Cool Cat: Kitten Survives A Washing Machine Spin Cycle

A cat has survived going through a washing machine spin cycle after veterinarians were able to get out all of the water it had in its lungs. The owner of the cat was doing a normal day of laundry day texting some friends when she realized her pet wasn't around. Something in her gut told her that she may have left it in the washer and when she went to the kitchen, she saw her cat through the washing machine glass door. Apparently, the cat somehow managed to jump inside the washer while the door was open. She didn't know whether to call the police or the firefighters so she went outside to go scream for help. I'm guessing that bright idea also came from her gut. The article didn't say how she got the kitten out of the washer, but she managed to drive the little shit to a local vet where they rescued her. The article did say, however, that now that the feline is back at home it continues to jump back into the washer. I don't know about you guys, but the cat sounds suicidal. Either that or it must have one hell of annoying owner. The cat was only 8 weeks old when the incident happened and is said to have been rescued after it was found in a box on the street along with its brothers and sisters. If this happened in the first 8 weeks of my life and I remembered it, I would probably take my chances in a washing machine, too.

Photo: The Daily Telegraph

Breaking And Decorating: Man Breaks Into House And Decorates

A man has been arrested for breaking into a house and putting up Christmas decorations. Before putting up the decorations, he lit a candle and turned on the TV. WHIO-TV reported that he was high on bath salts and I have reported that I may now have found a new drug of choice. The man got caught when an 11-year-old boy who lives there entered the house and found him sitting on the couch. The burglar was caught carrying a pocket knife, but the 11-year-old boy said he was very well-mannered when he found him in his house. The mother of the 11-year-old boy says he told her son, "'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'll get my things and go." I don't see what the problem is. Not only does this guy sound super nice, but he sounds like a damn good time. I've been known to get a little too messy when consuming high volumes of alcohol. I'm thinking about putting a pinch of bath salts around the rims of my margaritas to help calm me down. 

Photo: Wikipedia

Pulling Out: Michael Jackson's Death Bed No Longer Up For Auction

TMZ has reported that Michael Jackson's death bed will no longer be up for auction because the Jackson Estate asked the auction house, Julien's Auction's, to remove it from the list. It was supposed to be part of a list of merchandise in the Holmby Hills mansion where Jackson lived while awaiting to start his tour titled "This Is It." Ironically, that was also his favorite phrase when given a dose of anesthesia. Julien's Auctions says the mattresses were never for up for bidding since they were part of the evidence for Conrad Murray's trial. However, everything else is still going to be part of the auction. The one that stands out the most is the mirror Jackson used in his "inner sanctum," which is the room where only he was allowed to enter. Yeah, right. I'm bet there's still a little boy hidden underneath his bed or inside his closet, intoxicated from all of the Jesus Juice.

Photo: Blogger

PETA Cries... Again: PETA Bashing Nintendo For Super Mario Wearing Fur

PETA is making another complaint to someone who they claim is sending the message that it's okay to wear fur. This someone is Super Mario. Apparently Nintendo has released a game called Super Mario 3D Land, where Super Mario can power up and change costumes into a Tanooki suit. PETA is making sure everyone knows that a Tanooki suit is no joke. In fact, they made a whole website called Mario Kills Tanooki where anyone can play a game as a Tanuki chasing Mario to get his skin back. On the website, there is some text that reads, "Tanooki may be just a 'suit' in Mario games, but in real life, tanuki are raccoon dogs who are skinned alive for their fur. By wearing Tanooki, Mario is sending the message that it's OK to wear fur." Listen up, PETA. Tanuki fur may be a real thing to wear to the opera on the weekends, but Super Mario is not a real fucking person. If anything, you're sending the wrong messages because everyone knows a Tanuki can't fucking run if it's been skinned alive. 

Photo: Kotaku

TSA-hole: Jwoww Blasting TSA For Extra Security Search

Jwoww from the Jersey Shore went on a little twitter temper tantrum after the TSA treated her with what she felt like as "criminal" behavior. She says “Fargo ND airport just treated me like a criminal.. Holy sh*t! Travel 2x a week and never went thru what I did here. Has anyone got ‘randomly selected’ while walking on a plane and asked to ‘come with them’ to be additionally searched? I wasn’t randomly selected cuz I saw the tsa there pointing at me while I was getting a coffee 15 min prior."

The TSA responded to the event by saying, “As part of TSA’s layered approach to security, passengers may be subject to various random screening measures at the checkpoint or the gate. In this case, a number of passengers were randomly selected according to a pre-set protocol for gate screening prior to boarding an aircraft. This particular screening protocol consisted of a simple swab of passenger’s hands and did not include a pat down or additional screening of carry-on items.”

Jwoww also tweeted, "I’ve been patted down a bunch n don’t mind but after I’m getting on a plane seems odd and deliberate to me. Hate when people abuse authority.” First of all, abuse is not an extra swab test. It's what you do to alcohol every night. I'm tired of celebrities blaming airports for their problems. It's called someone doing their job. Then again, why would she know that? The only one she's ever had was with her boobs. 

Photo: SF Local Guides

Von Dumb: Kat Von D Claims Jesse Cheated With 19 Women

Kat Von D wrote a blog discussing an encounter she had with what she claims to be the 19th women that Jesse James cheated on her with during their relationship. She admits to being wrong saying, "Sure, its easy to tell someone, 'I told you so' especially if you're criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love. I know I deserve a big fat 'I told you so,' from everyone, and wish I didn't have to say, 'You all were more right than you'll ever know' but you were." She is also tired of being compared to Michelle "Bombshell" McGee saying, "Yes, I am pretty tired of getting mistaken for the girl who everyone believes to have broken up Jesse and Sandra's marriage, just because I have black hair and tattoos like that other gal. That does get a quite annoying at times, and it would be nice to not be associated with her, but that's trivial in the grand scheme of things." I don't know who is mistaking Kat Von D for that bombshell slut, but whoever they are hopefully they read Von D's blog. Then, they can realize that Kat Von D is the one who knows how to read and write, while McGee is the one who writes on her face. 

Photo: Leaky Faucet

Off The Wall: Woman Drives Through Wall During Driving Test

A woman in Southern China failed her driving test after she drove through a wall. I'm hoping it's not the Great Wall. She didn't have any major injuries and nobody was on the other side of the wall when she went through. The better question is 'is that wall okay?' She had mistaken the accelerator for the break and left the car half way in and half way out of an alley. She says, "I don't know what happened. I was parking very carefully and the car just took off." I know what happened. You're Asian. Wouldn't it be an interesting twist if she ran over another little girl? I know I'm a monster and I proudly admit that. Anywho, how hard was she pressing the gas to go through a damn brick wall? Didn't she realize it wasn't the break when she heard the engine revving? I've never been in a car accident in my life (knock on woody), but I have been hit by a car while I was writing my scooter. I don't think I have to say what race the driver was. 

Photo: Web Orange

Top Down: Topless Female Driver Causes Car Accidents

There is a woman in Australia who is driving around topless and erratically and may be causing traffic accidents. One of the accidents she may have caused is a three car collision, while another driver says the girl gone wild hit his car and fled the scene. That would be the first time I heard a man complain about a hit and run. Police have not yet started looking for the driver because they have not yet received a formal complaint. The woman was said to have been driving a 1991 Mitsubishi Magna. I don't see anything wrong with this. This girl sounds like two tons of fun, if you ask me. More like two tits of fun. We don't even know if she even did anything wrong. We need to consider all possibilities here first. Number one, maybe she is nudist who happens to be Asian. Number two, are any of the drivers in the traffic accidents Asian?

Photo: Photobucket

I Didn't Know I Was Stupid: Katy Perry To Have Multiple Kids If First Doesn't Hurt

Katy Perry went on Ellen the other day to talk about her new life now that she's married to Russell Fugly Brand. She says that she would love to have children, which she thinks is one of the main reasons why two people marry. "Especially to the person that you marry. You think, that person is going to be a good partner, a good parent," says Perry. Wait a minute. So I'm not supposed to marry someone for money? I don't even want kids. Why the fuck would I want to marry someone that I know is going to be a good parent? I look for other things in a man that will matter later on in life, like a law degree. Who knows what kind of trouble I'll get into in the future. Enough about me. Perry went on to say that she would be glad to have more than one kid so long as the first one doesn't hurt. Talk about a great way to plan things out. Hasn't she seen Knocked Up? I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Has she even talked to another woman?! Of course, it's going to fucking hurt! Giving birth is no fucking downhill bike ride. I hope she also knows that she shouldn't drink while she's pregnant. 

Photo: News 1

Three's A Crowd: Man Loses It After Trying To Have A Threesome

A Florida man is arrested for attacking two women after he tried to engage in a threesome with both of them on Sunday. One of the women, his wife, said that the man, Jorge Daniel Silva, started acting up when she and the other woman began kissing. After he became so angry, the two women tried to lock themselves in a bedroom, but Silva still managed to break through. From there, he grabbed a TV, swung it at his wife twice, and dropped it on her. The other woman tried to get intervene, but with every attempt, Silva would punch her. Silva then grabbed a second TV and threw it at his wife.

According to Silva's side of the story, his wife attacked him after she kissed the other woman. He admitted to being jealous after the women wouldn't let him in on the action and claims that he thought they were having sex when they locked themselves in the bedroom. This is exactly why I hate threesomes. There's always one person that has to be left out and I'd hate for it to be me. I don't want to compete for a penis because it's not even enjoyable anymore. It's more like a phone conversation that keeps being put on hold.

Photo: Guyism

Doggy Bark: Pitbull Disses Lindsay Lohan Over Lawsuit

Pitbull is criticizing Lindsay Lohan for suing him in a New York Court even though she's lived in California for over seven years. He continues to say that her never ending list of legal troubles will only keep her in California for longer than she wants. Because of all these legal issues, Pitbull believes the lawsuit should not be pursued in California. If you haven't heard Lindsay Lohan is suing Pitbull for defamatory lyrics he included in the single "Give Me Everything." In it he talks about Lindsay Lohan referencing her jail time, saying, "I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan." Lindsay  claims “condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements” in the lyrics are “destined to do irreparable harm to [her].” You know what else is harmful to her career? Getting a DUI, violating probation, stealing a necklace, and missing your community service appointments. If anything, Pitbull is keeping her current. She should be honored. If she really wanted to look out for her image, maybe she should change her last name to something better, like Manson.

Photo: 17

On The Nose: Voter Claims Poll Worker Bit His Nose

Police are investigating an incident that happened early this afternoon when a man allegedly tried to bite another man's nose off. The incident happened outside of a church, so apparently I've been missing out on some great entertainment on Sunday mornings. It all started when the victim, Greg Flanagan, saw a man and a woman arguing because the woman was standing too close to the man. I'm guessing he didn't want cooties. Flanagan became involved in the situation, angering the man and causing him to grip Flanagan around the neck, head butt him between the eyes, and attempt to bite his nose off. This guy sounds like a UFC fighter. Police have made no arrests even though The Cuyahoga County Board of Elections have confirmed that an incident did occur. I don't know why arrests weren't made if they know an incident happened, but what's more confusing is when did Mike Tyson become so political?

Photo: Treatment for TMJ

I Now Pronounce You Brother And Sister: Engaged Couple Find Out They're Related

The good news is a couple in South Africa are engaged and are expecting to have a child next month. The bad news is that they found out they are brother and sister. The couple had been dating for five years after they met in college and didn't find out until they wanted to meet each other's parents. It turns out their parents separated when they were both very young because the mother cheated on the father. The father raised the son and the mother raised the daughter, which is probably good because there probably would have been two separate stories about parents marrying their children. Neither of them knew they had a sibling, but they sure sound conceited. They probably liked each other because they couldn't stop saying, "Man, you look a lot like me. Mmm mmm mmm!" There's got to be obvious signs. Didn't they realize they have the same last South African last name?

Photo: Motifake

Dine and Dash: Kim Kardashian Bails On Paid Australia Appearance

Kim Kardashian has decided to pull out from a paid appearance in Australia to deal with her divorce with Kris Humprhies. She's pulling out of a divorce, pulling out of an appearance, and unless she's taking birth control, she probably told Kris to pull out, too. It's so unlike her to give up work to deal with her life. My money says she's probably going to do a divorce special on her stupid show. She said in a statement “I am very disappointed that I am unable to attend the Swisse marquee but I hope to come back and work with the Swisse team at another point in time." The funny part is that before that, she also said about the Australian appearance that she "didn’t want to bail" and wanted to “stick to my commitment.” I bet Kris is reading this report saying, "That's what she told me, too!" I'm not surprised these two are getting divorced. I wasn't expecting them to last that long either. I sort of treated them like hot pockets in a microwave: I see them in the spotlight together knowing it's going to end in 3... 2... 1...

Photo: The Fab Life

Baby Daddy: Did Justin Bieber Impregnate One Of His Fans?

Mariah Yeater is suing Justin Bieber claiming that he impregnated her after they had sex from a night where she attended one of his concerts. Yeater says they met on October of 2010 where a security guard asked her if she wanted to meet the Biebs. She said yes and said Bieber found a place where they could be alone -- a bathroom. So romantic... Yeater says, from that point on, Bieber's personality changed and he began touching her and repeated that he wanted to "fuck the shit out of" her. She claims that she asked him to put on a condom, but he refused because "it was his first time and he wanted to feel everything." She continues to say that she was on top of the shelf with her legs around him while he was on top of her and the intercourse only lasted around 30 seconds.

Bieber is denying that any of this ever happened, but if someone said I only lasted 30 seconds, I'd say it was a lie, too. I know this rumor is false because A) the report came from Star magazine and B) everyone knows Justin Bieber doesn't need to go to a bathroom to be alone with a girl. If he really wanted to have sex with a girl, he'd take her to his race car bed. The best way to find out if the baby is actually his is by either 1) seeing if the baby has a lesbian haircut or 2) attending the Maury show. It can't be so bad if the kid turns out to be his. As soon as Bieber's outgrown any of his clothes, he can just hand it on to his kid. They can probably even play the same video games or Transformer action figures.

Photo: Ology

Fuel To Fire-Crotch: Lindsay Lohan Is Going To Jail. Part 5.

Judge Stephanie Sautner has sentenced Lindsay Lohan to jail for 30 days and also gave Lohan a full week to surrender due to her unfinished photo shoot with playboy. So the good news is Ali and Dina can spend quality family time with Lindsay, but the bad news is Lindsay is going to be on Playboy. According to TMZ, Lindsay probably won't even stay incarcerated the full 30 days due to jail overcrowding and may only serve about 20% of the sentence, which is 6 days. I wouldn't be surprised if she did get out early. I also wouldn't be surprised if she went back to jail 12 hours later after being released just like her father. What would surprise me is the day Lindsay Lohan can finally say, "Maybe I should just go to bed."

Sautner also ordered monthly court dates in which she is to submit progress reports of how far along she is with her community service and psychotherapy counselling. If Lohan violates this contract, Sautner will sentence her to 270 days in jail. Lohan is also ineligible for early release or house arrest and will be paired with a "no-nonsense" probation officer. I don't know why it took them until her fifth jail sentence to say, "Hmm maybe we should be a little bit more hard on her."

Photo: Hollywood Dame