Off The Wall: Woman Drives Through Wall During Driving Test

A woman in Southern China failed her driving test after she drove through a wall. I'm hoping it's not the Great Wall. She didn't have any major injuries and nobody was on the other side of the wall when she went through. The better question is 'is that wall okay?' She had mistaken the accelerator for the break and left the car half way in and half way out of an alley. She says, "I don't know what happened. I was parking very carefully and the car just took off." I know what happened. You're Asian. Wouldn't it be an interesting twist if she ran over another little girl? I know I'm a monster and I proudly admit that. Anywho, how hard was she pressing the gas to go through a damn brick wall? Didn't she realize it wasn't the break when she heard the engine revving? I've never been in a car accident in my life (knock on woody), but I have been hit by a car while I was writing my scooter. I don't think I have to say what race the driver was. 

Photo: Web Orange

Top Down: Topless Female Driver Causes Car Accidents

There is a woman in Australia who is driving around topless and erratically and may be causing traffic accidents. One of the accidents she may have caused is a three car collision, while another driver says the girl gone wild hit his car and fled the scene. That would be the first time I heard a man complain about a hit and run. Police have not yet started looking for the driver because they have not yet received a formal complaint. The woman was said to have been driving a 1991 Mitsubishi Magna. I don't see anything wrong with this. This girl sounds like two tons of fun, if you ask me. More like two tits of fun. We don't even know if she even did anything wrong. We need to consider all possibilities here first. Number one, maybe she is nudist who happens to be Asian. Number two, are any of the drivers in the traffic accidents Asian?

Photo: Photobucket

I Didn't Know I Was Stupid: Katy Perry To Have Multiple Kids If First Doesn't Hurt

Katy Perry went on Ellen the other day to talk about her new life now that she's married to Russell Fugly Brand. She says that she would love to have children, which she thinks is one of the main reasons why two people marry. "Especially to the person that you marry. You think, that person is going to be a good partner, a good parent," says Perry. Wait a minute. So I'm not supposed to marry someone for money? I don't even want kids. Why the fuck would I want to marry someone that I know is going to be a good parent? I look for other things in a man that will matter later on in life, like a law degree. Who knows what kind of trouble I'll get into in the future. Enough about me. Perry went on to say that she would be glad to have more than one kid so long as the first one doesn't hurt. Talk about a great way to plan things out. Hasn't she seen Knocked Up? I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? Has she even talked to another woman?! Of course, it's going to fucking hurt! Giving birth is no fucking downhill bike ride. I hope she also knows that she shouldn't drink while she's pregnant. 

Photo: News 1

Three's A Crowd: Man Loses It After Trying To Have A Threesome

A Florida man is arrested for attacking two women after he tried to engage in a threesome with both of them on Sunday. One of the women, his wife, said that the man, Jorge Daniel Silva, started acting up when she and the other woman began kissing. After he became so angry, the two women tried to lock themselves in a bedroom, but Silva still managed to break through. From there, he grabbed a TV, swung it at his wife twice, and dropped it on her. The other woman tried to get intervene, but with every attempt, Silva would punch her. Silva then grabbed a second TV and threw it at his wife.

According to Silva's side of the story, his wife attacked him after she kissed the other woman. He admitted to being jealous after the women wouldn't let him in on the action and claims that he thought they were having sex when they locked themselves in the bedroom. This is exactly why I hate threesomes. There's always one person that has to be left out and I'd hate for it to be me. I don't want to compete for a penis because it's not even enjoyable anymore. It's more like a phone conversation that keeps being put on hold.

Photo: Guyism

Doggy Bark: Pitbull Disses Lindsay Lohan Over Lawsuit

Pitbull is criticizing Lindsay Lohan for suing him in a New York Court even though she's lived in California for over seven years. He continues to say that her never ending list of legal troubles will only keep her in California for longer than she wants. Because of all these legal issues, Pitbull believes the lawsuit should not be pursued in California. If you haven't heard Lindsay Lohan is suing Pitbull for defamatory lyrics he included in the single "Give Me Everything." In it he talks about Lindsay Lohan referencing her jail time, saying, "I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan." Lindsay  claims “condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements” in the lyrics are “destined to do irreparable harm to [her].” You know what else is harmful to her career? Getting a DUI, violating probation, stealing a necklace, and missing your community service appointments. If anything, Pitbull is keeping her current. She should be honored. If she really wanted to look out for her image, maybe she should change her last name to something better, like Manson.

Photo: 17

On The Nose: Voter Claims Poll Worker Bit His Nose

Police are investigating an incident that happened early this afternoon when a man allegedly tried to bite another man's nose off. The incident happened outside of a church, so apparently I've been missing out on some great entertainment on Sunday mornings. It all started when the victim, Greg Flanagan, saw a man and a woman arguing because the woman was standing too close to the man. I'm guessing he didn't want cooties. Flanagan became involved in the situation, angering the man and causing him to grip Flanagan around the neck, head butt him between the eyes, and attempt to bite his nose off. This guy sounds like a UFC fighter. Police have made no arrests even though The Cuyahoga County Board of Elections have confirmed that an incident did occur. I don't know why arrests weren't made if they know an incident happened, but what's more confusing is when did Mike Tyson become so political?

Photo: Treatment for TMJ

I Now Pronounce You Brother And Sister: Engaged Couple Find Out They're Related

The good news is a couple in South Africa are engaged and are expecting to have a child next month. The bad news is that they found out they are brother and sister. The couple had been dating for five years after they met in college and didn't find out until they wanted to meet each other's parents. It turns out their parents separated when they were both very young because the mother cheated on the father. The father raised the son and the mother raised the daughter, which is probably good because there probably would have been two separate stories about parents marrying their children. Neither of them knew they had a sibling, but they sure sound conceited. They probably liked each other because they couldn't stop saying, "Man, you look a lot like me. Mmm mmm mmm!" There's got to be obvious signs. Didn't they realize they have the same last South African last name?

Photo: Motifake

Dine and Dash: Kim Kardashian Bails On Paid Australia Appearance

Kim Kardashian has decided to pull out from a paid appearance in Australia to deal with her divorce with Kris Humprhies. She's pulling out of a divorce, pulling out of an appearance, and unless she's taking birth control, she probably told Kris to pull out, too. It's so unlike her to give up work to deal with her life. My money says she's probably going to do a divorce special on her stupid show. She said in a statement “I am very disappointed that I am unable to attend the Swisse marquee but I hope to come back and work with the Swisse team at another point in time." The funny part is that before that, she also said about the Australian appearance that she "didn’t want to bail" and wanted to “stick to my commitment.” I bet Kris is reading this report saying, "That's what she told me, too!" I'm not surprised these two are getting divorced. I wasn't expecting them to last that long either. I sort of treated them like hot pockets in a microwave: I see them in the spotlight together knowing it's going to end in 3... 2... 1...

Photo: The Fab Life

Baby Daddy: Did Justin Bieber Impregnate One Of His Fans?

Mariah Yeater is suing Justin Bieber claiming that he impregnated her after they had sex from a night where she attended one of his concerts. Yeater says they met on October of 2010 where a security guard asked her if she wanted to meet the Biebs. She said yes and said Bieber found a place where they could be alone -- a bathroom. So romantic... Yeater says, from that point on, Bieber's personality changed and he began touching her and repeated that he wanted to "fuck the shit out of" her. She claims that she asked him to put on a condom, but he refused because "it was his first time and he wanted to feel everything." She continues to say that she was on top of the shelf with her legs around him while he was on top of her and the intercourse only lasted around 30 seconds.

Bieber is denying that any of this ever happened, but if someone said I only lasted 30 seconds, I'd say it was a lie, too. I know this rumor is false because A) the report came from Star magazine and B) everyone knows Justin Bieber doesn't need to go to a bathroom to be alone with a girl. If he really wanted to have sex with a girl, he'd take her to his race car bed. The best way to find out if the baby is actually his is by either 1) seeing if the baby has a lesbian haircut or 2) attending the Maury show. It can't be so bad if the kid turns out to be his. As soon as Bieber's outgrown any of his clothes, he can just hand it on to his kid. They can probably even play the same video games or Transformer action figures.

Photo: Ology

Fuel To Fire-Crotch: Lindsay Lohan Is Going To Jail. Part 5.

Judge Stephanie Sautner has sentenced Lindsay Lohan to jail for 30 days and also gave Lohan a full week to surrender due to her unfinished photo shoot with playboy. So the good news is Ali and Dina can spend quality family time with Lindsay, but the bad news is Lindsay is going to be on Playboy. According to TMZ, Lindsay probably won't even stay incarcerated the full 30 days due to jail overcrowding and may only serve about 20% of the sentence, which is 6 days. I wouldn't be surprised if she did get out early. I also wouldn't be surprised if she went back to jail 12 hours later after being released just like her father. What would surprise me is the day Lindsay Lohan can finally say, "Maybe I should just go to bed."

Sautner also ordered monthly court dates in which she is to submit progress reports of how far along she is with her community service and psychotherapy counselling. If Lohan violates this contract, Sautner will sentence her to 270 days in jail. Lohan is also ineligible for early release or house arrest and will be paired with a "no-nonsense" probation officer. I don't know why it took them until her fifth jail sentence to say, "Hmm maybe we should be a little bit more hard on her."

Photo: Hollywood Dame