Sex Education: 2 Second-graders Commit Oral Sex In Class

I was watching the news the other day because, believe it or not, I like to watch something else besides E! and TMZ and I fell upon a really shocking story. Markham Elementary school is involved in an investigation over two sexual incidents that happened between two second graders. Both incidents have happened in the same classroom so someone needs to give this teacher an award already. The first incident happened involved a handful of kids undressing inside the classroom and the second incident involved two students engaging in oral sex. I don't exactly know how the teacher didn't notice several students taking their clothes off unless he was blind or a catholic priest.

Photo: My News

Just Kidman: Nicole Kidman Has a Kid From a Surrogate Mother

I was reading People today and unfortunately ran into the story about Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban welcoming their brand new baby girl, Faith Margaret. The couple named the girl Faith because according to People, that is what they relied on to have the baby. In addition, a friend of the couple says, "they never gave up faith to have a child." This is so stupid. They act like something divine came to their house at midnight and gave them a child. Both Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are 43-years-old so I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Urban has been shooting blanks the whole time or Kidman's eggs are a little too hard-boiled. All they did was find a new way to have a kid besides using their own genitals. I hate it when people say things like "things happen for a reason" or "it happened because we kept faith." That's not faith. That's called not being able to have a child and turning to a surrogate mother to have a child for you.

Photo: Jaunted

Too Hot For Pot: Mark Whalberg Says He's Done With Weed

Mark Wahlberg was at some film festival that I never heard of accepting an award and while giving his speech he mentioned that the award piece looks like a bong. Talk about having withdrawals... After mentioning that he said, "But I don't use those anymore." Of course he doesn't. Who the hell would admit that they smoke weed unless your Snoop Dogg? In an interview with Us Weekly, Wahlberg says he quit smoking because of his kids. He says, "One day, we were driving and you could smell it from somewhere. My daughter asked what the smell was so I told her it was a skunk. Then she said, 'Sometimes Daddy smells like that!' to me and my wife. So I knew I had to quit." That's understandable. I don't think any parent should be letting their kid know that they have someone just as great as Amy Winehouse for a parent. The part I don't understand is that Wahlberg also replaced partygoing on the weekends with churchgoing. I don't know why anyone would do this unless they were married to Angelina Jolie. I want to say that it's okay to have a little party every now and then if you have kids, but I'm not a parent and quite frankly I don't plan on changing that for the next 80 years. Don't get me wrong. I love kids. I have like 15 nephews and 27 second cousins, but I also have the luxury of saying, "go back to your mother." Either way, I remember my dad taking me out to his social gatherings where he had a few too many Budweisers and look at me. Not one thing is wrong with me. Right?

Photo: Knocked Up Celebs

Gypsy Slipsy: Shakira and Longtime Boyfriend Separate

Shakira and her boyfriend, Antonio De La Rua have apparently separated and did so a long time ago. Either they are really good at hiding their private lives or nobody cares. Shakira wrote on her blog that he and De La Rua separated last August and I think I speak for those who have a functioning pair of eyes when I say that I would like to congratulate her. If you've seen a picture of De La Rua, you'll agree. She also writes in her blog that they mutually agreed to separate, but still remain close friends and loyal business partners. I hate it when people say that. I hate it when break-ups seem so innocent and drama free. Why can't they just admit that they were bored of each other for the past 10 years and want to get on top of someone new? I don't expect people to take as many trips around the block as me, but at the same time I don't understand why people would want to stay with one person for 11 years. The worst part about this story is that an insider says they were just together so long that they found out they were better off as business partners than lovers. How the fuck does that take 11 years to find out? Furthermore, they're not even too sure about that as Shakira continues on her blog post saying the separation is temporary. Are you bored of the guy or not? I'm hoping yes. If not, I've made enough trips to the grocery store for her to double-bag his face in the bedroom.

Photo: You Thought So!