Dozen Make Sense: "Raising Sextuplets" Couple Splits

There's a show on WEtv called raising sextuplets where, you guessed it, a couple raises sextuplets. Talk about a clever title and apparently the father is a hot mess, Mel Gibson status. Bryan Masche, the father of the six little animals, was arrested for raising Cain, which is basically computer hacking so obviously he must have been that one kid who survived middle school with scars and bruises. When the cops came to arrest him, he was also charged with resisting arrest and domestic violence against his wife, Jenny, and her father. My favorite part of the report is when Bryan threatened his father-in-law by saying he was going to "flatten" him. I've never heard of such a threat, but I think it's great. I can imagine Bryan saying this while he pushes back his reading glasses and pulls up his pants to his nipples. Either way, I don't know what is wrong with people these days. Women are pulling kids out of their vagina, 6 to 8 at a time, and putting them under the worst rearing conditions. Kate Gosselin is a complete bitch and Octomom is half-retard. Now you got this couple with a father who is probably Mel Gibson's long-lost twin. This is the reason why I choose not to have kids. I'm doing the world a favor. You're welcome.

Photo: E! Online

Undress Or Roofless: Octomom Refuses Porn To Pay Foreclosure

Nadya Suleman aka Octomom aka stupid bitch who decided to have 14 babies for no reason is apparently behind on her monthly payments for her home. Amer Haddadin, the man who sold the house to Octomom and her dad, originally gave her a deadline to pay her bills by March 23rd, but her lawyer convinced Haddadin to extend it to October 9th. After hearing news that Octomom might lose her house, Steven Hirsch, the president of a porn company called Vivid Entertainment, wrote her a letter offering to pay her bills IF.... she did a porn tape. Sounds like a win-win situation to me. However, Nadya Sule-dumbass says "I'll do whatever I can... as long as I'm fully clothed." Talk about boring. She doesn't want to do a sex tape and she didn't even get penetrated by some guy when any of her children were conceived. I don't know what it is she has against sex, but I'm guessing no one wants to have sex with her. So instead of doing one sex tape to pay off her home, this past weekend she decided to make money by doing something else: having a yard sale. What a bright idea... I don't know why she doesn't just go for the sex tape. She's about to lose her home, she lost her dignity a long time ago, and by now, after giving birth to 14 little rascals, I'm sure she's lost her vagina, too.

Photo: Extra!

It's A Rap: Lyfe Jennings Retires After Going To Jail

Lyfe Jennings is going to jail for 3 and a half years for illegally owning a firegun, like most of his rapper friends, along with other mistakes he's made in the past. Apparently he fired the weapon in public and tried to flee the police. My favorite part is when the report talks about trespassing. He kicked down the front door of his baby mama's house, also where his 2 kids live, fired a few rounds out into the street, and let the cops chase him around some random city in Georgia. It makes me love black men that much more. He went to twitter where he says thank you to everyone who has given him a chance and claims it will be his last tweet. He also declared his retirement, but either way, he's going to jail for 3 years and everyone will probably have forgotten who he is by the time he gets out. Then on his twitter, he writes "I would like to think that I've changed lives by changing my own, tho I can't be sure..." I'd like to reassure him that he has. This is the kinda man I wanna take home to mama. I don't know if I can say the same for his ex-girlfriend.

Photo: The Boom Box

Prison Break-Down: Prisoner To Sue Kardashians For Emotional Distress

I've just heard news about a prisoner at the Pennsylvania Department of Corrections who wants to sue the Kardashians because their show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, has made him go crazy. He claims that he was forced to watch the show, which I don't know how that happens unless your cellmate threatens to rape you. Even then, that sounds like a win-win situation to me. The guy's name is D.J. Goodson so obviously he won't get very far in life and he claims to be put under through emotional distress because he witnessed domestic abuse, like when Kim had her celebrity boxing match, emotional abuse, like when Kourtney and Scott argue about their stupid relationship, and racism, when Kim refers to black babies as baby doll. First of all, racism is the most retarded thing he can claim. Kim and Khloe have been doing all sorts of black men a favor by having sex with them all. Second, what the fuck is a little bitch crying over two people arguing on TV doing in prison? How the hell did he get there in the first place? Jaywalking? Thirdly, I don't know how the hell he was forced to watch the show. There's plenty to do in prison. Trust me. I've been arrested. Time flies when you drop the soap.

Photo: Khloe Kardashian Dot Net

Don't Ask, Don't Care: Nicki Minaj Is Being Celibate "By Choice"

Nicki Minaj is one interesting cat that I just can't seem to put my finger on. She makes very interesting music and what I like about it most is that it's always different. Nothing is ever the same with her. Anywho, her music suggests a lot of sexual connotations of having sex with both men and women. Apparently the press is making a big deal about her talking about doing sexual acts with women and she's getting sick of it. She says, "When I rap, it’s just an extension of how I speak, and that’s how I talk. If you don’t like it, don’t listen. I’m also not going to explain something just because I said it in a rap. Take what you want from it. [In the press] I didn’t say [I don't like women]. I said I don’t have sex with women. I don’t have sex with men right now either. If [bisexual is] what they wanna call me, then fine." After going on Google Translation and putting in this excerpt from "Nicki Minaj" to "English" I found out that she's saying, "men don't wanna sleep with me, so I tried girls to get more attention, so now I'm going to hide my sexuality so the media keeps following me." She continues to go on saying that she's celibate and encourages all  of her "young barbies to do the same." Looks like I'm no longer following her on Twitter anymore.

Photo: Tha Dog House

American Idiot: Idol Executives Think Someone Is Downplaying The Show

I feel like nobody wants to be an American Idol judge anymore since people keep leaving and people I've never heard of keep joining. I don't know about you guys but it's been quite a toenail-biting experience waiting for someone to tell me who the newest judge is going to be. According to Popeater, the newest judge on American Idol is going to be... wait for it... Jennifer Lopez. I don't know how they managed to get her on the panel, but I'm assuming it had a lot to do with information on how to be more talented. However, executives of the show believe someone is trying to sabatoge the show, as if Paula Abdul hasn't done enough of that. Executives say someone is deliberately making up stories about how demanding Lopez is. I don't know if anyone is making up these rumors to destroy the show, but what I do know is that Lopez is demanding. One magazine editor who worked with her says, "When we shot her for a cover, her list of demands were crazy. She needed an all white room scented with Jo Malone candles. She insisted on having a banquet of food -- that she never touched -- and even had the nerve to ask for a specific type of private plane." As if that wasn't bad enough, another article says when she performed in Monaco, she had another trying list of demands. It included a helicopter, a speedboat, and a champagne fridge. Now a champagne fridge is totally fine by me, but I don't know why she needs a helicopter and a speedboat. Who the F*** does she think she is? James Bond? The worst on the list, however, was a pair of $3,000 diamond encrusted headphones to drown out the noise of the motor when onboard the motor boat. I don't know who told her that she needs to spend $3,000 to drown out some noise but I'm sure a simple pair of $10 head phones from Wal-Mart would've been fine. I'm sure Marc Anthony uses them to drown out the noise of J.Lo's voice.

Photo: Music Box Mix

No Rebound: Nobody Wants Allen Iverson On Their Team

Everyone knows that basketball is a huge part of my life (JAJAJAJA!!!) so it was quite a shock for me when I found out about Allen Iverson's little dilemma. To be honest, I don't know much about the guy, but I do know he quit two teams last season and has a reputation of being a ball hog. I decided to investigate this even further so I decided to source the best of the best and her name is Rose Lopez-Miranda, aka my mother. She says Allen "Cryverson" Iverson is always bitching and thinks he's the best player out there. I don't know if this is true because I can't tell any of the players apart. They're all tall, dark, and fuckable to me. Except that chinese one.... sorry Asia. Now that nobody wants to call Iverson, his plans are to take his game to China. Talk about a drama queen. If my sources are correct then I don't feel sorry for the guy at all. Nobody ever liked a quitter. Nobody ever like an arrogant ball hog unless you're the guy who tea-bagged me last weekend. However, I do know how he feels because when I was in middle school, I was never called on to be on someone's team in basketball during P.E. period. I knew I should've been practicing something outside of jump rope and hoola hoops.

Photo: LA Late News

Spank You: Lady GaGa Gives Beyonce Matching Whip and Lingerie

This past weekend was Beyonce's birthday where she spent time with her man, Jay-Z, at the Eminem concert since he had to perform. Talk about a memorable birthday. Lady GaGa was also at the concert where she surprised Beyonce by decorating Jay-Z's dressing room with balloons, which is pretty weird for GaGa because I thought she would decorate it with something more creative like wigs or disco sticks. Either way, GaGa sang to Beyonce and opened up a bottle of champagne. As a gift, she gave Beyonce matching diamond studded lingerie and a whip. You've been a very bad girl, GaGa. Hopefully Beyonce uses it in her next video so we can see her wearing something besides a leotard. 

Photo: NY Daily News

Washington D.C. Cup: Michaele Salahi May Pose For Playboy

There's rumors spreading around about a housewife of Washington D.C., Michaele Salahi, who is preparing for a photo shoot with Playboy later this month. When I heard about this toenail-biting rumor, I knew I had to put this under further investigation. Therefore, I decided to turn to two of my most reliable sources: TMZ and In Touch Weekly. In Touch has an exclusive interview with Salahi where she admitted having interest in plastic surgery. She says, "Definitely. I would love to do a whole lot of Botox and maybe get collagen, too. I also think it would be great to have boobs. I'm a B [cup], so I'd get a C. I'm all for anything you can do to make yourself look and feel better." I think a more appropriate operation would involve a guillotine.


This article naturally sparked a lot of plausible rumors, which is where the tabloids came in. TMZ reported that Salahi is going under the knife for a Playboy photo shoot later this month. How original. I don't know what it is with reality TV stars doing x-rated projects, but you'd think they'd realize by now that it isn't getting them anywhere. The source didn't want TMZ to release their name, but I'm going to guess it was probably Salahi's just-as-much-of-a-fame-whore husband, Tareq Salahi. If they really wanted to make some money, I think they should do what my friend Michael Jackson did and make a movie called This Is It.


Photo: Examiner

Leave Me Stallone: Sylvester Stallone's House Has An Intruder

So apparently there was an idiot who climbed a few fences to get to Sylvester Stallone's house to show the celebrity his martial arts moves. Talk about ambitious. The guy in question, Damon T. Dana, says he even knocked out a pit bull with a left hook. I don't know if he did that or not, but if he did, he sounds like a problem. I'm sure PETA is pissed. Dana says he moved from Germany to L.A. and trespassed Stallone's property so he can personally prove to the star that he can be an action star, too. I say give it to him. Stallone looks like the type a guy who has a mine field as a front yard and a tracking device in all of his kids rectums. At least he saved himself the embarrassment of auditioning for America's Got Talent. The best part is that when Dana finally made it to Stallone's front yard he spent hours exercising and practicing his martial arts moves until police arrested him. This guy obviously has way too much energy. He may have some substances that I could buy from him.

Photo: Jaunted