi says her inspiration came from Oprah when they met over the Kennedy Convention when Obama's inauguration was held. Salahi says Oprah told her she had a good voice so I guess it took her only a short two years to release her first single. I would usually call Salahi a liar, but it makes sense if Oprah likes listening to Ke$ha live after she just had a good weekend. I don't know why people keep trying to become famous after they participate in a reality TV show. In order to become famous you need to have a talent. Kim Kardashian is good at having sex with black men and Paris Hilton is good at making up dumb excuses when cops find cocaine in her purse. If you really want to know how bad the single sounds, you can listen to it here (courtesy of Rumor Fix). In my next blog, I'll show directions on how to jump out of a window.

Photo: Pynk Celebrity

Drunk and Misorderly: Baby Gets Drunk At Applebees

An American restaurant named Applebee's in Detroit, Michigan had a waiter serve the wrong drink to a male toddler after the mother ordered him an apple juice. The best part is that the waiter came back with a Margarita. I can understand if you mix up a vodka-apple juice for an apple juice, but there is no excuse for bringing a kid a stemmed glass of Margarita instead of a cardboard pack of Juicy Juice with a bendy straw. However, it's safe to say that I finally found a reason why I regret not being raised in Detroit. The mother knew something was wrong when the baby boy fell asleep after resting his head on the table and suddenly woke up in a very happy mood. Lucky for the mother, the boy isn't going to grow up to be an emotional drunk. I can totally see the baby boy crying over his diaper size being too big or telling his mother that she doesn't love him enough when she doesn't give him any toys. Apparently, the boy was also waving at a number of strangers so he might be one of those annoying, too-happy drunks. The only thing I want to know is what happened the next day and had a hangover or woke up with his head in his potty training toilet. Let's just hope he had a designated driver for his Tonka truck.

Photo: Fugly

Mamma Mia!: Man Dies After Falling Into Past Machine

A 26-year-old man died at a restaurant called Pasta Quistini after falling into some sort of pasta machine. I don't know what happened to putting pasta in a pot and cooking it in an oven, but I guess that's why I don't own an Italian restaurant. Either way, the victim had his shirt caught in the machine causing him to fall in head first. This sounds like every cannibal's dream come true. You can read more on the story here. It would be a good idea if you did because it sounds like another story about a man dying from falling into a tortilla machine. It's stories like these that give me more reason not to work with food. I've had two jobs and both times I quit because new opportunities arose. Opportunities to get drunk and finally get my ass fired. Anywho, I hope the victim didn't fall into the same pasta machine as the one pictured above. If so, he definitely lived a longer life than most people expected.

Photo: Vieco Kitchen

Look A Little Bieber: Dani Shay Looks Like Justin Bieber

As if Bieber fever hasn't been spreading rapidly enough, Justin Bieber fans have another thing to get all hot and bothered about: Dani Shay. They have the same hair, same voice, and they both like girls. However, the 22-year-old singer/songwriter is an American from Orlando, Florida and wants to make a name for herself so she isn't always being compared to Justin Bieber. Since Bieber is a Canadian, I think Shay being American is difference enough. She claims that people came up to her and constantly confused her for Bieber or told her that she looked a lot like the pop sensation. Among those people were teenage girls. I don't know if she exactly sounds like a lot of fun because if I were her, being a lesbian, I'd take advantage of all the ass I could get. Now that Shay knows who Justin Bieber is, she has a fantasy of meeting him on The Ellen Degeneres Show. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't a fan of Justin Bieber, but I was a little annoyed to find out that they were capitalizing his image with Bieber dolls and nail polish. I don't know how much your life has to suck to the point where you're putting on Justin Bieber nail polish. However, I'd be pretty excited to see the products that come from Shay's popularity if most of her fans are adult lesbians, like herself. Lesbians can wear Shay bokers that say 'Got No Shaym' and show it off every time they wear their baggy pants. Or maybe they can make flannel shirts that say "Shay is the Way!" Maybe Samantha Ronson will change her occupation to a D-Shay.

Photo: OK Magazine

Gum Shot: Suri Cruise Wants Penis Gummies

There has been quite an uproar about a rumor spreading that Katie Holmes went to an ice cream store called Serendipity and bought daughter, Suri Cruise, a pack of penis gummies. Holmes went on the Ellen Degeneres show to clear the rumors and tell everyone what actually happened. Holmes said Suri ran up to her and asked if she could get a pack. Holmes was shocked discover that the store was selling the product since she believes the business is run for children. I don't know whether Serendipity is trying to target kids, but I can tell you it's definitely targeting gay men. If running into a pack of penises isn't Serendipity, then I don't know what is. Either way, I feel like everyone needs to calm down. I don't know if Suri likes the same things as I do or if she likes the same things as Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, but sooner or later this little girl is going to blossom into a woman. She may just be a curious little kitty cat and run into a penis on the internet or she may just be a little sex kitten and trip and fall onto a penis. I think with her situation she needs to learn what a penis since neither Katie Holmes or Tom Cruise has one.

Photo: Mama Pop

Lowe Blow: Rob Lowe Talks About Charlie Sheen

In the newest issue of Vanity Fair, Rob Lowe talks about his childhood and work life with Charlie Sheen. He also promotes his new book Stories I Only Tell My Friends: an Autobiography, which sucks for all of the people who told him some of their deepest secrets. He says that him and Sheen used to compete on who did a better job at work and apparently Charlie always won "by a nose." I'm assuming that's because Sheen used his nose more than Lowe did. He goes on to say that Sheen's home was much better than that of his modest parents. In it, Lowe says, was "never-ending Häagen-Dazs, brand-new BMWs, a lagoon pool with underwater tunnels, and a lit, professional-grade basketball half-court.” I'm sure times have changed as Sheen's current home is filled with never-ending drug cocktails, brand-new porn stars, a murky pool with underwater STDs, and a lit pipe full of crystal meth.

Photo: Huffington Post

Money Shot: Usher's Sex Tape Gets Released

Usher has just become one of the million celebrities who has a sex tape. I don't understand why celebrities keep making sex tapes. We all know why people who aren't famous are making sex tapes. We know you're having sex. Paris Hilton, we know you're a slut. Kim Kardashian, we know you're having sex with black men. Montana Fishburne, we know you're never going to be famous. I don't exactly know why Usher would make a sex tape. However, TMZ alleges they have seen the tape and agree that it is Usher with his ex-wife, Tameka Foster. With a name like Tameka, Usher must have a great time in bed. I decided to research her to see how hot she is and I was very disappointed. This is the best photo I could find:

I don't know why Tameka is so unattractive, but it's a good thing she's an ex-wife now. I expected this from a rapper, but not Usher. Google Ja Rule's wife. Anywho, TMZ believes the sex tape may have gotten stolen along with the items that were stolen when Usher's car was broken into. If I made a sex tape, I'm pretty sure I would keep it somewhere safe like under my bed or in my secret hidden camera that records men taking showers in the boys' locker room. The only reason the tape should be in a car is if the sex scene took place in the car. That's what you get, Usher. Moral of the story: always record your sexual acts on your phone.

Sex Education: 2 Second-graders Commit Oral Sex In Class

I was watching the news the other day because, believe it or not, I like to watch something else besides E! and TMZ and I fell upon a really shocking story. Markham Elementary school is involved in an investigation over two sexual incidents that happened between two second graders. Both incidents have happened in the same classroom so someone needs to give this teacher an award already. The first incident happened involved a handful of kids undressing inside the classroom and the second incident involved two students engaging in oral sex. I don't exactly know how the teacher didn't notice several students taking their clothes off unless he was blind or a catholic priest.

Photo: My News